Separate Secrets
by Casey's Cupcake
Summary: Matthew & Madeleine Casey had been leading a blissful married life for almost two years, until the heartbreak of fertility problems and the burden of two busy lives disrupted things. They work together to overcome the odds, only to have their world come crashing down around them when long buried secrets come to light. Will the power of their love save them or not?
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1

"People who put up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving should be horsewhipped." Almost every picture window along Richmond Street had fully decorated Christmas trees proudly on display despite it being late Thanksgiving morning. It irked me beyond belief, but then again, most things did lately.

Matthew and I had just celebrated our two year anniversary a little over a month ago and for the last year, we had been trying to get pregnant with no luck. We had both been run through a battery of tests and everything had checked out okay, but for some inexplicable reason I was not pregnant yet and we had been trying for over a year. It wasn't for lack of effort either. We had been like two jack rabbits up until about two months ago when it all became a little too clinical. Under the advice of my OB/GYN doctor, I had been keeping an ovulation chart complete with my cycles, expected onset of menstruation, temperatures….everything except the phases of the goddamn moon were on it. I was even getting weekly hormone shots. Still, I remained impregnable and our seemingly barren and sterile state was beginning to take its toll on both of us.

"That's a little harsh, don't you think pumpkin?" We had picked up my father on the way back from getting the heavy cream I had forgotten a couple of days ago when I did the Thanksgiving grocery shopping.

"It's the hormones, Jim. They make her grumpy sometimes."

"They do not, goddammit! And don't talk about me as if I weren't here, Matt. It pisses me off." Ok, so maybe I was a little grumpy but he didn't have to sound so damn condescending.

"Everything pisses you off lately." Matt's voice was low and barely audible, probably for the sake of my father sitting in the back seat, but I heard him loud and clear. I shot him a look that I'm sure withered his balls like two prunes, which I knew wouldn't help. It was the principle of it that counted. We pulled into the driveway and the car hadn't come to a complete stop when I opened the passenger door and bolted out before I said something I would later regret.

By the time Matt and my father walked into the kitchen, I had already tied my apron and had the cream in the mixer, ready to be whipped. Matt said nothing as he took off his coat and slung it over one of the kitchen chairs before grabbing himself a beer from the refrigerator.

"Jesus, Matt...it's not even noon yet."

"I know what time it is, Maddy." He twisted off the cap and took a big swig from the bottle as he walked into the dining room. That pretty much summed up how our relationship had been going for the past few weeks. I had been working late trying to get the budget for the department done and Matt had been picking up extra shifts. We barely saw each other and when we did, we either sat together in silence or spoke the bare minimum. Even our sex life had become a mechanical dance of charts, positioning, beakers and turkey basters. We only did it when the timing was right and all the tumblers in the cosmos clicked in the right order. In short, we fucked only when it was clinically correct. This was not how I pictured us two years into marriage. We had been the perfect goddamn couple up until now. I felt tears welling up in my eyes, so I drew a deep breath in an attempt to calm myself down.

"Don't worry, baby girl. It'll happen when you least expect it. You just have to relax and have faith that God will take care of things." I felt my father's arm slide around my back as he spoke. He placed a soft reassuring kiss on my temple.

"OK, Daddy." I managed a smile, but with tears in my eyes. He gave me a kiss on the forehead before grabbing himself a beer, too and I knew immediately that I was fighting a losing battle...and for nothing more than wanting to make Matt feel as bad as I did about this situation. As the cream was being whipped, I basted the turkey, chopped the pecans for the sweet potato casserole, prepped the green beans and put the appetizers in the oven. As long as I was kept busy, I wouldn't think about things too much so I put my head down and went full force into my cooking.

"When's chow?" Em's dulcet tone cut through my cooking coma like a hot knife through butter.

Jesus, you scared the crap out of me."

"That's because you're always in another world lately, Mads."

"Don't."

"Don't what?"

"Start with me." I did not feel like talking about this for the 900th time this week. Em raised up her hands in surrender just as Kelly walked into the kitchen.

"Happy Thanksgiving, Mads." He gave Em an odd look as she stood there with her hands still in the air, like she was being held up by some invisible mugger. He gave me a big hug that lifted me up off the floor a couple of inches.

"How're doin'?" Between Em's loose lips and Matt's sullen demeanor over the past couple of weeks, he knew exactly what was happening.

"I'm good."

"Liar." I pulled out of his hug and shut the mixer off, then scraped out the mounds of whipped cream onto the French Silk pie that had been chilling in the refrigerator.

"Dinner's at 3:00 PM and the appetizers will be out in about fifteen minutes. Grab a drink and make yourself comfortable. I'll be out soon." I had become very adept at changing the subject. While I finished up the appetizers, I could hear the four of them laughing and talking in the living room as if nothing in the world was wrong and I resented them for it. Especially Matt. He was all smiles and laughter when company was around, but when it was just us he spoke the bare minimum. I plated up the appetizers then made a beeline to the refrigerator and poured myself a large glass of white wine. I put everything on a serving tray and carried it into the living room.

"Food!" Em took at least four cocktail weiners in puff pastry and six mini quiches before I had time to set the platter down on the table. I took my glass of wine and sat at the end of the sofa opposite Matt. I tipped the glass up to my lips and happily swallowed down the first substantial serving of wine I had had in months.

"Didn't Dr. McAdams say that you should stay away from alcohol right now?"

"Dr. McAdams has said a lot of things, none of which have worked, I might add."

"So you're just going to throw caution to the wind from here on out?"

"No, Matthew...that's not it."

"Let her have a few ounces of chardonnay, Casey. It's Thanksgiving, for Christ's sake!" Em's mouth was full but she still managed to pipe in. I watched as Kelly gently grabbed her arm, pulling her away to sit with him. It was also his way of gently telling her to be quiet.

"A few sips can't hurt, can it?"

"No Daddy, it can't." I knocked back the last swallow and set the empty glass on the coffee table in a personal triumph.

"At least eat something so she won't keep yelling at you for losing weight." Matt handed me a plate with mini quiche and a few baby carrots with ranch dressing. I had lost my appetite over the past few weeks, mainly due to the situation between us. I lost 4 lbs. at the last office visit and she reamed me a new asshole for it.

"I'm not one of your guys on truck. You have no jurisdiction here, Lieutenant."

"The hell I don't. Eat." His tone was stern, but I thought I detected a note of concern in his voice, too. I took the plate from his hand and reluctantly started to munch on a few of the carrots. To my surprise, it actually tasted pretty good to me. Before I knew it, I had cleaned my plate.

"Good girl. Do you want any more?" Matt was actually smiling a little. I hadn't seen that smile in weeks.

"No. I want to save room for dinner. Speaking of which, I'd better get my ass out to the kitchen to finish it." Em called after me to holler for her if I needed help. Yeah, like that would ever happen. I loved her, but she wasn't the most ambitious person I had ever met. I took the turkey out of the oven to let it rest and finished setting the dining room table while the four of them continued to drink and talk. I watched them, feeling envious that I wasn't a part of it, but my mood lately wasn't the best for company. I am the first to admit that. As much as Matt was being a pill lately, I was doing my best to be a moody, disagreeable cow.

I whirled around the kitchen for the next hour like a blonde tornado...whipping potatoes, making gravy, unmolding the cranberry salad, baking buttermilk biscuits and every little odd and end to get dinner ready. Once everything else had been served, Matthew helped me get the turkey on the serving platter so I could carry it out to the table.

"Just like that Norman Rockwell painting." said Matt.

"Except I'm not a fat old lady with grey hair and glasses."

"That's not what I meant, Maddy." I took a deep breath in an attempt to stifle the sarcastic remark that was hanging in my throat. Matt picked up the large carving knife and fork and started slicing up the turkey. Once an ample supply of the succulent bird had been plated on the serving platter, we all sat down and began to eat dinner. The atmosphere was relaxed and happy, with pleasant conversations, laughing and compliments about the food. Then it happened.

"The year is almost over now and since this is Thanksgiving, I'd like to hear what you're all thankful for. I'll start….I'm thankful for the friends around this table and my beautiful daughter and her husband, who take such good care of me." My father, the traditionalist.

"That's sweet, Daddy."

"What about you, pumpkin? What are you thankful for?" I took a few swallows of wine before trying to form my thoughts into a cohesive structure that everyone could understand. For the last several months, they had had been flying around my head like those monkeys in the Wizard of Oz movie.

"I'm thankful for being able to have the four people that I love the most here together today and in my life everyday."

"What about you, Em?"

"Me? I'm thankful for all of you, my PF Fliers, my Spongebob lounge pants and this fabulous food."

"Kelly?"

"I'm thankful for Bruiser here coming into my life...and the rest of you, of course. Thankful that I work in the best firehouse in Chicago with the best brothers a guy could ask for."

"Oh Christ! I'm thankful for Severide, too. My bad."

"OK, Em. It's your turn, Matt."

"I'm thankful I didn't put the Christmas lights up yesterday."

As soon as the words had left his mouth, I dropped my silverware, pushed my chair out from the dining room table and stormed through the kitchen and out to the back porch, angry with myself for crying again. I stood looking out into the back yard, wiping my eyes with a crumpled paper towel I had found in my apron pocket. Goddamn him for his smug attitude. Goddamn him for making light of any of this. Just as I had calmed myself down, I heard the door open behind me. I turned around fully expecting to see Em or my father. Instead, I saw my husband.

"What? Did Em threaten you to shag your ass out here or she'd castrate you?"

"No, Maddy...she didn't. No one has to threaten me to comfort my wife."

"Oh that's rich, Matthew...especially since we've barely spoken to each other in the last few weeks and when we do speak, it's not exactly comforting." I wiped more tears off my cheeks as I spoke. Tears that I had been choking back for the better part of the last year.

"That's because I don't know what to say, Maddy. It's difficult for me."

"Do you think this is a carnival ride for me, Matthew? I'm the one that keeps letting us down every month. I know that...and I also know that's the reason you're pulling away from me."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Come on, Matt. Give me more credit than that. I know you're disappointed that you married me now. I can't have children...you want children, so go. Go find someone that can give you all the babies you want. I release you from your obligation. There. Now you have something else you can be thankful for." Matt's face was a picture of frustration, confusion and anger. He gripped my arms tightly and looked directly into my eyes as he spoke.

"Jesus Christ, Maddy. Is that what you think our marriage is….an obligation that can be voided by not being able to have a baby? Don't you get it? If you can't have kids, I can't have kids. That's how two people in a committed relationship do things. Besides, I haven't exactly been the picture of virility in all of this. It's just as much my fault."

He was actually yelling at me. Yelling...loudly...and with the pent up frustration that both of us had been feeling all these months. It was at that moment that I realized that he hadn't been pulling away because of my failure. He was pulling away because of what he felt was his own failure. Failure, not only to get me pregnant, but also his failure to talk about his feelings or how this was affecting us. His eyes were brimming with tears now and I instinctively wrapped my arms around his neck, shedding my own tears.

"I'm sorry, baby. I'm mad at myself for letting it go this far. I have loved you for almost my entire life. I am not about to walk away from you, no matter how hard you push because I know that you love me, too."

"I do, Matthew...so much."

'OK, then. Let's start over and look at this with fresh eyes and that unbreakable bond we share. We've come through worse than this. We can do it again."

"I want to take a leave of absence from work, Matt. I want time to concentrate on just us getting pregnant. No distractions. No stress. You and me, for just a couple of months. I have benefit time that I can use. Can we manage that? Financially, I mean?"

"We'll be fine, baby. You do whatever you need to, OK?" I placed my mouth on his for what seemed like the first time in weeks. His body immediately responded to me, splaying his hands across my back and pulling me in closer. His mouth ravaged mine with the passion I thought we had lost. I had been wrong to think that our life together was over. In truth, it had only just begun.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

"Hey, Casey….does it gotta be the season of miracles for you to bring your wife here?"

Christopher Herrmann was behind the bar at Molly's and he was in rare form. Matt rarely went to Molly's on his off shift because he was usually working on some construction job. Now that the Chicago winter was in full swing, business had slowed down and we decided to go out and have a few drinks. I had been out of work for close to three weeks and the four walls of our house had begun closing in on me. There was only so much baking, decorating and wrapping a person could do.

"You know I'm just yankin' ya, right?" Herrmann winked at me and set a glass of clear, bubbly liquid in front of me on the bar.

"What's this?" I asked.

"Tonic water. Casey here told me you were off the hootch."

"I was, but now I'm back on the hootch so put some damn Tanqueray and a piece of lime in there...and a maraschino cherry!" I shouted at him.

"You got it, Maddy."

I looked around the bar, scanning the large crowd. Molly's a was a relatively small place and it was standing room only. Most of them were familiar faces from House 51, but there were a lot of local people from the neighborhood that I didn't recognize. To be honest, I was looking for one person in particular. She was the only reason I didn't come to Molly's often and Matt knew that. It wasn't that I was intimidated by her presence or the fact that she and Matt had had a relationship several years ago. Gabby Dawson had a bad habit of hanging all over my husband and I didn't like. She liked to get a little too touchy feely for my taste. At first, Matt thought I was being overly sensitive...until I asked him how he would feel if Kelly started to act the same way with me. We had been lovers once too and even though Matt played it cool most of the time, I knew deep down inside there was a little part of him that was secretly driven to the edge of insanity over it.

"You OK, baby?" Matt's voice jolted me from my momentary haze. I assured him that I was and took a nice big sip from my drink to prove it. He pressed his lips to mine, giving me a deep, solid kiss and it felt amazing. Since Thanksgiving, we had been doing better. We were connecting on a much deeper level which made the laboratory experiment that was our sex life a lot more meaningful and much more tolerable.

"Maddy Casey...how are you, sweetheart?" Chief Boden's booming voice and outstretched arms were suddenly behind me. I spun around on my bar stool and stood up on the lower rungs to give him a hug.

"I'm great, Chief. How are you?"

"Well, I'm happy to see you. It's been too long. Where's Casey been hiding you?"

"Nowhere that I don't want to be."

"Haha...still in the newlywed mode, huh?"

"Yeah, something like that." Matt was looking at the Chief and had a huge smile on his face. God, that was good to see. The Chief let out a big bellowing laugh and patted Matt on the back, like they were in some secret boy's club where the members congratulated each other on "going all the way with a girl".

"You are a naughty boy, Matthew Casey." I said, sucking up the contents through the straw in my second drink. The effects of the gin were beginning to take hold now. The more I drank, the more relaxed I became. The more relaxed I became, the happier I was and it felt damn good.

"And you love it, Madeleine Casey."

"I love you, Lieutenant. Come here." I grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him in for a deep, soft, wet kiss. His hands slid under my jacket and around my waist as I pulled him in close. He didn't usually like such public displays of affection, but his tongue was wrestling with mine like it was in there for the championship belt.

"Jesus, get a room."

"Shut up, Morrison. If you and Severide can practically hump on every flat surface wherever you are, Maddy and I are allowed to make out among friends." Em blew a stunted version of raspberries in Matt's direction before giving me a hug.

"It's good to finally see you guys here, Mads."

"Yeah...well, it's never been my favorite place but it had a certain attraction tonight that I couldn't ignore."

"And what's that?"

"My gorgeous firefighter husband of two years being right by my side." Em rolled her eyes in that inimitable way of hers, but I knew that she knew exactly what I meant.

"And in your mouth." We both erupted into fits of giggles which quickly transformed into snorting thanks to the alcohol we had both consumed.

"Every time these two get together, it's a gigglefest. Hey bro, what's up?" Somewhere amidst our laughter, Kelly had joined the three of us. He and Matt did the bro hand thing before Kelly came in for a hug.

"You look good, Mads...relaxed."

"I am very relaxed. I should have taken a leave of absence from work months ago."

"No, you shouldn't have," said Em. She had been saddled with temporarily filling my position during my leave. She was more than qualified. In fact, she should have been offered the position before I was. She had seniority in the department and I was the greenstick social worker who reluctantly accepted the job, but only with her approval.

"What? Why, is everything okay?"

"Yeah, but I miss how we secretly talk in your office about all the people we don't like."

"Jesus, Morrison….are you perennially stuck in third grade?" This time, she stuck her tongue out at him.

"Way to prove him wrong, Em." I sniggered.

We moved our little party to a table towards the back, away from the mounting noise and line that was four deep at the bar. We ordered another round of drinks and a few appetizers.

"So, what have you been doing with yourself now that you're not working, Madster?" Kelly asked.

"I've been getting ready for Christmas mostly...lots of baking, wrapping presents and decorating...in between meticulously charting my temperatures every day."

"She has our house looking like Martha Stewart exploded all over it." I punched him in the arm for that remark. "I'm kidding, baby. It looks amazing." He rectified himself by leaning over and giving me another kiss. His lips weren't only perfect, they were magical.

"You must go at her like a jackhammer, huh Casey?" I could always count on Em for awkward questions and comments. Matt and I were both used to being questioned about our fertility efforts, but it still was an uncomfortable subject to talk about, even with friends. Kelly hooked his arm around her shoulders and pulled her towards him. He had been dating Em for over two years now and had perfected the " _I think you've said enough"_ moves. Matt reached for my hand under the table and gently squeezed it. Sometimes, that was all I needed to bring me back to center, but tonight I felt a little more on edge than usual. I lifted my empty glass in the air, signaling Herrmann to bring me another. _More gin will help,_ my inner voice said...and I believed her.

As soon as Herrmann set the magical concoction in front of me, I grabbed it, threw out a couple of sarcastic comments about me being an undefeated pool shark and headed to the pool table. I racked up the balls, picked up a pool cue and waited for someone else to pick one up.

"Come on, guys...one of ya pick up a cue. I wanna play!"

Kelly grabbed a cue from the rack and chalked up the tip. He had a big smirk on his face as he sauntered towards the table.

"You break, hot shot." I placed the cue ball at the opposite end from the rack, leaned over, lined up my shot and then….BAM! The balls scattered everywhere with the five and eleven balls rolling into the opposite corner pockets.

"Lucky break, hot shot."

"That's called skill, smoke eater."

"Ooohhh, them's fightin' words, hot shot! It's on!" said Kelly as he pulled a $50 bill from his wallet and slapped it down on the raised edge of the table. I leaned over the money, lined up the shot and sunk the three ball in the side pocket.

"Are you sure you want to lose $50.00, smoke eater?"

"No, I'm not so make it $100.00, hot shot." He put another $50 bill on top of the first one. By this time, my fourth gin and tonic had bolstered my confidence to an exaggerated level, but it had also raised my game a notch. I managed to drop the next three balls in their respective pockets until Kelly coughed just as I lined up for the fourth. I lost my concentration and banked the shot, sinking only the cue ball.

"Interference! Interference!" Jesus, I was loud when I was drunk.

"We need a ruling, judges! A ruling!" Matt was working the crowd that had gathered around the pool table to watch us.

"Give her another try!"

"He spooked her on purpose! Let her go again!"

"Fucking male chauvinist pig can't bear to be beat by a woman!" There's always one diehard feminist in the group. I grabbed hold of Matt, wrapping my arms around him to kiss him but also to steady my increasingly shaky legs.

"Help me line up the shot, Lieutenant. I'm a little wobbly," I whispered in his ear.

"You're cute when you're drunk, Mrs. Casey," he whispered back. He turned me around and guided me down to the pool table, pressing his crotch right up against my ass and practically laying on my back.

"Is that your pool cue or are you just happy to see me?"

"Behave yourself, Mrs. Casey or I'll be forced to take you right here on top of this table in front of all these people."

"Is that a promise or a threat, Lieutenant?"

"That depends on if you make the shot." Matt stood up but kept one of his hands pressed against my backside. The crowd had gone quiet, except for the occasional clearing of a throat of the sound of ice clinking in a glass. I could hear Matt's steady breathing behind me as I ever so slightly slid the pool cool back and forth between my fingers. I drew in my breath before tapping the cue ball, sending it rolling towards its target. I held it in as it glided over the green felt until it gently hit the seven ball and plunked it into the corner pocket. The crowd erupted into applause and sporadic shouting. Matt spun me around to look at him.

"You did it, baby! You're amazing!"

'Yeah, but I still have two more balls to go."

"I've got two balls for you right here." He straddled me and leaned me back over the pool table and kissed me. I could feel the promising hardness against my stomach as he relentlessly attacked my mouth.

"Hey Casey, maybe if you bent her over like that at home she'd be knocked up by now!" Both of us froze as the words hung in the air above us, like an unexploded bomb. The crowd parted slightly to reveal Gabriella Dawson sitting at one of the elevated tables against the wall, sipping a beer.

"Back off, Dawson," said Kelly, walking towards her.

"Nobody wants to see that shit here, Severide." Clearly, she was drunk.

"Least of all you, Dawson! He's mine...deal with it." I said, struggling to get up from under Matthew's weight, but he was purposely holding me down.

"Don't, Maddy...you'll only make it worse."

"Really, Matt? How could it get any worse than her reminding me that I'm having trouble getting pregnant? Explain that to me." He eased his body off me, but held onto my hand like a vice.

"That was uncalled for, Gabby."

"My bar, my rules, my mouth."

"How'd you like one of my fists in your mouth?"

"Maddy…"

"Bring it, you blonde bitch!" Kelly grabbed her arms as she moved off the stool towards me. Matt placed his hand against my chest, holding me back.

"Knock it off, Gabby! That's enough!" Matt yelled at her.

"What the fuck has gotten into you, Dawson?" asked Kelly, jerking her body around a little as he spoke.

"Get off me!" she screamed. Herrmann came from behind the bar to help Kelly.

"Take her outside until she cools off," he said. To my surprise and utter disgust, Matt followed Kelly out through the kitchen. I grabbed my coat and bag from the back of the chair they were hanging on and pushed my way through the crowd of people and out through the front door. I could faintly hear Herrmann calling my name as I slammed the big oak door behind me. I tied the leather belt to my jacket around me and started to walk home. If Matt would rather be with Dawson than me right now, to hell with him. I tucked my hands inside my jacket pockets, put my head down and watched for black ice on the sidewalk. Boots with three inch heels, Chicago winters and lots of gin do not make for an easy walk home in the dark. I had only walked about three blocks when I heard the roar of a vehicle's engine pulling slowly up next to me.

"Maddy, get in the truck."

"No. I feel like walking."

"Get in. It's freezing."

"Yeah? Well, I'm hot. Boiling, as a matter of fact."

"Are you mad at me?"

"No, Matt...I'm mad at the idiot that forgot to put nutmeg on my latte at Starbuck's last week. Of course you! Jesus…"

"Can we talk about this please? Come on, baby...get in the truck."

"Looks like you've already talked enough, Matt...and of all people, it had to be Gabby Dawson. Why, Matt? Why do you feel it necessary to talk to her about us? You know how I feel about her! You heard the way she talked to me just now! Jesus Christ, Matt….I'm your wife!"

"That's right, Maddy. You are my wife...which is why I want you to get in this truck right now so we can go home and talk."

"I don't think I want to talk to you anymore tonight...except, maybe to ask you one question...what is so goddamn special about Gabriella Dawson that you'd prefer to comfort her instead of me after she insulted and threatened me?! Huh? Please tell me because I'm dying to hear the answer." He slammed the truck into park and jumped out of the driver's seat and onto the sidewalk in front of me.

"I wasn't comforting her, goddammit! I went out there to tell her to back the fuck away from us or I'd report her to IA. I also told her I'd request she be transferred to another house if she doesn't leave us alone! Christ, Maddy...after all this time, why do you still think the worst? Ask Severide if you don't believe me."

He was right. I did always see the worst case scenario lately and that was not like me. Maybe it was my way of turning the attention away from me and my defects. I thought I had made some progress over the last few weeks, but all it took was one shitty comment from Dawson to make me feel defective again...broken, unfixable. God, how I hated her. I didn't like hating anyone, but she made it impossible not to. I snaked my arms around my husband's waist and leaned my head against his chest. I closed my eyes and listened to the brag of his heart beating against my ear.

"Take me home, Matt."

"That's all I've ever wanted to do, baby."


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

"That was an amazing Christmas dinner, baby girl. You are one hell of a cook," said my father as he sat down in the overstuffed chair in the living room and lit up a cigar.

"Thanks, Daddy...but flattery will get you nowhere. You know you're not supposed to be smoking those...especially in a house where one of us is trying to get pregnant."

"One isn't gonna kill me or you, baby girl….but I'll go out on the front porch to make you happy."

I stood at the dining room table, scraping the dinner plates and putting the leftovers into containers and I could feel the muscles in my neck tighten up. " _Deep breaths, Maddy….deep breaths…."_ I had started listening to my inner voice a little closer these past few weeks and she hadn't steered me wrong yet. After a few of those deep breaths, I felt a little more relaxed. I had taught myself to not let the little things upset me and I felt more centered than I ever had before. My hope was that it would lead to nothing but positive outcomes. I carried the dirty dishes into the kitchen where Matt stood washing the pots and the roasting pan.

"Have I mentioned lately that I love you?"

"Ummmmm, only every day, but it never hurts to say it one more time." We shared a quick kiss before I started pulling the desserts out of the fridge and shoveled in the leftovers.

"I am so tired, I could fall asleep right here in the refrigerator."

"It's no wonder. You've been working your ass off for weeks preparing for today."

"I know, but I actually enjoyed doing it."

"You know what else you would enjoy? Soaking in a nice warm bubble bath with a cup of tea while I drive your Dad home. How's that sound?"

"That sounds amazing...and like I owe you more than one 'I love you'."

"Come here," said Matt, pulling me into his arms. He kissed the top of my head and hugged me tightly. He made me feel so safe and loved and it was exactly what I needed right now. Even though our sex life had become medically mechanical, our embraces and kisses still felt warm and human and genuinely loving. I stood there listening to his heart beating under my ear and feeling like this was the most intimate we had been in a while. It felt good.

"Come on, you two...we want cheesecake! Can't this stuff wait until we go home?" Emily stood in the kitchen doorway, holding an empty dessert plate and a fork.

"Jesus, Morrison...you must have a hollow leg," said Matt. I buried my face in his chest and giggled. Yeah, I was that tired.

"I didn't make any cheesecake, Em….just a raspberry trifle and a pumpkin roll and 10,000 Christmas cookies and candies."

"Well, bring it on!" she said, banging on the plate with her fork before walking back into the dining room.

"Excuse me, but I have to feed the problem child." Matt smiled and gave me another kiss before I busied myself with getting the desserts out. How anyone was ready for dessert thirty minutes after an enormous dinner was beyond me. What further boggled my mind is that Em was not even remotely chunky. She was thinner than I was, but ate three times as much as me.

"Happy now, my hungry hungry hippo?"

"If you hadn't given me that James Dean t-shirt and a new pair of Keds for Christmas, I might take offense to that," said Em, shoveling raspberry trifle into her mouth.

"You guys got any plans for New Year's yet?" asked Kelly, as he sat back down at the dining room table.

"I think we're just gonna spend a quiet night at home. Maddy goes back to work that week." said Matt. The words struck me like an arrow to the gut. My leave of absence was coming to an end and I still wasn't any closer to being pregnant than I was at Thanksgiving. Em had done a great job filling in for me, but if I extended my time off she would definitely freak. Besides, there were no other holidays on the horizon that I could focus on to take my mind off of the baby that wasn't coming. Maybe now was the time that Matt and I should start thinking about adoption.

"Everything was great, Mads. Thanks for the invite. I'll take Bruiser home now before she eats your china." Kelly hugged me as he and Em made their way to the front door.

"Thanks, Madster. Love you," said Em.

"Love you too," I replied. I watched as the two of them got into Kelly's car and drive away.

"I'd better get going too, baby girl. I'm sure you're sick of company by now."

"Don't be silly, Daddy. Stay as long as you want."

"I've known you your entire life, baby girl, and I know when you're tired. Just let me borrow your husband long enough to drive me home. Go soak in a warm bath and relax. You've earned it." He kissed me on the head before getting his coat.

"Are you ready, Jim?" asked Matt as he came down the stairs. He crossed the living room and into the dining room where I was still standing.

"I started your bath for you. Make yourself a cup of tea and go unwind in the tub. I'll be back in half an hour and I'll finish cleaning up." He quickly kissed my mouth before getting his coat and keys and walked out the door.

I walked into the kitchen, grabbed my favorite big mug and some green tea from the cupboard. I yawned as I poured the boiling water over the tea bag and into the cup. I dragged my tired body away from the dirty dessert plates that were left on the kitchen counter and trod up the stairs and into the bedroom. I turned off the water in the bath and set the mug of tea on the edge of it. I pulled off my clothes and left them in a heap on the floor as I stepped into the middle of the warm pile of bubbles. I slowly sank into the water, letting it wash over me a little at a time, until I was fully immersed in a jasmine scented cloud. Matt had lit a few candles around the edge of tub, completing the atmosphere of relaxation. I had been going at a dead run since Thanksgiving and it wasn't until this moment that I realized just how badly I needed this. I closed my eyes and sipped my tea, revelling in the warm water and the quietness of the house.

When the last of the tea was gone, I climbed out of the tub and dried myself off. I wrapped the oversized towel around me and stood in front of the bathroom mirror brushing out my hair. I heard Matt come up the stairs and open the door to the bedroom. I could hear the clinking sound as he emptied his pockets and threw the loose change into the dish on top of his dresser. Then he opened the bathroom door. I could see him in the mirror behind me as he unbuttoned his shirt and threw it into the hamper. He walked a few steps towards me, stopping just behind me.

"Hey you," I said. A soft smile broke across his face, but he remained silent.

"Matt? Are you alright?" I asked.

"Yeah, baby...I'm fine. I just want to look at you for a few minutes, if that's alright." He unbuckled his pants as he stood there, just watching me. He took them off and tossed them on top of the hamper. He moved in close, pressing his body up behind mine and wrapping his arms around the front of me.

"My God...you're beautiful."

"You're prejudiced, Lieutenant." Again, he said nothing as he moved his hand up to my shoulder and swept my hair back off of my neck. He kissed me softly, starting just below my ear tracing my skin with his mouth all the way down to my shoulder. I felt a shiver run down my spine as his lips brushed against me. His hands slid around the front of me and pulled at the top of the towel, making it drop to the floor at my feet. He immediately cupped my breasts and pulled me back towards him. His fingers gently tugged at my nipples and I dropped my head back on his shoulder. I could feel his erection against the small of my back.

"I want you, Maddy," he whispered. Before I could say a word, he turned me around and kissed me hard on the mouth. His hands fisted in my hair at the back of my head. My heart was pounding in my ears as I tried to get my breathing under control enough speak.

"Matt...it's not the right time yet...I didn't even take my temperature this morning…" He held my head firmly in his hands, looked straight into my eyes and spoke in a low passionate voice.

"Baby, when was the last time we made love because we wanted to and not because it was good clinical timing?" I could feel unexpected tears welling up in my eyes as I thought about his question.

"I can't remember," I said.

"Exactly...so let's take a break from being medically correct for one night and go back to being Matt and Maddy and make love like we used to do. I love you so much. I just want it to be you and me for tonight, ok?"

I nodded as the tears rolled slowly down my cheeks. He kissed me again, lifting me up as he did. I wrapped my legs around him as he carried me to our bed. He laid me down across the comforter and stepped out of his boxer briefs. His erection bounced slightly as he removed them and moved closer to the bed. Instinctively, I sat up on the edge of the bed and took him in my hands. I flicked the end of my tongue over the tip of his cock, tasting the sweet drop of fluid that had formed there. His body shuddered as I slipped the length of him in my mouth. I felt him throbbing against my tongue as I slowly moved up and down his shaft. The faster I moved, the harder and bigger he grew. I stroked him with one hand and cupped his balls in the other. I could feel his body tense.

"Lay back, baby...let me look at you." I sprawled out across the bed, watching him as he was watching me. His eyes roamed over my entire body while he stood there, silently stroking himself. He knelt down between my legs, then placed his hands on the bed next to my head, letting his body hover a few inches above mine.

"I love you so much," he whispered. I pulled his face down to mine, giving him a deep wet kiss. My body ignited as his tongue swept my mouth and his chest hair brushed against my breasts. My fingers caressed and pinched at his nipples, making him arch up. His erection poked just above my belly button, making the throbbing between my legs turn into an unbearable ache. I hadn't realized how much I missed our lovemaking the way it used to be before Operation Pregnancy. I needed to be made love to and now I know that Matt felt the same way. He worked his way down to my breasts, taking each nipple in his mouth. His warm, wet tongue surrounded the delicate flesh, sending shivers throughout my body. One of his hands found its way between my legs. His fingers rubbed at my swollen clit.

"So wet," he said. He pulled his fingers away from me and slid them into his mouth. He ducked his head between my legs and pushed my thighs apart. The first feel of his tongue on my clit sent shockwaves through my pelvis. I gasped as he flicked the tip of it back and forth across my quivering little bud. He continued to lap at me relentlessly until an expected orgasm erupted. He held onto my thighs as I gently bucked against his mouth.

Before I could catch my breath, he lifted my legs up over his shoulders and placed the tip of his cock between my legs and pushed himself into me. His cock felt huge and almost foreign inside of me after months and months of charting my LH surge days, my hips on pillows, using turkey basters and endless seminal injections.

"Welcome home, Lieutenant." Matt leaned down to kiss me, as he began to slowly thrust. Little groans escaped my from my mouth as he pushed a little harder and deeper with each thrust of his hips. I held onto his back, feeling the muscles ripple under my fingers. His body moved seamlessly into mine and I rocked my hips in perfect rhythm to his. I could feel my second orgasm building quickly. It hit like a runaway train, sending out powerful spasms in every direction so strong they were almost painful. I dug my nails deep into the back of Matt's neck, holding on tight as I shuddered around him. His body tensed and his face contorted as he came inside me, moaning into my mouth with each spurt of his release. My entire body was pulsing with what felt like surges of electrical current. I slipped my legs off of his shoulders and laid them limply down on the bed. My breath was coming out in short bursts between small gasping sobs. I couldn't control the tears and I didn't want to. Matt collapsed on top of me, breathing heavily into my ear.

"Christ, Maddy…..Christ…." he said, between breaths. He lifted his head up and looked down at me. His eyes were wet with tears.

"You're crying," I said, wiping away the wetness with my thumbs.

"So are you."

"Because it's been so long since I...since we…," I said, my voice breaking off. Tears rolled down the sides of my head and onto the bed.

"I know, baby...I know," said Matt. He leaned down and kissed me softly. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, never wanting this moment to end. It was the most intimate we had been in several months and I didn't want to let him go. He slid his arms underneath me, kissing me deeper as he pulled me up off the bed.

"I love you, Matthew."

"I love you too, baby."

"I'm sorry I've been such a disappointment to you."

"What are you talking about? You could never be a disappointment to me."

"I meant that we built things up in our heads when we were kids….you know, the big farm house we wanted with a bakery in the back that you were gonna build for me, the five kids we were gonna have...it didn't quite turn out that way."

"So? That doesn't mean I'm unhappy. Are you unhappy?"

"No, of course not. I just want us to have a baby."

"So do I….and we will. Miracles happen all the time. We found each other again. Isn't that proof?"

"I suppose, but maybe we should start thinking about adoption. Maybe we only get one miracle in this life."

"We can do that...but let's not give up on Operation Pregnant just yet. OK?"

"OK."

We both got up from the bed and turned down the comforter and sheets and climbed into bed. I snuggled up to him, resting my head in the crook of his arm and draping my arm across his chest. The scent of his skin calmed and comforted me. His fingers lightly stroked the skin on my arm as we both started to fall asleep.

"I love you, Maddy. Nothing will ever change that. Nothing." I nodded and kissed his chest, trying not to give away the fact that I was crying again. I closed my eyes and prayed for God to answer our prayers. If He wasn't listening on Christmas night, He never would.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather be at Molly's with the rest of the guys?" Matt handed me a glass of champagne and sat down beside me on the couch.

"Yes, I'm sure. I would much rather ring in the New Year with my beautiful wife than with a bunch of drunk firemen."

"But won't everyone think we're avoiding Molly's because of...you know who? I mean, after what happened a couple of weeks ago…"

"Gabby Dawson is the least of my concerns...and she shouldn't even be a thought in your pretty little head, so let's change the subject, OK?"

"Yes, sir!" I saluted. At first, he looked at me with mild consternation then he leaned in and kissed me. I was glad to hear him say that he wasn't concerned about Dawson, because I wasn't always so sure that we wasn't.

"At the risk of sounding like a Neanderthal, I've really liked having you home these last few weeks. It's the most time we've spent together since our honeymoon."

"As a modern woman, I know I shouldn't say this, but I like being home, being domestic. I just wish you had been home a little more."

"If I wasn't down a man on truck, I would have taken some time off. You know that, right?"

"I do." I heard the oven timer go off just before Matt's lips connected with mine. I started to move from my place on the couch, but Matt stopped me.

"You sit. I'll get it." I watched as my attentive husband walked into the kitchen. He had been so wonderful during my time away from work, putting up with all of my hormonal craziness. I hated the thought of going back to work on Wednesday. Our lives were always so hectic and these last few weeks had been good for us, both emotionally and physically.

"Did you ever go to Times Square for New Year's Eve when you lived in New York?" Matt had come back into the living room and was setting down the tray of snacks on the coffee table.

"Uh, yeah...once."

"With who...Stephen?"

"Oh God, no! Stephen was always too busy. I went during my senior year of college with some friends." _One friend, Maddy…._

"The infamous college roommate, Robin?"

"No, babe. No one you'd know." _Please drop it, Matthew…._

"OK...if you'd rather not say…" I knew he was joking, but that comment had a little sting on it for reasons he didn't know.

"Matt...I've been thinking….why can't we take, say...one weekend a month, at least until spring when your construction business revs back up, just for us? You know...go away for a couple of days, get a hotel room, away from work, people...just you and me...as part of Operation Pregnant."

"Sounds great, baby. Does that mean you want to take adoption off the table for now?"

"No, I think we should leave it on the table for a little while longer...just in case." I dropped my head slightly, running my finger around the rim of my champagne flute. He cupped my face in his hand and lifted it up to his.

"We will get pregnant, Maddy." He put the emphasis on 'will'.

"I know." I had heard those words from so many people over the last year that I was pretty sure my ears were beginning to bounce them off as some sort of defense mechanism. In all honesty, I didn't really know we would get pregnant and as each month ticked by, my hopes grew a little more dim.

"So, how was it?" asked Matt.

"How was what?"

"Times Square at midnight!"

"It was incredibly crowded and the noise was deafening."

"Kinda like Molly's right now."

"Yeah, but with a million times more people."

"And without me."

"Right." I downed my glass of champagne, trying like hell to muster the courage to tell him the one thing I had tried so hard to not to. Some of the memories of it were vague in my mind, but the most important things were still very vivid. I felt I needed to tell him and not keep it a secret any longer. Karma has a weird way of messing with people and I didn't want to take any chances. As far as I knew, it might have been the one reason I wasn't pregnant yet. Besides, he was my husband and he deserved to know. My hands were shaking slightly as I straddled his lap. He looked up at me with those beautiful blue-green eyes that sparkled with the flicker of the light from the television behind me. I took his face in my hands and just stared at him for a few moments, taking long deep breaths.

"What?" I couldn't tell if he was amused or slightly disturbed by my attention to him.

"I just love you so much, Matthew." He slid his hands up and down my back.

"I love you too, baby…"

"There was a time in my life that I thought I would never see you again. I'd given up hope."

"Me too, Maddy. I had some dark days too, but why are we talking about this now?"

"Matt, there's something I want to tell you…something you need to..." Matt stopped looking at me and shifted his body to the right, his eyes focused on the television.

"The ball is dropping, baby! Look!" I turned my head over my left shoulder and watched while 2015 was being ushered out and a brand new year was on its way in. We counted down the last few seconds together.

"Three...two...one...HAPPY NEW YEAR!" Matt slipped his hand around the back of my neck and gently pulled me down towards him.

"2016 is our year, Maddy. I can feel it." Before I could answer, he sat up and covered my mouth with his. He slowly shifted in his seat until he had turned me around, laying me down on the couch. I wrapped my legs around his body as he positioned himself on top of me. His mouth never left mine and the longer he kissed me, the more I could feel the courage draining from my body. His hands found their way to the bottom of my t-shirt and he slowly pulled it up and over my head. As soon as he had tossed it on the floor, his hands cupped both of my breasts as his tongue explored each of my nipples. I arched up off the couch, feeling my body ripple with excitement. He reached back and grabbed his glass of champagne, then dribbled some onto my left nipple. He immediately licked the Brut off of me and sucked my nipple into his mouth. He then moved to my other breast and did the same thing. I dropped my head back and closed my eyes, unable to do anything but moan softly, feeling completely lost in the sensation of his mouth on my skin.

"You like?" he asked, holding up his half empty glass of champagne. In my enthusiasm, I nodded my head so fast that I must have resembled one of those Chicago Cubs bobblehead dolls. His face broke into a wicked little grin as he tipped his glass over my stomach and poured some into my belly button. He lowered his head and lapped the champagne up as quickly as he had poured it, while hooking his fingers into the waistband of my yoga pants. He pulled them down over my hips, stopping for a minute to kiss my hip bone before pulling them completely off of me and throwing them on top of my t-shirt.

"Want more?"

"Yes." My voice was barely above a whisper now.

He gently pushed my legs apart until one leg was on the floor and the other was over his shoulder. He stuck two fingers in his mouth then slowly ran his fingertips up and down between my legs until they were cradling my throbbing clitoris. He flicked his tongue back and forth over my quivering bud while pouring more champagne down over it. The tingle of the cool liquid and his warm tongue caressing my most intimate area conspired to make me utter soft moans and lift my hips up off the couch. He looked up at me from between my legs with that same wicked grin on his face. He leaned back and pulled his black t-shirt off, then unzipped his jeans and pushed them down past his hips. He leaned back down, placing his hands on both sides of me on the armrest and came in close for a deep, wet kiss. He placed his cock just below my

swollen clitoris, rubbing the tip of it up and down between my glistening lips. He grabbed my hips and pulled me in close to his body, entering me as he did. He thrust his hips forward, pushing the entire length of him inside me, kissing me softly as he did. I held on to his shoulders as he moved, making love to me as only he knew how. Our eyes locked together as my orgasm approached. The look on his face when I came was one of complete and utter ecstasy.

"Oh, God!" I shouted, digging my nails into his shoulders as I came, gently bucking underneath him as I shuddered and spasmed around him. The muscles in his neck tightened and with one quick grunt he climaxed.

"Oh, Maddy...fuck!" he said, emptying himself inside me. When he was finished, he collapsed on top of me, laying his head down on my shoulder and placing soft kisses on my neck. Both of us lay there, holding each other and breathing heavily and enjoying the post-coital glow.

"Well, we definitely couldn't have done that at Molly's tonight."

"I love you, Matt Casey." I said through a giggle.

"I love you too, Maddy Casey." He grabbed the remote from the coffee table and held out his hand to me.

"Let's go to bed, baby."

"According to 'Operation Pregnant', I shouldn't stand up for at least 20 minutes, remember?"

"I'll take care of that." He scooped me up, carried me up the stairs and laid me in our bed before climbing in beside me.

"Happy New Year, baby."

"Happy New Year, handsome." As I drifted off to sleep in the early hours of New Year's Day, I felt confident that big changes were going to come our way.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

"What about the weekend of the 13th?"

"Sorry baby….I'm working that Sunday."

"You're working on Valentine's Day? How did that happen?"

"The city of Chicago needs firefighters every day of the year, Maddy….even on Hallmark holidays."

"Don't give me that crap about it being a Hallmark holiday, Matthew Allen Casey! It's a day to show each other how much we care."

"Baby...you and I don't need a special day to do that. We do it every day." He spoke in a deep, low voice that always managed to knock me to my knees.

"True."

"I do my best to show you that I love you every day."

"Yes, you do. It's just…" He interrupted me before I could finish.

"I already know what you're thinking, Maddy. You don't have to say it."

Since I had returned to work, it had been next to impossible for Matt and me to schedule a weekend away. I worked Monday through Friday. He worked 24 hours on and 48 hours off, but no matter when he was off shift lately it never seemed to fall on the weekends. Operation Pregnancy was temporarily being put on the back burner by circumstances out of our control and we both knew it.

"Being in the same room increases our chances of getting pregnant, you know….especially when my temperature is in the optimal range."

'I know, baby...but I'm still a man down on truck and until that position is filled, I'm sort of stuck. As their Lieutenant, I have to set the example." I could hear the frustration in his voice despite his overwhelming sense of duty to his brothers.

"I know...I know...and I love you for that. You're an amazing officer." I'm sure he could hear the frustration in my own voice now.

"Maddy, we _will_ make time for this and we _will_ get pregnant."

"Yeah...and the sun will rise in the east and the Cubs will win the division and best of all, we'll get to see each other for five whole minutes tomorrow morning before I have to leave for work."

"Maddy, don't…." I was feeling sorry for myself. I can admit that much.

"It just feels better sometimes to go off for a few seconds. I get it out of my system and then I can function as usual again."

"I love you, Maddy."

"I love you too, Matt...and I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. You're allowed. Why don't you come to dinner tonight? At least we'll get to see each other for longer than five minutes. Besides, Herrmann is making his special turkey tetrazzini and you don't want to miss that." I couldn't help but smile at the obvious sarcasm in his voice. "OK, Lieutenant...I'll think about it." I hung up my office phone, took a bite from a bagel and washed it down with a sip of my coffee which was now cold and tasted like mud. They had been sitting on my desk since 8:00 this morning and it was now after 1:00 PM. Unfortunately, I hadn't remembered that until the combination of food and drink hit my stomach. Within seconds, I knew it wasn't going to stay down long. I pushed myself back from the desk and bolted into my bathroom. I lifted the lid on the toilet just in time. I ran some water in the sink to rinse out my mouth, then splashed some on my face before walking back out into the office.

"You look like shit. Coffee?" Em said as she walked through the open door into my office holding two cups from Starbucks. I caught a whiff of a caramel latte as she held it out to me and ran straight back into the bathroom.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" said Em, standing in the bathroom doorway and still holding the two coffees.

"My stomach's in knots and add old cream cheese on an onion bagel washed down with cold coffee to it. That's what's wrong."

"Oh shit...I'm sorry, Mads. I didn't know."

"It's my own fault. I get myself upset, then make it worse by eating crap. I'll survive."

"Upset? Upset about what? What did Casey do?"

"Reign it in there, Mike Tyson. He didn't do anything. We just can't seem to get our schedules to jive. He's off shift when I'm working lately and we haven't had a full weekend off together since I came back to work. According to the almighty ovulation chart, my temperature is due to spike tonight and he's on shift. It makes trying to make a baby rather difficult."

"You're overthinking this, Madster. If you can't be together at home, then be together at the firehouse. Simples."

"He did ask me to come to dinner tonight."

"That's not exactly what I meant, Mads…"

"You're not suggesting what I think you're suggesting, are you?" As soon as the sly grin broke across her face, she didn't have to answer...but she did anyway.

"Yep...a fuck at the firehouse." I could picture my inner voice shaking her head.

"But...but...isn't that sort of risky? I'm sure Chief Boden wouldn't like it."

"Yeah, but that makes it even more exciting! Besides, what Boden doesn't know won't hurt him. Kelly and I…" I broke her off before she could finish that sentence to check the rest of my day's schedule on the computer.

"Are you okay covering for me for the rest of the day? There are no meetings scheduled and no more admissions today, unless they come through the ER before 4:00 PM. Katie will be on call after that. I want to take off early." She smiled and nodded her head. "Go, Madster...get out of here." I gave her a quick hug before dashing out the door of my office.

It was nearly 2:00 by the time I got home. I made a beeline for the refrigerator, gathering the ingredients to make some potato chowder, Matt's favorite soup. I chopped the onions and carrots while the bacon was frying and filled a stock pot with frozen hash browns and chicken stock and let it simmer. I pulled the bacon out of the frying pan and tossed in the vegetables to let them soften before adding them to the stock pot. As everything was cooking, I began to assemble a few sandwiches with roast turkey, lettuce, tomato and cranberry mayonnaise on artisan bread. I wrapped them up and put them in a picnic basket I had taken out of the pantry. I put on a pot of coffee before running upstairs to change into something easy to take off for a sneaky little sexcapade with my husband.

It was late January and Chicago was already in the throes of a record cold winter. I definitely wanted to look enticing, but I didn't want to freeze either so I chose a black cashmere sweater with pearl buttons, a mid-knee black wool pencil skirt, thigh high nude stockings and black dress boots. I gathered my black lace garter belt out of my lingerie drawer, but decided not the wear the matching undies and bra. Oh yes, I was definitely going to be a very bad girl. I showered quickly, reapplied my make-up and twisted my hair up into a chignon. I dabbed some of Matt's favorite perfume of mine on my throat, wrists, between my breasts and behind my knees. I put on my provocative ensemble, grabbed the paraphernalia we needed for Operation Pregnancy and headed back downstairs. By the time I finished putting everything into the picnic basket, it was after 4:00 PM. I packed everything into the trunk of my car and headed out to make the twenty minute drive to the station. My heart was pounding out of my chest as I pulled out of our driveway. I was nervous and excited all at the same time. Most of all, I hoped Matt would be receptive to the idea. He could be a naughty boy, but I knew full well that he took his job and his responsibilities, especially as a role model, very seriously.

I parked along the west side of the firehouse and walked around to the front entrance. The large overhead doors were closed and the small windows in each of them sported a thick coating of ice and snow on the bottom of each one. It may have been winter in Chicago, but it was definitely summer underneath my long wool coat. My heels made a loud clicking noise that echoed across the apparatus floor as I made my way towards the day room. I pushed open the door to see Herrmann busying himself at the stove and Mouch in his usual position on the couch in front of the television. Stella was putting plates on the table when she suddenly saw me out of the corner of her eye.

"Maddy! How nice to see you! Don't you look nice! Are you looking for Casey?" I nodded my head, suddenly feeling very vulnerable and unable to speak.

"He's in the meeting room with Severide. I'll go tell him you're here." She patted my arm and walked out the side door near the kitchen.

"Hey there, Mrs. Casey! How goes it? Did you come for some spectacular chow or to see your husband?" Herrmann called from behind the cooktop. I held up the picnic basket for him to see as the others from House 51 gathered in a loose circle around me to say hello or give me a hug. I felt like a deer in the headlights and could feel tears beginning to prick at the corner of my eyes. I knew it was the result of the hormone shots, but right now I was not able to think reasonably about it. Right now, all I wanted was Matt. Among the chatter, I finally heard his voice cut through the noise.

"Hey, baby! What a nice surprise! You decided to come for dinner after all!" He kissed me on the forehead and pulled me in close to him. "I brought dinner...for you and me...if that's okay." I held up the picnic basket again.

"Of course it's okay. Do you want to go to my office?" Matt had sensed my feelings of being overwhelmed by suddenly being the center of attention. I slowly nodded my head while trying to hold back tears. He took my hand and led me through the day room and up the stairs to the sleeping quarters. Matt's office was in the back along the wall, right next to Kelly's. He unlocked the door and held it open for me. I walked inside and set the basket down on his desk while he pulled another chair inside.

"Are you okay, Maddy? You look upset." I took off my coat and hung it on the coatrack in the corner of his office next to his desk. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just needed to see my husband, that's all." I smoothed my skirt and adjusted my sweater before turning around.

"Wow, baby...you look amazing! You got all dressed up for me or is it one of those weird anniversaries...like the anniversary of our first kiss or something?" I couldn't help but grin at the total maleness of his comment.

"No, Matthew...there's no obscure anniversary involved. I only wanted a private little dinner with my husband and I wanted to look nice for him. That's all." I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him soft and deep. I could feel my toes tingling as his tongue grappled with mine in a tangled little dance. His eyes looked a little glazed over as I slowly pulled back from his mouth.

"Jesus...Maddie..." He wiped off the beads of sweat that had formed on his brow as he exhaled. I grinned at his obvious arousal. "Shall we eat?" I asked, digging into the basket and laying things out on Matt's desk.

"Wow, this is quite a spread. How'd you manage all of this in an hour?"

"I didn't. I got off work a few hours early. Em covered for me. In fact, it was Em's idea...sort of."

"Sometimes, that Morrison really comes through, doesn't she." A sheepish grin broke out on his handsome face, exposing that adorable dimple in his left cheek. "I've been telling you that for years, Lieutenant." Matt ate quickly and like a ravenous wildebeest. I watched in amazement while my nerves hardly allowed me to swallow normally.

"Sorry, baby...eating fast comes with the territory. You never know when that bell is going to ring." My heart swelled with pride at his dedication and knowledge as a firefighter. He was an amazing role model for the candidates and even the more seasoned firefighters at House 51 and there was no question in my mind that my husband would make a great father as well.

"Did you bring dessert?" asked Matt as he swallowed the last of the coffee in his cup. "Actually, I did...but it's a little unconventional. I hope your mind's open enough to try something new, Lieutenant."

"I'll try anything you want to give me, baby." A wicked little grin crossed my face as I thought about what is was I was going to give him. "Good." I said as I got up from my chair and walked over to the door and locked it. Matt cocked his head slightly as he watched me closing the blinds on the office windows.

"Baby...what are you up to?" He spoke husky and low, barely above a whisper. I knew he was already aroused just by the tone of his voice. "Just this…" I hiked my skirt up slightly, straddled his lap, cupped his face in my hands and kissed him soft, slow, deep and wet.

"Maddy…" he gurgled as I pulled my mouth away from his and slowly unbuttoned my sweater. I left the last button buttoned and draped the sweater off my shoulders, revealing my breasts. Instinctively, his hands moved up, caressing my nipples with his thumbs for a moment before pulling the left one into his mouth. I dropped my head back, eliciting a few throaty sounds as his warm wet tongue circled around the delicate flesh. I pulled his shirt over his head and ran my hands across his chest. My mouth found his as my fingers unbuckled his belt and unzipped his pants.

"Baby, everyone I work with is ten steps below us….we can't, can we…?"

"My temperature is up, so we sure as hell can…." I said as I lowered myself down on his rock hard cock. "You still wanna quibble over details, Lieutenant?" I let out a squeal as he cupped my behind and stood up from the chair, clumsily walking to his cot with his pants around his ankles. He set me down on the floor in front of him and started to unzip my skirt.

"Our special equipment is in the picnic basket." I gestured behind him as stepped out of the crumpled pile of wool that had puddled at my feet.

Oh,no...if you're naughty enough to start a fire right here in my own station, we're gonna do things my way." He popped the last button on my sweater and lifted me up, then down onto the cot.

"But, Matt...my temp…" He covered my mouth with his hand before I could finish the sentence. "Lay down, baby."

"Should I do everything the nice fireman with the big hose tells me to do?"

"Oh, yes...everything." I started to unzip one of my boots, when Matt stopped me. "Leave them on," he growled. A wicked little grin broke out on my face as I hooked the heels of my boots into the sides of his cot. He hovered over me, stabilizing his arms against the metal frame of the bed. He leaned down and kissed me tenderly before pushing himself back inside me. He buried his face in the side of my neck, kissing and licking the skin just below my ear. A quiver ran down the length of my body and back up between my legs. I arched my back and dug my nails into his flesh as my orgasm rocketed through me and around him. Matt's neck muscles tightened, his face quietly contorted as he came. He laid his head down between my breasts and collapsed his body between my legs. I lightly stroked his hair until he lifted his head up and kissed me.

"Does our making love turning into a quickie also come with the territory?" I giggled as I spoke.

"It does when I'm on shift, baby. Sorry." As he leaned in for a kiss, the alarm squawked throughout the firehouse. " _Truck 81, Squad 3, Ambo 61...respond to an arcing wire...10400 W Manheim Road…"_

"Christ, baby...I gotta go!" I giggled as Matt jumped up off of the cot and hurriedly pulled on his pants and searched for his shirt. I put his pillows underneath my rump, elevating my hips and extending my legs up against the wall. I buttoned up my sweater and covered my lower half with the blanket. Not much science had been utilized in this session of Operation Pregnant, so I was trying to do my part.

"I've gotta stay like this for at least a half hour, but I'll probably be gone by the time you get back." I said as he scrambled around the office looking for his shoes.

"OK, well... thanks for dinner, baby….and the amazing dessert. Sorry to come...and go..love you." He kissed my forehead and then flew out his quarters in a swirling flash of blue. As I lay there in my post-coitus glow, I prayed that this little surprise had done its job.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

Another month went by with Matt and I barely seeing each other. We were like familiar ships that passed in the night. I started going into work a half hour later just so I could see him for a lousy 20 minutes when he came home after shift. He was still a man down on truck and didn't have enough faith in Christopher Herrmann to let him be acting Lieutenant in his absence. Chris was a good firefighter, but was a little too off the cuff when it came to officer duties for Matt's liking so he was picking up extra half shifts whenever it was necessary.

I was bogged down at work with the department budget and fiscal year reports, which kept me behind my desk and in front of my computer until 7:00 PM or later almost every night. I was beginning to hate my job, Matt's job and the whole situation. I guess parenthood wasn't meant to be, at least for right now. Too many other people needed us to do more important things besides trying to make a baby.

I sat at my desk, absentmindedly doodling cats and cups of tea on my large desk calendar and trying to remember what my husband looked like. My eyes were spinning and my head was throbbing, having been glued to my computer screen for the better part of the afternoon. I was suddenly startled out of my personal haze by the sound of my phone ringing.

"Hi, this is Madeleine Coventry. How can I help you?" I said it without even thinking.

"Coventry? I know we've barely seen each other lately, but did you divorce me when I wasn't looking?" The sound of Matt's voice on the other end brought a much needed smile to my face, in spite of my stupid little flub.

"Casey! Madeleine Casey! I'm sorry, baby...I was off in another world. What's up?"

"One guess…"

"As much as I love you, Lieutenant...you really need to get some new material that extends beyond a middle school mentality"

"You try hanging out with firefighters all day, every day for weeks at a time and see how mature you are! OK….how about this then….I managed to get out of a half shift, so I'll be home a little after 7:00 tonight and I'll be all yours for twelve hours." I felt my sarcasm rising at the same time I felt my heart lifting inside my chest. "Really, baby? Twelve whole hours?"

"Maddy…."

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry. I'm tired, overworked and I've been missing you." I sighed heavily into the phone, trying to make my frustration sound like fatigue.

"Same here, baby...so let's be thankful we have this time together, no matter how little it is."

"OK, you're right."

"I know you haven't eaten yet, so I'll pick up a pizza on the way home." I glanced at the silver plated clock on my desk that the hospital administrator gave me when I took over as department head. It said 6:45 PM. I hadn't eaten anything substantial since 11:00 this morning when Em gave me half of her bagel with melted cheese. "As long as it's pepperoni with extra cheese." My stomach rumbled as the words left my mouth.

"You got it, baby. See you in a little while. Love you." I hung up the phone and finished up the last column on my Excel spreadsheet before tidying up my desk. Lakeshore was not going to get another twelve hour day out of me, not tonight. I shut off my computer, grabbed my coat and headed for the door of my office. Just as I shut the lights off, the phone on my desk began to ring. I threw my stuff into one of the chairs in front of my desk and picked up the receiver.

"Hello?" I dispensed with the usual phone etiquette formalities after hours. I heard someone on the other end sputter slightly before speaking. "Is this the social services department at Lakeshore Hospital in Chicago?" the voice asked. It was a woman's voice, soft and with the hint of an accent I couldn't place.

"Yes, it is. Can I help you?" More sputtering, then "Is this the department head?" I could feel my frustration returning. "Yes, this is Madeleine Casey, the department head. Can I help you?" A short pause ensued before she answered. "No, thank you anyway. I'm sorry to have bothered you." I still had the receiver held up to my ear as I heard the call disconnect. I dropped it back into its cradle, then picked up my things and locked the door and left the memory of the phone call behind me. I was headed for home, a pizza, the weekend and twelve glorious hours with my husband.

As I walked into the entry hall, I switched on the table lamp, tossed my keys into the glass bowl and quickly sifted through the mail. Nothing of great importance caught my attention, so I hung up my coat and headed upstairs to take a quick shower. I pulled on a pair of black leggings, Matt's Blackhawks jersey and pair of fuzzy socks. I picked up the picture of Matt and me on our honeymoon off of my nightstand, smiling at how happy we looked...and how warm. The brunt of the Chicago winter was upon us with its grey skies and seemingly endless snow flurries and looking at the picture of us on the beach made the chill I was feeling melt away.

"Maddy? I'm home, baby!" Matt's voice drifted upstairs as I heard the front door open and the familiar jingle of his keys. My face flushed and my heart starting racing, just like it used to do when I would see him in the hallway at school. His face would break into a huge smile when he caught sight of me and he'd hold out his hand for me so he could pull me aside for a quick kiss between classes. Even after more than twenty years, the excitement at the anticipation of seeing him hadn't faded. I put the picture back on the nightstand and bounded downstairs like an eager cocker spaniel who hadn't seen her master all day. I rounded the bottom of the stairs into the entry hall and could see Matt putting a pizza on the kitchen counter and turn to hang up his coat. He had barely gotten his coat on the hook and turned around when I ran into the kitchen and jumped into his arms. His hands held tight to my backside as I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and covered his face with kisses.

"It's like living with a happy, little Pekingese!" he laughed, as I continued to bombard him.

"Oh, I am definitely happy...happy to see you. I'd almost forgotten what you look like. Damn, you're handsome." He sat me down on the counter next to the pizza, his fingertips softly tracing my face and his eyes looking deep into mine as he spoke.

"Sometimes when I look at you, I can't speak. It hits me out of nowhere just how beautiful you are and it overwhelms me to the point of not being able to string words together, at least none that make any sense...and I can't help wonder how I got so lucky that you're with me."

"Matthew…" My voice was barely above a whisper. He leaned in close, tucking a few stray hairs behind my ear before cupping my face in his hands. He pressed his soft, moist lips against mine, kissing me softly. His hands moved up underneath the jersey I was wearing until his arms were around my bare waist. His hands splayed across my back as his tongue moved deeper into my mouth until we were interrupted by the ring of the wall phone in the kitchen. Hardly anyone called the house number except for my father who still insisted that cell phones are dangerous. Matt pulled away from me to answer it.

"Hello? Yeah, she's here. Can I ask who's calling? OK, just a minute." He held the phone out to me. " _Who is it?"_ I mouthed silently to him. "She would only say she was an old friend." said Matt. I swung my legs over to the other side of the counter and took the phone from Matt.

"Hello, this is Maddy. Who's this?"

"This is Audra...Audra McKenzie Walker." She said after an awkwardly extended pause. I ran through a quick list of all my friends inside my head, but could not remember anyone by that name.

"I'm sorry, but I don't remember anyone by the name of Audra. You said we were old friends? Where do we know each other from?" Another few seconds of silence passed before she spoke again.

"Forgive me. I must have the wrong number. I apologize for intruding." Click….buzzzzzz…..

"What was that all about?"

"I don't know. She said her name was Audra McKenzie something and that we were old friends. I told her that I don't remember an Audra and suddenly, she has the wrong number. Weird." Matt took the phone from my hand and hung it up.

"She must have the wrong Madeleine Casey. Let's eat. Would you grab us some wine?" He lifted me up by the waist and set me down on the floor. He carried the pizza into the living room while I gathered up paper plates, napkins, two wine glasses and a bottle of sangria from the fridge.

"Mmmmmmmm...pepperoni and double cheese...just like I asked for…." I said as I opened the pizza box and laid my eyes on all of its deliciousness. The scent of it wafted up to my nose and I was suddenly ravenous. Matt filled the wine glasses while I busied myself with filling my face with pepperoni pizza.

"Hungry?" Matt smirked.

"I haven't eaten since this morning, so shut it." I mumbled with a mouthful. "I like watching you eat, Maddy. It beats the hell out of watching you lose weight like you were a couple of months ago." He rubbed the calf of my outstretched leg and gave me one of those famous soft smiles that shows off his left dimple and melts my heart. I downed the last of the wine from my glass and laid back on the couch, draping my legs over Matt's lap.

"Oh. My. God. I feel like a beached blue whale." I groaned.

"Oh, no. Don't start that. We have a night off together for the first time in a couple of months and if you start saying you're fat, we'll never get naked."

"Oh….so you planned on us being naked together tonight?" He put his glass of wine on the table, turned his body to face me and grabbed both of my arms. His mouth covered mine almost instantly and he slowly lowered me down on the couch. His mouth never left mine as he positioned himself between my legs.

"It's been a while. My body aches for you, Maddy. I thought you'd feel the same way."

"I do, Matt. It's just that I've sort of been slacking off on the whole temperature taking thing lately. I've lost track of where I am in my cycle."

"Let's not get bogged down in all of that tonight, OK? I want this to be about the two of us wanting each other the way people do when they've loved each other their entire lives. No science, no pressure, no expectations. Just you and me."

"OK…" I whispered as happy tears spilled out of my eyes and down onto the couch. Despite what he had said earlier, I was the lucky one in this relationship. What I ever did to deserve this man, I will never know. He kissed me softly as his hands found their way back under the Blackhawks jersey and around my breasts and as my handsome firefighter husband began to make love to me, I thanked God for giving him to me.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7

"Hey, Mads...would it be okay if I knocked off early? Kelly is off shift this weekend and we want to get an early start."

"Sure. Why not? At least someone has Valentine's Day plans. Go. Have fun."

"Awww, Mads...you know Casey would if he could."

"Yeah, I know. I'll be fine. It's all fine. Now get out of here."

"Thanks, Mads. You're the best. Love ya." Em blew me a quick kiss before beating a path on the carpet in front of my desk and out the door. It was only 3:00 which meant I had two more hours before I could go home to whopping 120 minutes with Matt before he left at 7:30 PM for another double shift. I was beginning to wonder if they would ever replace Finelli on truck. Not many from second or third shift had stepped up to help, so Matt was stuck doing the lion's share. ' _Not the right candidate for the job'_ had become the academy's catch phrase. Firehouse 51 was one of the busiest houses in Chicago. Only the top graduates were chosen to fill positions there and apparently, none of the recent candidates were qualified enough. Either that or it was some colossal conspiracy to keep Matt and me from spending much time together.

For the rest of the day, I busied myself with finishing up the budget and tying up loose ends. I was tidying up my desk when my office phone began to ring.

"Madeleine Casey, Director of Social Services...how can I help you?"

"You could marry me, but you've already done that." The sound of Matt's voice was a welcomed last minute interruption to my day.

"Hey, husband...I'll be on my way home to you in T minus two minutes." I said, looking at my watch.

"That's sort of why I'm calling, baby…" His voice broke off and I knew exactly what he was going to tell me.

"You have got to be kidding me. Jesus, Matt...isn't enough that they're bleeding you dry with all this overtime? Now they have to take away what precious time we have together? And on Valentine's Day, no less. That's just great." My anger and frustration were at an all time high. I'm sure the sound of my angry voice through the phone line withered his testicles.

"Maddy, I'm sorry...baby, please try to understand. I had no choice."

"Oh no...as a matter of fact, you did, Matt. You did have a choice. You could have chosen to say no. You could have chosen to say that you've been working non-stop since Thanksgiving. You could have chosen to say that they could sacrifice you for two hours to have a quick dinner with your wife, but instead I'll be walking into a dark, empty house to eat Cheerios by myself on Valentine's Day. You had plenty of choices, Matt...you just picked the wrong one."

I threw the phone back into its cradle before he had a chance to answer. I wasn't interested in what he had to say at this point. I had put up with his absence for three months. Enough was enough. I slammed the door to my office as I left. I muttered to myself the entire drive home, speaking to an invisible passenger hoping that my ranting and raving would make me feel better once it was out of my system. I pulled into the driveway and glanced up at the house. It looked grey and solitary in the late winter twilight. It looked exactly as I felt.

I tossed my keys into the glass bowl in the table in the entry hall and rifled through the pile of mail that Matt had left there for me. There, among the bills and credit card offers was a large red envelope with my name on the front in Matt's handwriting. I ripped it open and pulled out a Valentine's card that read " _For the Love of My Life"._ I opened the card and read these words, also written in Matt's handwriting…

" _Maddy,_

 _I know this isn't how we planned to spend Valentine's Day, but like I always tell you we don't need a special day to remind us of how much we love each other. We do that every day. I have spent most of my life loving only you and I will spend the rest of my life doing the same. The day that we met, I knew you were the one I was supposed to be with forever and nothing or no one can ever change that. Our love is what gets me through every day, every fire and every minute I spend away from you. I am so much more because you are in my life. It doesn't matter if we're together tonight or apart because nothing is stronger than the love we share._

 _Happy Valentine's Day, baby,_

 _Matt"_

"Goddamn you, Casey." I muttered to myself while brushing away a few tears. How could I be mad at him now? I felt like a complete bitch for having yelled and hanging up on him. I suppose I deserved to feel like a bitch for having acted like one. I hung up my coat and walked up the stairs, thinking that a nice hot bath would soothe my hormonal soul. My gourmet dinner of Cheerios would have to wait. I opened the bedroom door to see Matt standing in the middle of the room. He was dressed in jeans, a tight black t-shirt and was he was barefoot. My favorite look of his...except for his dress blues.

"What are you doing here? I thought you had to work?" I asked. The surprise in my voice was obvious.

"I wanted to surprise you, baby. Did it work?" he asked, grinning like the Cheshire cat as he walked towards me.

"Hell, yes," I said, just before he took me in his arms and kissed me. I felt my toes curl inside my black leather pumps at the feel of his tongue in my mouth. "I'm sorry I was such a bitch earlier…" Matt put his finger on my lips. "Don't apologize. I love that fiery temper of yours. Besides, I knew I would be running the risk of making you mad when I planned this little surprise." He was a tremendously forgiving guy. More than I deserved at times. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed myself against his chest. I listened as the beat of his heart thumped against my ear. A few tears slipped from my eyes as we stood there holding each other. Matt said nothing as he gently took my hand and led me into the bathroom.

"How does dinner in the bath sound?" He had filled our garden tub full of bubbles and had lit candles all around the edge of it. Next to the bath on a small stool, there was a pizza and a bottle of wine.

"It sounds perfect. Thank you, Matthew." I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him squarely on those perfect lips of his.

"Don't you know by now that I would do anything for you, Maddy? Anything." he said.

"I do...even when I don't deserve it."

"Hey…" he said as he lifted up my chin, "you deserve it all and more." He kissed me while he slowly unbuttoned my blouse and pushed it off of my shoulders. He reached around and unhooked my bra, pulling the straps forward and off of my shoulders. He unzipped my skirt and pushed it down over my hips until it fell into a puddle around my feet. I stood there in front of him in my panties, thigh high stockings and black leather pumps. He pulled his black t-shirt off and started to kiss my neck. I ran my hands through the hair on his chest, lightly rubbing his nipples as my fingers explored him. I unbuckled his belt and unbuttoned his jeans, slowly sliding my hand inside until I was holding his cock in my hands.

"Maybe dinner can wait," he whispered into my ear as he lifted me up and carried me back to the bedroom.

"I'm incredibly hungry, Lieutenant." I tightened my grip on him slightly as I spoke.

"Don't worry, baby...you'll be full and totally satisfied when I'm finished." A wicked little giggle escaped my lips as he laid me down and crawled between my stockinged legs. I eagerly pushed his jeans down off of his ass, exposing his erection. His mouth found mine and his fingers found my swollen clit and the soft wet folds that surrounded it. He gently pushed two fingers inside of me, making me lift my hips up and thrust slightly. I watched his bicep flex while he finger fucked me, getting wetter with every push of his arm and caress of his thumb. I was excruciatingly close to orgasm.

"Not yet. Don't come yet, Maddy." he said as he suddenly pulled his fingers out of me. Before I could get my breathing under control, he grabbed me by the ankles and and in one swift move, flipped me over onto my stomach. He lifted my hips off of the bed and rubbed the head of his cock over my wet lips.

"What do you want, Maddy?" His voice was dusky and low. You, Matt...I want you. All of you." Without hesitation, he pushed the full length of himself inside me. I let out a low grunt as he thrust forward. One of his hands grabbed a fistful of my hair while the other one held onto my hip. He slowly withdrew, then slammed himself harder and deeper into me. He let go of my hair, tracing the skin from my shoulder around to my left breast. His nimble fingers playfully squeezed my nipple before sliding down between my legs and finding my throbbing clitoris. His touch sent ripples of pleasure through every nerve ending until an explosive orgasm rocked through my body. As if on cue, Matt found his release, grunting low as he spilled his warm seed deep into my core.

Matt collapsed onto my back, pulling me in close to him as we landed side by side on the bed together. He placed soft kisses on my shoulder and the nape of my neck, his hand tucked between my legs almost as if he were helping to keep the precious cargo inside. Being held and caressed by him reminded me of just how lucky we were to have found each other again. It felt so good to love this way and be loved back and if Matt and are never able to have children, moments like these would be enough. They would have to be.


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8

"Morning, sleepy head." said Matt as he brushed a few strands of hair off of my forehead. There was nothing in this world better than waking up to those blue eyes of his.

"Hey, you." I reached up for him as he leaned in close, pressing his mouth to mine. I felt a little groggy and weak as the weight of him pushed me back down into the bed.

"Hungry?" I nodded, making me keenly aware of the dull throbbing that was banging away at both temples. "Yeah…" I whispered.

"Pancakes and sausage OK?" Again, I nodded. "Are you OK, Maddy?" he asked. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little foggy and I feel the beginning of a headache coming on. Just how much wine did I drink last night?" Matt shifted his body and picked up a dark green bottle up off the floor. "Looks like we killed the bottle, baby." I moaned and buried my face into Matt's chest, not wanting to move.

"You'll feel better once you get some coffee into you," he said. I kissed his chest and said "I'd rather get some of you inside me." He moaned slightly as my mouth roamed over one of his nipples. I licked and tugged gently at it with my teeth. He lifted my face up to his and kissed me softly. "Are you trying to kill me, woman?!" he said, grinning. He kissed me again and headed downstairs to the kitchen to start breakfast. "No," I said quietly, "I'm trying to make a baby for us that doesn't seem to want to come." _Don't go there, Madeleine Elizabeth_...my inner voice always used my full name when she was scolding me. I swung my legs over the side of the bed, feeling my head swimming somewhere behind me. I sat on the edge of the bed for a couple of minutes until the lightheadedness passed. I pushed myself up off of the bed and slowly made my way into the bathroom. I reached into the shower and turned on the faucet, letting it run for a few minutes to warm up. The nasty Chicago winter had cut itself permanently into my bones and for a brief moment, I regretted not choosing to live in a much warmer climate after I graduated from college. _Don't go there either, Madeleine Elizabeth..._

I stepped into the shower, letting the warm stream of water run down my back. I closed my eyes and tilted my head back, enjoying the feel of the hot water pounding against my skin, until I became overheated and dizzy. Stupid me. Always taking things to extremes. I finished washing up, then wrapped myself up in a large towel and stepped out onto the bath mat. While I was towel drying my hair, Matt came into the bathroom holding two cups of coffee.

"Thought you could use this," he said as he handed me a cup. As soon as the aroma of it hit my nostrils, I felt like I was going to vomit. The memory of the cold coffee grounds and stale onion bagel with cream cheese came rushing back to me like a runaway locomotive. I immediately handed the cup back to Matt and raced around the corner to the toilet. I lifted the lid with two seconds to spare, with Matt running behind me.

"Christ, Maddy...are you sure you're alright?" He held my hair back while I continued to heave out whatever was left of last night's dinner. I wiped my mouth on the towel that was wrapped around me before dropping down to sit on the floor. Matt followed me down to the floor, sitting next to me.

"Coffee and I aren't exactly getting along lately. It started a couple of weeks ago when I was working on the department budget. I was so knee deep into it one day that I forgot to eat lunch, so I took a bite of an old bagel that had been on my desk since 7:00 AM and washed it down with more grounds than actual coffee.. Let's just say it wasn't my finest hour."

"I'm sorry, baby. Can I bring you something else? Juice? Tea, maybe?"

"Tea. Chamomile, if we have it."

"I'm on it," he said, helping me up off the bathroom floor. "Are you sure you're okay?" I nodded. "Yeah, I'm just sorry that you had to see that." He smiled and kissed my forehead before going back downstairs. I brushed my teeth and ran a comb through my hair, then toweled myself off. I grabbed my robe from the back of the bathroom door and wrapped it around me. The hot shower did nothing to relieve the chill I felt throughout my body. I rummaged through my dresser until I found a black pair of leggings and quickly pulled them on, hoping that the extra layer on my legs would warm me up. I completed my look with a pair of Matt's heavy socks and his Black Hawks jersey. Before joining Matt downstairs, I took a quick glimpse in the mirror. I was wearing a lovely shade of Chicago winter pale on my face, so I pinched my cheeks to give myself a little color, at least temporarily.

As I reached the bottom of the stairs, I could smell the heady aroma of bacon being fried. My unsettled tummy started to rumble with small pangs of hunger now. Matt met me in the living room with a steaming mug of tea and a piece of bacon in his hand.

"Have I told you how much I love you?" I asked between munches. "I always know what my girl needs." he replied. He wasn't wrong and even though I was way past the age of being a girl, I still loved to hear him call me that. I settled down on one end of the couch, sitting sideways and putting my feet up. The Sunday morning Chicago Tribune was partially spread out on the coffee table. I picked up the Entertainment section and settled back in on the chill I felt finally started to diminish with the each sip of tea that I swallowed.

"Breakfast is ready, baby." Matt called from the dining room. I felt a little too comfortable to move and I looked at him with my best puppy dog eyes and patting the seat next to me, hoping to get him to bring the breakfast into the living room. "Ok, Ok, I can take a hint." He set a big plate of pancakes and bacon down in front of me on the coffee table before sitting at the opposite end of the couch.

"I guess you're feeling better," he said as I speared the last bit of pancake with my fork and swirled it around in the remaining puddle of syrup on my plate before shoveling it into my mouth. "Yesh," I said, licking syrup off my fingers. I washed down the last of my breakfast with the rest of my tea, then hopped up off the couch. Holding my plate in one hand, I picked up Matt's plate from his lap and headed towards the kitchen.

"Sit down, baby. I'll clean up." I turned to see Matt following me into the kitchen. "You cooked, I'll clean. It's only fair." I said. I put the dirty dishes and mugs in the dishwasher, then filled the sink with hot, soapy water. Matt's iPod was in the dock on the kitchen table, so I turned it on and twirled my way back to the sink. I set the frying pan into the pile of steaming bubbles that had filled the sink, then scrubbed down the stove top before moving onto the countertops. I swiped the sopping sponge across the granite, humming along with The Cranberries as the song "When You're Gone" echoed across the kitchen.

" _Hold on to love...that is what I do...now that I've found you…"_

I plunged my rubber gloved hands into the sink and scrubbed the cast iron pan vigorously as I sang. Before I knew it, I was using the scrub brush as a microphone.

" _...and in the day, everything's complex….there's nothing simple when I'm not around you…"_

"You're so goddamned cute," said Matt as he slipped his arms around my waist and kissed the side of my neck. We stood there swaying and singing together with the music until our little impromptu concert was interrupted by the ring of the kitchen phone. "Ten to one, that's my father. He's the only one I know who still calls the landline." Matt nodded in agreement before answering.

"Hi, Jim. What's up?" Matt said, pointing to his nose, telling me that I was right. I knew my Dad's habits very well. "Yeah, sure...that would be good with us. We'll be home all day. Is everything alright? OK, we'll see you then. Bye, Jim." Matt hung up the phone. He had a puzzled look on his face.

"Is everything OK with my Dad? The look on your face is worrying me." I said. ""No, yeah...umm he said he's fine but that he just needs to talk to us." said Matt. The puzzled look still hadn't left his face. "About what?" I was getting even more worried now. "He didn't say. All he said was that it was important and that he'd be here around 2 o'clock." My mind quickly shifted into high gear, turning over every possible reason why Dad needed to talk to us. What was so important that he felt he had to call first?

"Maddy...come on. I can tell by your expression that you're starting to worry. Let's not jump to conclusions, OK?" Matt was always my calm voice of reason, especially when I started to over react or over think something, which was all the time.

"OK, Lieutenant," I said, half-heartedly, as he took me in his arms and started to slow dance.

"Dance with me, baby. This song belongs to us." I stopped listening to my inner voice chattering away long enough to hear the music that was wafting through the kitchen. It was "At Last" by Etta James. Our wedding song. I laid my head against his chest and nodded. For whatever reason, I started to cry. Just a few tears, quietly rolling down my cheeks as we swayed slowly to our song. My grip on him tightened as I thought of my father and and his impending visit, suddenly feeling like everything was going to fall apart.

"I love you," whispered Matt.

"I love you too, Lieutenant." Somehow, those words that have always solidified our bond together no matter what we were going through, suddenly seemed like they weren't nearly enough.


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER 9

"Stop biting your nails," said Matt. I wasn't even aware that I had been chewing away at the nail on my middle finger of my left hand. I tucked both of my hands underneath my thighs and stared straight ahead at the television. Matt had been watching some program for the last forty minutes, but I had no idea what it was about. My mind was elsewhere.

"Maddy! Would you stop fidgeting?!" Matt was practically shouting now. "I'm sorry! I can't help it! Why didn't you ask him what this was all about before you hung up? All this nail biting and fidgeting is your fault!" I was only half kidding. "Baby, your Dad sounded perfectly calm. Nothing about his voice would lead me to believe there is anything wrong, so relax." I hated being told to relax when I was anxious. It only made me angry and more anxious than I was to begin with. I also knew my father well enough to know that when he sounded calm was usually when he had the worst news to break...like when Mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

I changed my position on the couch so that my knees were on the cushion and I could look out of the living room window. It was a grey Chicago day, typical for February. The kind where the big wet flakes of snow kept falling, but not accumulating. Lake Michigan usually dumped several feet of lake effect snows during this time, but it had been unusually warm this month.

"Tell me again why I came back to Chicago to work instead of somewhere warm?" Matt was too involved in his TV program to answer me. Besides, I already knew the answer. My father's heart attack. I came back to take care of him. I wouldn't have done it differently no matter how much I complain about the winters in Chicago.

"Think of it this way, if you had gone somewhere warm, we wouldn't have found each other again." He was looking up at me now, with those big blue-green, puppy dog eyes of his. His lips were wet and parted in a half-smile, showing off his perfect teeth. "True, that." I said as I straddled his lap and kissed him. His mouth felt warm and inviting, his kiss was soft and loving. I loved him so much, sometimes it made my heart hurt.

"Promise me that we will never lose each other again, Matt." He looked at me sort of funny, like he wasn't sure if I was serious or not. "Promise me." I repeated.

"I promise that we will never lose each other again. Ever." he added, emphasizing the last word. He shifted sideways, laying on top of me on the couch, covering my face with soft kisses. I wrapped my legs around him and held onto him tightly. I felt unsettled despite his reassuring words and attention to me. It was as if he had an invisible rope tied around his waist and I could feel him being tugged away from me for some unknown reason.

"Matt…" My voice was barely audible. I ran my hands over the side of his neck and onto his shoulders, feeling his warm skin under my fingers. My eyes clouded over, fighting back tears that I couldn't explain. "Baby, what's wrong?" Matt's face expressed worry mixed with some confusion. "I don't know." I felt desperate for something, but had no idea what it was that I needed or was trying to express. I wasn't sure if I wanted to laugh or cry, to run or to keep holding onto him. My head was full of emotions that were swirling together and could not be separated. I felt like my life as I had come to know it was about to spin out of my control and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

"You're scaring me, Maddy." I was scaring myself and had no idea why any of this was happening.

"Make love to me, Matt…" was all I could think to say. I needed to feel close to him, closer than we had ever been before. I needed him to reconfirm his love for me with more than just words and that nothing would ever break the bond we had shared since we were kids. Before he could say anything, I reached up to kiss him. He didn't respond to me the way he normally does when we kiss each other. His lips were dry and his body felt stiff and awkward under my hands.

"Maddy, baby…" Before he could finish his sentence, the sound of a car pulling into the driveway stopped him. He lifted his head and looked out the living room window. "Your Dad is here...with two other people I don't recognize." My heart rate skyrocketed as I shifted into panic mode. Maybe I had been right after all. Overthinking definitely had its advantages. I was always thoroughly prepared for the worst.

I managed to maneuver myself out from under Matt and made my way to the front door. I watched as my father paused in front of his car to talk with the two other mystery guests he brought with him. One was a tall, thin woman with porcelain skin and auburn hair that came to her shoulders. She looked about my age, maybe a year or two older or younger. It was difficult to tell from a distance. She was dressed in a green wool car length coat, dark blue denim jeans and black cowboy boots. She kept her hands in her coat pockets while she listened to my father. The other person was a short, portly man with round glasses and a goatee. He had more hair on his chin than he did on his shiny head, which had a few thin strands of brown combed across it. He was dressed in a tan overcoat, that was open to reveal his outfit...a dark blue pinstripe suit, white shirt and blue tie. Tucked under one of his arms was a worn leather satchel. In his other hand, he held a cigarette from which he took occasional puffs before stubbing it out on the ground with the heel of his black leather shoe.

I had never seen either of these people before and I racked my brain trying to figure out how they knew my father and why it was necessary for them to come with him to our house. Matt breezed past me, opening our large oak front door as my father and our unknown guests made their way up onto the front porch.

"Jim...nice to see you. How have you been?" said Matt. "Oh, I'm fine...just fine, Matthew, my boy." My father's stock answer, especially when something wasn't really 'fine'. The man and woman dutifully followed my father into the foyer, standing there in a somewhat polite, but awkward, quiet pause.

"Daddy, what's going on? Why are these people here?" I finally said, breaking the silence that hung heavy in the air like a thick coating of ice over our heads. "Baby girl...these folks are friends...friends of the family." His voice sounded weak and there was a slight sense of hesitation in the way he spoke. "This young lady here is Audra Walker...uh, I mean Audra Bennett….Audra Bennett Walker." He was stammering like he wasn't really sure who she was or what her name was. "And this is Geoffrey Harrison...Dr. Geoffrey Harrison." The woman approached me cautiously, but gave me a tentative hug. "Hi, Madeleine." she said. Dr. Harrison nodded politely. Matt extended his hand to him, then to the woman, introducing himself. "Why don't we all have a seat? Can I get anyone a drink? Coffee, maybe?" asked Matt.

The my father and his entourage made themselves comfortable in the dining room while Matt ushered me into the kitchen.

"Do you recognize either of those people, Maddy?" asked Matt while he put a few scoops into the coffee maker. "Nope. Neither one of them. Maybe they were friends with my family when I was a child." I pulled down a box of chamomile tea from one of the cupboards and stuck a bag of it in a mug before filling it with water and popping it in the microwave.

"That woman looks about your age. Do you remember her? Maybe an early childhood friend?"

"No, Matt. Neither of them look familiar to me, but what's really got me puzzled is why my father would bring them here with absolutely no explanation. I'd like to know what the hell is going on." Matt placed the full coffee pot and four mugs on a tray and walked back into the dining room. I followed him, hugging my mug of tea close to my chest, like a good friend. For some reason, I wished Em were here. She always seemed to be able to make sense out of the things that made no sense to me with simple explanations. Matt tended to overanalyze, even more than I did, and that always drove me nuts. Em could cut to the chase in a matter of a couple of sentences, even if they peppered with the F-word and weren't always grammatically correct.

As Matt poured out cups of coffee for our guests, I decided to take Em's place and cut to the chase. "Could someone please explain to me what is going on here? I feel a little like a rat in a maze that's been backed into a dead end." No one made a sound, which made the moment even more awkward than it already was, until my father cleared his throat and began to speak.

"The reason these people are here, baby girl...well, it has something to do with you. Your past. Something you may not fully remember. It happened a couple of years after you graduated from college and moved to Texas. Do you remember that much?" My mouth and throat went dry, despite having taken big gulps of my tea. Texas. I remember some things about my time in Texas, things that I had hoped Matt would never find out. The last few months I lived there weren't exactly my finest.

"Yeah, I remember Texas, some things anyway." I said, keeping my head turned down looking at my mug of tea. I could feel Matt's eyes burning a hole in the side of my head, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I felt sick to my stomach, knowing that the thing I had kept secret for so long was about to come out in the open. I had tried to tell Matt a couple of months ago, but talked myself out of it. I was paying for that now.

"Do you remember Jackson Walker?" said Audra, her eyes seemed to be pleading with me, hoping that I would say that I did.

"Yes, I remember him." My voice was barely audible as soft tears rolled down my cheeks. Matt grabbed my hand and held it in his. The look on his face was a mixture of concern for his visibly upset wife and total confusion at the entire conversation.

"I'm married to his older brother, P.J... Preston, Jr. Do you remember me now?" I stared at the ivory skin of her face, her green eyes and red hair, hoping that something would spark my memory. "I'm sorry, I don't."

"Who exactly is Jackson Walker?" Matt's voice broke the softness of the conversation. He was the only one out of the loop here and his frustration was coming to a head.

"Matthew, there's something...I mean," I stammered. "Let me, baby girl," said my father, sensing that this was going to be difficult for me to say and for Matt to hear.

"Matt, when Maddy graduated from college, she moved down to Odessa, Texas." Matt sat there silent while I fidgeted with the buttons on my sweater. "Before I say anymore, Matt...you have to understand that Maddy was a mess after you disappeared. She nearly died from that broken heart you left her with. Now, I know that wasn't entirely your fault, son. Circumstances being what they were, I know a lot of things were out of your control." Matt's face grew more solemn with each word my father spoke. I had an aching, empty feeling in my stomach as I looked at him.

"Yeah, they were. Maddy knows that. We talked about all of that several years ago."

"OK, that's good to know. Anyway, she moved to Texas to take a social worker job at one of the grade schools in Odessa. I forget the name of it." My father rubbed his hand over his face. I could tell this wasn't much easier for him to say than it would have been for me.

"It was Barbara Jordan Elementary," I interrupted. Matt's head snapped around as I spoke. "You remember that?" he asked, sounding surprised by my sudden revelation. I nodded yes. I started to say more, but my father stopped me. "Let me do this, baby girl." I wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my sweater. "No, Daddy...it's my story to tell. Matt deserves to hear it from me." Still holding my hand, Matt's eyes burned a hole in the side of my head while he waited for me to speak and end the mystery. "Promise me you'll let me get all of it out...all that I can remember of it...before you say anything. Promise me, Matt." My voice was shaky but stronger than I expected it to be. Perhaps the finally lifting the cover off this burden on my shoulders was a greater relief than thought it would be. Matt nodded in agreement.

"I met Jackson Walker on Spring Break of my senior year in Mexico. He was working as a bouncer in a bar Cancun for a friend of his, during his leave from the army. I've forgotten the man's name now, but I suppose that's not important in the scheme of things. I remember not wanting to go anywhere for break, given the circumstances, but looking back, it was one of the best things I ever did for myself. The only thing that tops it was finding Matt again and marrying him. That was the only thing I ever wanted to do and when that was taken away from me when Matt disappeared, it nearly killed me." I pulled my hand out of Matt's grip to wipe the tears off my face. He immediately grabbed it again when I laid it back in my lap. "I'm so sorry, baby…" he said in a soft voice, squeezing my hand tightly.

"Anyway, we spent most of my vacation together in Cancun. In that two weeks, we learned everything there was to learn about each other. I told him things that I had never told anyone before. After spending the previous four years in a deep depression wondering what had happened to Matt, meeting Jace, that's what I called him, helped the fog to finally lift. I opened up to him and and let him in and my world suddenly became brighter." Matt cleared his throat and I felt him shift in his chair. His furrowed brow and stern expression were almost enough to stop me from saying anything further. I wasn't sure if he would be able to handle what I was going to say next. I took a deep breath, pulling the courage up from somewhere so I could continue.

"There is no other way to say it, but we fell in love. I had shut myself off and hadn't connected with anyone in so long that it came as a complete shock. I thought I would never love anyone again after Matthew and I felt such tremendous guilt for being attracted to another man. But he opened my heart and I gave myself to him in every way that I could. He was my first lover," I said, no longer able to hold back the flood of tears behind my eyes. I looked up at Matt, who was crying too. My heart ached for him, having to hear all of this now.

"After I graduated from college, I moved down to Odessa like Dad said, not only to take the social worker job, but to be with Jace. Not long after I got to Texas, we...got married. We lived in a house that Jace had built for us on his farm for retired race horses." Matt's hand stayed firmly around mine, giving me the strength to go on, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him or anyone else. The guilt I felt for not telling Matt this sooner hung so heavily over my head that I couldn't lift it up. I kept my head low as I continued.

"We hadn't been married for long, only a four or five months I think, when Jace was called into active duty for his first tour in Iraq. I moved out of our house and into the main house with Jace's parents while he was away. It was during that time that I found out I was pregnant." I felt Matt's hand slip away from mine and my heart sank. I knew that given our present circumstances, this part was going to be difficult for him and me. "Even though the timing wasn't perfect, we were both ecstatic at the news. When his twelve weeks were up, he came home and we immediately started to renovate one the bedrooms in our house into a nursery. We made so many plans in the two months he was home…" My voice drifted off as I felt another rush of tears welling up. I could almost hear Matt's heart cracking. I know this had to be killing him.

"I was a little more than five months along when he was called back to Iraq for his second tour. Being separated from him was difficult, but his parents took good care of me and made sure I had everything I needed. Jace and I would talk on the phone whenever we could, which helped, but he sounded tired and worn down most of the time. He kept saying he wanted to come home to be with me when I had the baby. I wanted that more than anything, too, but we both knew that we may not be so lucky. His tour was up very close to my due date, but the likelihood that he would be state side by then were slim. I kept telling him to keep his head down and concentrate on staying safe and that he'd be home soon enough. One of the last times I talked to him, I was at my obstetrician's office having an ultrasound and we found out that we were going to have a girl and that she was perfectly healthy. We both cried, we were so happy. When we talked again a few weeks later, he said his division was heading to Fallujah and would be off comms for a while. There was an Iraqi soldier, a sniper, who had eluded capture for months and they were being sent in to dispatch him. His last words to me were 'I love you so much, Cookie. I miss you real bad, but I'll be coming home to you and our baby girl soon.''

"His last words?" Matt asked. His voice was tentative. I nodded yes, but couldn't speak. The horror of the memory I had kept inside me was now staring me straight in the face.

"Jackson was killed in action in Fallujah, Matt. Maddy was notified only a few days after they had talked that last time," my father said. Matt's arms rested on his knees and his head hung low. I couldn't make out what he was thinking or feeling.

"I was standing at the top of the staircase in the main house when the officer and the Army chaplain came to the door. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I knew by the way Jace's mother screamed that it was bad news. Jace's father called me to come down the stairs, but I couldn't move. I was frozen. I said 'Jackson is dead, isn't he?' He said, 'Yes darlin', he is.'" I blacked out after that and fell down the stairs. The next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital several days later with mine and Jackson's parents at my bedside. They told me that because of the fall the baby was delivered early, but she was too little and didn't make it. I don't remember what happened after that. That's where my memory stops." I could no longer hold back the sobs that were begging to be let go. The tears came relentlessly as I covered my face and leaned against my father for support. My life as I had known it for the last few years was about to become unravelled.


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER 10

Matt sat there in stunned silence, staring at the floor. Our lives had just been turned upside down by the revelation that I had just shared. I was sure by the look on his face that his mind was turning it over and over, trying to comprehend it all. I heard him blow out a long, slow breath. His hands were still on his knees and his shoulders and head were bent forward.

"Matt...I know this is a lot to take in, but…" I said. He said nothing, only nodded his head in agreement. He looked up and rubbed the palm of his hand over his face.

"OK…", he began, "now that this is all out in the open, I have to ask...what does this have to do with Maddy or me? This all happened over ten years ago." It was the same exact question that was on my mind. My father started to talk, only to be interrupted by Dr. Harrison.

"Let me take it from here , Jim," he said. He had remained silent through the entire conversation up until now. "I was one of Madeleine's doctors at Odessa Regional Hospital."

"You took care of me after I lost the baby?" I asked. "In a way, yes," he said. "I was your psychiatrist."

"Daddy?" I looked at my father for answers because I had no recollection at all of this man being a part of my life. "Let him finish, baby girl."

"You had a mental breakdown after you learned about Mr. Walker's death. You were in the hospital for several months, Madeleine. You were suicidal and you needed specialized care."

"OK...I get that, but I still don't understand what all of this has to do with my life now?" I wanted someone to tell me the reason that they were disrupting our lives on this Sunday afternoon. My father took my hand in his.

"Maddy, I hope you know that me and your mother thought we were doing what was best for you at the time. We were afraid that you were going to kill yourself, baby girl." I couldn't take it anymore and blew up. "Would you all just stop holding my hands and tell me what the hell is going on?!" I shouted.

"Your baby didn't die, Madeleine. Your little girl is alive and she needs your help." said Audra. I couldn't speak or move. I sat motionless, hoping that the last hour had been a bad dream that I would be waking up from in Matt's arms. This couldn't be happening. Not now, not when Matt and I were struggling to have a baby of our own.

"Maddy, please understand...we told you that the baby died to help you. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you were in no frame of mind to take care of newborn after Jackson was killed. You could barely take care of yourself." My father, the man that had been my hero for my entire life, looked different to me now. He had never kept anything from me before, at least not that I knew of.

"So you thought it would be better for me to tell me that our baby died? The only part of Jace that I could have kept? You thought it would somehow help me with my recovery. I've never heard such bullshit in my life. You knew how much I was grieving, but you decided to make it all worse by telling me our baby girl didn't make it. What in God's name were you thinking, Daddy?" My body was shaking with rage. I didn't think I had any tears left in me, but they were cascading down my cheeks like waterfalls. My voice was shrill and cracked with emotion. At that moment, I had lost all thought about Matt and what he was thinking. I could only focus on how much pain I had suffered all those years ago. Pain that could have been eased if I had been allowed to keep mine and Jace's baby.

"Madeleine, it really wasn't like that. You don't know how bad off you were back then. We were afraid for you. Afraid for that innocent little baby. You weren't in your right mind. We only wanted you to get better so that you could move on with your life. Your recovery took a lot longer than you remember. It was almost a year before you could function again. We had to do something., something to make sure that beautiful baby girl would be taken care of. When she showed up at yours and Matt's wedding, I panicked. I didn't anything to spoil that day for you. But she's running out of time, Maddy." I listened to his words, but didn't acknowledge them. My father had betrayed me and my trust.

"Oh my God..was she the little girl we saw in the hallway outside the ballroom? She was with an older woman, I think. I gave her a flower from my bouquet," I said.

"That woman was her nanny from Texas. When we found out about Harper's illness, she took it upon herself to come to Chicago to find you. Thank God your father intercepted her and stopped her from telling you anything. She meant well, Mrs. Casey," said Audra

"So where is she now?" I asked, wiping the steady stream of tears off my cheeks.

"She's back in Odessa, ma'am. JP and I have been taking care of her since she was born." said Audra. "So, why does she need my help now?" I asked, still not fully believing what I was hearing.

"She was diagnosed with leukemia a couple of years ago. She's been in and out of treatment since then, but now it's destroyed her bone marrow. She needs a donor, preferably her closest relative...and that's you Madeleine." I closed my eyes tightly, secretly praying that when I opened them again, these people would be gone. I had put what I could remember about this part of my life away, locked in a closet hoping it would never have to come out. But here I was, having opened up that closet and now was being handed the news that the daughter I thought had died at birth was alive. All this time and I never knew.

"What's her name?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper. "Harper...Harper Lee Walker. It was the name that you and Jackson had picked out before she was born," said Audra. I was numb. I had no idea how I was supposed to react to this. More importantly, how was Matt going to deal with all of this? He was now aware that he was my third husband and not my second. He also knew that I had conceived a baby, a baby that was now around ten years old. I wouldn't blame him if he left me. It was one of the reasons I didn't want to tell him. Now that it all had been laid out on the table, I was terrified of what he might be thinking.

"I think we've all heard enough for one day," said Matt, getting up from the dining room table.

"Mrs. Casey, please think about this. Harper needs you. Nothing more has to come of this except helping her to live. She can go on being taken care of by Mr. and Mrs. Walker. They're the only parents she's ever known. No one's life has to change." said Dr. Harrison.

"I think it's too late for that," I said. He handed me his business card, told me that he and Audra were staying at The Drake and to please call him once I had time to think things over. He made it all sound so easy. Dr. Harrison, Audra and my father all got up and headed for the front door.

"I'm so sorry, baby girl," said my father. "So am I," was all I could think to say. He tried to give me a hug, but I stood still, keeping my arms folded across my chest. The betrayal that I felt wouldn't let me hug him back. My heart was in pieces, my head was swimming and my husband and I had both been rendered speechless by what had been discussed today. I sat cross legged on one end of the couch, covering my face with my hands, I had no idea of which way to turn, what to say or who to say it to. I felt Matt sit down next to me.

"I suppose you hate me now," I said. "Don't be ridiculous," he replied. "But why didn't you tell me any of this? At least as much as you could remember?"

"I tried, Matt. I tried so many times. I wanted to tell you about Jace. I was this close to telling you on New Year's Eve when you asked my about Times Square. Jace is the person I went with. I wanted to tell you everything, but I was afraid to."

"Why, Maddy? Why would you be afraid to tell your husband something like this?" his voice was pleading with me.

"I was afraid to tell you that I had been married to someone before Stephen," I said, knowing it was only half the truth. "I don't give a damn about that," he said. "I thought you'd think less of me if you knew," I said, "Maddy, I don't care if you were married twenty times before me. What I care about is keeping secrets," he said.

"I was afraid to tell you anything because I knew that I would have to tell you about the baby I lost...or that I thought I'd lost. We've been struggling for almost two years to have our own baby and I was terrified that you would blame…" I said, starting to cry again.

"What the hell are you saying, Maddy? Do you honestly think that I would blame our inability to get pregnant on the loss of your baby? My God, what kind of man do you think I am?" Now his voice cracked with emotion.

"Then you should know that I also had an abortion when I was married to Stephen. I didn't want to bring a baby into that joke of a marriage. So there you have it. My complete history laid out for you. It all adds up, doesn't it? You and I can't have a baby now because I'm being punished for the choices I made years ago." Matt pulled me into his chest and wrapped his arms around me.

"Shhhhh, don't say that, Maddy. It's not true." he said. "How do we know that, Matt? How do we really know for sure?" I asked. "We don't, I guess. We just have to have faith." he said. "I'm all out of faith." I said, with sobs wracking my body. I cried for several minutes as Matt held me, running his hands up and down my back, until finally he spoke.

"So what are you going to do?" he asked.

"I don't know, Matt. It's all been so much to take in. My heart tells me I should help her, of course, but my head is wrestling with all the emotions of it. I need a little time to think." What I really needed was to know what Matt was thinking. Once the dust settled from this and he'd have time to do his own thinking, where would we be? Only time would tell...and we didn't have the luxury of time. A little girl's life depended on it. My little girl's life.


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER 11

Almost a week had passed since Audra Walker and Dr. Harrison had visited us. Matt and I had hardly spoken of it. Whenever I brought it up, he'd either change the subject or tell me to do whatever I thought was right. He hadn't been his usual supportive self. I knew he was wrestling with his own demons over this whole nightmare. He'd become withdrawn and had picked up a couple of extra shifts. He had said all the right things to me after everything had been brought out in the open, but now he'd had several days to let it all sink in. The reality of it may have hit him now.

The drive home from Lakeshore seemed longer than usual. Maybe I was less tolerant than usual. I pulled into the driveway, pleasantly surprised to see Matt's truck parked in front of the house. He'd left for the firehouse at the same time I left for the hospital. I hadn't expected to see him until tomorrow morning when his 24 hour shift was up. I walked up the front steps and unlocked the front door. I stepped inside to be greeted by a large suitcase placed in the foyer. As I shuffled through today's mail, Matt came down the stairs and dropped a duffle bag on top of the suitcase.

"Hey," was all he said. "That's a lot of clothes for an extra shift. Are you picking up more than one?" I asked. Matt scratched his forehead, but didn't look at me. "Not exactly," he replied. "What's going on, Matt?" I asked. He put his hands on his hips and looked up at me.

"Look, we were handed a bombshell a few days ago. I've tried my damndest to process through all of it...what it means to us...what it means to Audra and Dr. Harrington..and Harper, of course, but to be honest, there are some things I just can't get past. At least not right now." I took a deep breath and folded my arms across my chest. I knew this was coming. I just wasn't sure of when it would rear its ugly head.

"And they are…?" I asked.

"The secrets and the lies," he said.

"I never lied to you, Matt, because you never asked me about any of my life after you disappeared. You have no idea the hell I went through, wondering what I did wrong that made you drop off the radar. I was afraid to tell you about losing a baby. That's why I kept my marriage to Jace a secret. I told you that."

"I know...I know all that, but I can't get it out of my head. If you kept that a secret, what else haven't you told me? On top of all the drama at the firehouse, it's just a little too much to deal with right now."

"So, what are you saying, Matt...that you've never had a secret in your life? Is it over between us because you found out that I fell in love with someone else after you disappeared and left me alone with no answers? Or is it that I had a baby with him while we're struggling to have one of our own? Or is it that I didn't spend all the those years pining and waiting for you by staying a virgin? Explain it to me because right now, you're sounding a lot like an narcissist jerk who preferred that I not to move with my life until you miraculously showed up."

"For Christ's sake, Maddy...no, that's not what I'm saying…" he was almost shouting now. He grabbed both of my arms, his face only a few inches from mine. "I love you. That hasn't changed. I just need a little distance from this right now."

"You need distance? Jesus Christ, Matt...do you think this whole thing has been a picnic for me? Do you honestly think that hearing my daughter, a daughter I was told died at birth, is still alive hasn't rattled my world too? I'm just as shocked as you are! But you need distance while I go through one the most difficult things I've faced in my life...something that I need the support of the people I love to help me through? Oh, that's rich Matthew. That's really rich. Let's just make this bombshell all about you and forget that I'm struggling with the same goddamn things that you are…" I was beyond angry and my voice shook with emotion. How he could turn this all around and make it about him when I was just as shaken as he was to learn all of this. Goddamn him.

"Maddy, please... but I think it's for the best that we put a little distance between us for a while…just while I clear my head," he said. "Like you're the only one who needs to clear their head…" I said.

"You know what I mean, Maddy. I'll be staying at my old place for the time being while I'm picking up all these extra shifts. I'll have my cell phone if you need me," he said. "I need you now, Matthew...to be here with me to help me through this...but that's where you failed. This isn't just my decision to make, but you're washing your hands of it as some sort of punishment, so I guess you're not leaving me much of a choice." I said.

"I'll call you," he said, as he raised his mouth to kiss my forehead. I immediately pulled away from him.

"No, Matt...you don't get to kiss me after this..and don't bother calling me. You want distance, then that's what you'll get...distance." He nodded his head in defeat, picked up his bags, opened the front door and closed it gently behind him. He hadn't pulled out of the driveway yet while I dug through my purse, looking for something specific.

"Where the hell is it? I know I put it in here." I muttered out loud. Finding what I was looking for, I grabbed my cell phone and sat on the couch, dialing the numbers on Dr. Harrison's card. I never felt more sure of anything in my life as I did right at this moment.

"Hello? Dr. Harrison? This is Madeleine Casey….I'm fine, how are you? Good, good...listen, I wanted to tell you that I've decided to go ahead with the bone marrow donation for Harper. Yes, I know...given the circumstance, it was the only decision I could come to. Yes, of course...if you give me the oncologist's number, I can set up the testing right away. OK, I will let you know when. Thanks…" I ended the call with Dr. Harrison and immediately began to dial another number. I waited impatiently as it rang several times before it was finally answered.

"Hey, Em...you wanna take a trip to Texas with me?" Her enthusiastic 'Hell yes!' assured me that someone out there was capable of loving and supporting me unconditionally.


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER 12

"Pull over again, Em," I said. She pulled the black BMW that the Walker family had arranged for us onto the side of I-20BL to let me throw up for the second time since we left Midland International. We had taken an early morning flight out of O'Hare and the turbulence had left a lingering effect on me, along with my frayed nerves about the doctor's appointment that awaited me at medical center in Odessa. It was for the preliminary testing that was necessary before my bone marrow could be harvested. The oncology and surgical teams had to be sure I was a viable doner first.

"Are you sure you're alright, Mads? You look green," said Em, as I got back into the passenger seat, wiping my mouth on a tissue I'd pulled from my purse. "Bad flight, is all. I'll be fine." I said.

Em pulled back on to the highway and we continued our journey. We were about halfway into the fifteen mile trip from the airport to the medical center. Nothing looked familiar to me, even though I had lived in the area. Of course, it had been over fourteen years since I had been here, so the unfamiliarity was not totally unexpected. The only thing I remembered was the extreme flatness of midland Texas. No mountains or the tiniest hill could be seen for miles around. It was a completely different landscape to Illinois and New York. I felt a little like a stranger in a foreign land.

"Are you scared, Mads?" Em's voice broke the silence. "Terrified," I said. There was a lot about this trip scared me. Even though the odds were in my favor, I was still concerned that I wouldn't be a good match. I wondered where that would leave Harper and it weighed heavily on my mind. Then there was Matt. We hadn't seen each other in almost three weeks and had only spoken once, and that was a very brief conversation about a leaky faucet in the kitchen, which he fixed one morning while I was at work. He had no idea that I had decided to make this trip to Texas because he never bothered to ask and I would be damned before I would tell him. I missed him but the anger I felt towards him trumped every other emotion I was feeling towards him.

"We're here," said Em as we pulled onto East Sixth Street and into the expansive parking lot in front of the medical center. Before we got out of the car and made our way in, I grabbed Em's hand and told her how much I appreciated her making this trip with me. She squeezed my hand and pulled it up to her mouth to kiss it. I swear I saw tears in her eyes, too, but she would never admit to that.

As we walked through the automatic sliding glass doors of the front entrance and into the lobby, we were greeted by a swarm of people. Nurses, maintenance men, housekeeping staff, Candy Stripers, volunteers, lab techs, visitors...all rushing to parts unknown with their own business. It was a bustling little metropolis all its own, independent of the sprawling medical center that surrounded it. We made our way through the crowd and up to the information desk that was situated in the middle of the lobby. As we approached, a young woman with long black hair and a distinctive Texas twang, greeted us.

"I'm here for some pre-surgery lab work," I said, handing over the packet of papers that had been sent to me a few days earlier. She scoured each page carefully, then pointed us in the direction of the lab. After walking down a long hallway whose walls were ceiling to floor glass, we came to a bank of six elevators, all stopped on various floors. Em pushed the button to call one of them to the ground floor. As the doors opened, a group of people vigorously pushed their way out and into the vestibule nearly knocking us over, like there was a fire behind them. I briefly thought of Matt.

"Em, you're sure you told Kelly to not say anything to Matt about this trip, aren't you? I don't want him finding out from anyone but me,," I said. "Don't worry, Mads. He'll keep quiet," she said. I felt a little relieved, but not completely. If our relationship was complicated now, it would only get worse if Kelly tells him anything. I wanted to be the one to tell him when the time was right. But who knows when that will be. Our marriage had grown more complicated over the past few weeks and neither of us could have anticipated it.

The doors of the elevator opened as we reached the lab on the fourth floor, which was stark white from the ceiling panel to the tiles on the floor. It gave off a sterile luster that hurt my eyes to the point of wanting to put on my sunglasses. We managed to find our way to the registration desk where they entered my labs into their system.

"Here's my insurance card," I said, sliding it across the desk to the stoic woman who was pounding on her keyboard as if she was mad at it.

"There's no need for that, ma'am. Says here that all expenses incurred will be handled by Walker and Sons, Inc.," she replied. Em and I gave each other a look of surprise. But given that the family had paid for our flight, our hotel and our rental car, neither one of us should have been surprised by their continued generosity. When the woman was done typing, she printed out a couple of forms for me to sign and was told to take a seat in the waiting area. Within a few minutes, my name was called and I was following a lab technician into one of the blood draw rooms. After taking what seemed like all of my blood, I was asked to pee into a cup. When I was finished with everything, the tech told me it would be a couple of days until they had all the results they needed and that they would be contacting me for a follow up appointment with the surgical team to review everything.

Em and I took the elevator back down to the lobby and headed for the parking lot. As the heat from the pavement hit our faces while we made our way to the car, I felt a little lightheaded. Realizing that I hadn't eaten or drank anything since midnight, Em and I decided to get a late breakfast somewhere. I took my phone out to look at what restaurants were in the area when it began ringing.

"Hello, Madeleine...this is Audra Walker. How are you?"

"I'm fine, thanks. I just finished getting my lab work done."

"I trust all went well."

"It did, yes...although they did say it would be a day or two until all the results were in. Once they are, I'll be seeing the surgeon."

"Yes, Dr. Hartman. He's the best in Texas. You'll like him. Are you happy with the accommodations that we arranged for you?"

"Oh, yes...the hotel is beautiful, what we could see of it when we dropped our bags off and the car rides like a dream. Thank you so much."

"No, thank you Madeleine. The gift you're giving our little girl is worth much more than a five star hotel and a BMW. Have you eaten yet? I'm sure most of the tests you had done today required you to fast."

"Actually no, Em and I were just looking for a place to eat when you called. I got a little dizzy a few minutes ago…"

"Oh Lord, we can't have that! Preston and I have arranged a brunch here at the house. I'll give you the address and you can punch it in to your GPS."

"That's incredibly kind of you, but given the circumstances, I think it might be best if I stayed away from the Walker ranch. I don't…" my voice trailed off.

"Of course. How stupid of me. Please forgive me. OK, tell you what...you head back to the hotel and we'll call them to arrange for brunch to be served there. See you in twenty minutes." The phone clicked and the call ended. Em and I followed the road back to the hotel and were greeted at the office entrance by Audra and tall, bear of a man who wore a black Stetson with silver accents. He was dressed all in black, from the top of his head down to his black leather cowboy boots with shiny, steel toes.

"Madeleine, this is my husband Preston, Jr." said Audra. He extended his muscular forearms towards me until they had encircled my waist and pulled me into a massive bear hug. "It's good to see you again, Maddy." I was well aware that I had met this man before, but I had no memory of him or any interactions we may have had before today. He didn't resemble Jackson in the least and his familiarity took me a little by surprise. The expression on my face must have given me away.

"I'm sorry if I startled you, ma'am...but we was family once," he said, his eyes turned downward.

"Of course we were. No harm done. I'm just sorry I don't remember you," I said, giving him what I'd hoped was a reassuring smile. So much of my life in Texas was still a mystery to me and I wasn't sure that I wanted that to change. I had made the decision to help Harper without any hesitation. She is my daughter and she needs me now, at least behind the scenes. I was never going to be a presence in her life. That much was certain. Her life had already been disrupted by an illness that was taking its toll on her. She didn't need any more complications. Preston and Audra are the only parents she's known since she was born and even though that pleasure was taken away from me, I had no desire to take it away from them. I had a new life now that needed to be concentrated on and I would be doing that the second I got back to Chicago, with or without Matthew.

We made our way into the hotel and into one of the meeting rooms where brunch had been set up. Tables with several chafing dishes, platters of pastries and fresh fruit lined the back wall. A coffee and juice station had been set up across the way from it. The aroma of sausage and maple syrup filled the air and my stomach started to grumble. I suddenly became very aware of how hungry I was and how many hours it had been since I had last eaten. As Em and I headed towards the buffet, I became lightheaded. A prickly sensation rippled through my body and I felt as though I was going to pass out. I quickly pulled out the closest chair and sat down, putting my head between my legs and taking a few deep breaths.

"Madeleine, are you alright? Someone get her a glass of water!" Audra was now kneeling in front of me.

"I'm fine. Just a little lightheaded. Must be the four gallons of blood they took combined with not having eaten anything yet." I took a few sips of the ice water that the hotel attendant had brought over to me.

"You stay put and I'll get you your breakfast. I know what you like," said Em. I was so thankful to have her here with me. She was one of the few people in my life that had never let me down. I knew she always had my back.

"You've been through a lot over the last few weeks, Madeleine. I realize how difficult all of this must be. We dropped this in your lap like it was a hot potato. It's bound to take its toll on you," said Audra. Just then, Em came back and set a glass of orange juice and a plate heaped high with pancakes, sausage, fresh strawberries, blueberries and pineapple in front of me. I dove into it head first, eating like a wildebeest after a bleak winter.

"Do you think I could get a glass of chocolate milk? I've got a craving for it," I said between bites.

"Yeah, she's definitely feeling better," said Em, taking my plate for a refill.

"Preston and I want you to know how grateful we are that you're doing this for us...for Harper," said Audra. Preston reached out and grabbed her hand. There were tears in her eyes as she spoke. "I don't know what I would have done if I were in your place, having been faced with all of this. We only had Harper's best interest in mind, nothing more. We intend to take care of all of your medical and personal expenses, Madeleine. It's the least we can do for saving our little girl's life. Did the doctors give you any idea when you'd be hearing from them?"

"The lab tech told me it would be at least 24 hours, possibly 48, before they have all the results. Once they have all the information they need, they'll call me back to talk to the transplant team, the oncologist and the other surgeons," I said.

"Right, so it's still a little bit of a waiting game," said Audra. She seemed disappointed that it was going to take a couple of days for the medical center to get back to me.

"I'm sorry, Audra...it's out of my…" Audra stopped me before I could finish my sentence. "No, I'm the one that should be sorry, saying such an insensitive thing when you have absolutely no control over this. It's just that PJ and I have been agonizing over this for so long, it already seems as if we've waited forever. We only want Harper to get well and lead a normal life like any other little girl her age," she said, wiping more tears from her eyes.

We finished our brunch in relative silence and as Em and I headed out of the ballroom and back upstairs to our suite, Audra and Preston said their goodbyes and left the hotel. I promised them I would be in touch whenever I heard back from the doctor. Em pushed the elevator button to carry us up to the fourth floor.

"Mads?" she said. "Yeah?" I countered. "Aren't you the least bit curious about Harper?" she asked. "Of course I am, but that won't help anyone involved in this, least of all Matthew and me." I said. The elevator doors opened with a 'ding', letting Em and I emerge. As we made our way down the hallway, Em quietly took my hand in hers, squeezing it gently. And with that, I knew she understood. She always did.


	13. Chapter 13

CHAPTER 13

Ever since the day of the brunch, Em and I were kept busy by the outings and side trips that the Walkers had arranged for us.. We were rarely in our hotel room except to shower and sleep. We spent a lot of time with Audra and PJ, who were very gracious, generous hosts. They understood full well what I going through, having to wait to hear from both medical teams. They were just as anxious as I was to find out the results of my tests, maybe even more so.

Over the last couple of days, we visited the Odessa Meteor Crater, a 550 foot wide hole in the ground, fabled to be the second meteor crater in the United States. It wasn't exactly a thrill a minute, but it was interesting and held my attention long enough to keep my mind off of things. We also attended a play at the Globe Theatre, seeing a nice production of Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream". The theatre was supposedly an exact replica of the The Globe in the UK. I had seen a revival of the play off Broadway in New York while I was in college and I had loved it. The Texan accents that broke through the Elizabethan era dialogue caused me to giggle a few times, but the set decorations were top notch. Em fell asleep after intermission and her resonating snore caused other people to giggle.

We were wined and dined at the best restaurants all over the midland area of Texas for breakfast, lunch and dinner. After just two days of stuffing my face practically non-stop, my pants were feeling a little tighter than they had before we arrived in Odessa. A temporary evil, I told myself, while I devoured a mixed green salad with grilled chicken, fresh berries and a strawberry vinaigrette, while seated at an outdoor cafe with Audra, PJ and Em enjoying lunch.

"You definitely have a Texas-sized appetite, Miss Maddy," said PJ, sounding a little more amused than I would have liked.

"Must be something in the air because I've done nothing but eat since I got here," I said, wiping my mouth with a napkin before taking several gulps of iced tea.

"It does a body good," he said. "Unless your pants don't fit anymore. Mine's cutting off my circulation as we speak," I replied, making everyone giggle. Over the laughter, I heard my phone ringing, so I reached around for my purse that was hanging off the back of my chair. I dug through its contents, pulling it out just in time to see the call was from a number in Texas. My voice was a little shaky as I answered.

"Mrs. Casey? This is Dr. Brandywine, Harper Walker's oncologist. I have your test results and I was wondering how soon you can get to the medical center. I'd like to discuss some things with you,"" the voice said. My hands started to shake.

"How soon can I be to the medical center?" I repeated. Audra and PJ nearly jumped out of their seats when they heard me say that. "Tell them we can get you there in twenty minutes," said PJ.

We all piled into their truck and we left the parking lot of the cafe with a squeal and the slightest smell of burnt rubber in the air. PJ weaved in and out of traffic on the highway, between small cars and those in the slow lane, like his vehicle was on fire. With each sharp turn of the wheel, Em and I swayed in the backseat like blades of hay being blown back and forth in the wind. At one point, I grabbed onto the armrest and onto Em's arm to steady myself and to hopefully calm the nausea that was beginning to rise in my throat. After what seemed like only minutes, we pulled into the medical center's parking lot. PJ threw the truck into park with a jerk and we all clambered out onto the pavement. I steadied myself against the bed of the truck to get my legs to stop shaking and my stomach to settle down. I was dizzier now than I was at brunch a couple of days ago.

"Jesus, Maddy...you OK? I just wanted to get you here as fast as I could, is all." said PJ. When I had finally caught my breath, we walked into the medical center and took the elevator up to Dr. Brandywine's office on the fourth floor. My heart was practically pounding out of my chest as I opened the door into the waiting room. I gave my name to the receptionist while Audra, PJ and Em all found seats against the opposite wall. After checking in, I poured myself a cup of water from the water cooler next to the reception desk and sat down in the empty seat next to Em.

"Are you okay, Mads? You still look a little green. That boy drives like a bat flying straight out of hell," she said. I nodded that I was okay as I took several gulps of the ice cold water from the flimsy paper cone. The coolness trickled slowly down my throat, settling my upset stomach and calming my jangled nerves from the wild ride we took to get here. After about ten minutes, one of the office nurses came out into the waiting room with a clipboard in her hand. She quickly scanned the room with her eyes before calling out my name.

"Madeleine Casey?" I stood up from my chair and told her that I was Madeleine Casey. "Dr. Brandywine will see you now." I stood up from my chair as she motioned me to follow her. The Walkers and Em followed my down the hallway.

"I think the doctor would like to speak to you alone, Mrs. Casey," she said, looking the entourage that was behind me.

"I have nothing to hide from any of these people. Besides, anything Dr. Brandywine has to tell me affects them, so I would like it if they could join me for this appointment," I said. The nurse agreed, not before letting out a very audible sigh. She knocked on the office door, waiting for the doctor's reply.

"Dr. Brandywine, Madeleine Casey is here for her appointment," she said when she had opened the door.

"Come in...come in...take a seat," said Dr. Brandywine, getting up and coming around the side of his desk. He shook my hand vigorously, then motioned for the others to take a seat on the couch that sat along the west wall of his office, next to a huge mahogany bookcase.

"How have you been, Mrs. Casey? I'm hope these last couple of days waiting haven't been too difficult for you," he said.

"Mr. and Mrs. Walker have been keeping me busy, showing me around Odessa, so it hasn't been too terrible." I said.

"Fine...fine...let's get down to it then, shall we?" he said. He flipped open a file folder that he had in front of him, rustled through a few of the papers before he found what he was looking for. He held up what looked like a lab report of some kind.

"The good news is is that you are a very healthy woman, Mrs. Casey. That alone would make you a viable candidate for harvesting your bone marrow. Fortunately, you are a perfect match for Harper, as we suspected you'd be." Audra and PJ let out sighs of relief, with Audra breaking into tears. "Thank God,thank God," she said, sobbing against PJ's shoulder. I felt a huge rush of relief wash over me. I would be able to help.

"Having said that, I'm afraid you won't be able to do donate your bone marrow. At least not right now," he said. I heard Audra gasp. "What? How can that be? You just said she was a perfect match!" she cried.

"Please, Mrs. Walker...if you let me explain…" he replied. Audra was inconsolable. She continued to sob in PJ's arms as he held her. I could feel a few tears welling up in my own eyes. The sound of her crying broke my heart.

"Mrs. Casey...with your permission, I'll continue to tell you the reasons why you can't be a donor right now," he said.

"One question first...does that mean that at some point, I will be able to be a donor?" I asked.

"Yes, ma'am, that's right...so, may I?" he asked.

"Yes, of course...go on," I replied.

"There were a few lab values, specifically with your urinalysis, so I had them run a specific blood test to confirm what I suspected…" I felt a tingle rush through my entire body and began to shake. This could only mean one thing.

"Is it cancer, Dr. Brandywine? My mother died of cancer, so it wouldn't come as a total surprise if…" He broke me off before I could finish what I was saying.

"Cancer? No, Mrs. Casey...you're pregnant. From the hCg levels in your blood, I'd say you're about ten weeks along.."

The words reverberated inside my head, over and over. " _you're pregnant...you're pregnant...you're pregnant…"_ I started crying, unsure if they were ecstatically happy tears for me and Matt, having finally conceived or if they were tremendously sad tears for not being able to help Harper.

"Are you sure?" was all I could think to say.

"Yes, ma'am...100 percent sure. You're going to have a baby. My calculation points to a due date sometime around September 17th." I broke down sobbing and Em rushed over to comfort me.

"Mads, you should be happy about this. It's what you and Casey have wanted since you got married," she said.

"Of course, I'm happy...it's just that I won't... be able to help Harper now…" I said.

"Mrs. Casey, once you have the baby you can be a donor for Harper. Just not while you're pregnant," said the doctor.

"But by then it might be too…" said Audra, crying again. The word ' _late'_ rankled inside my head, even though she didn't finish her thought. Christ, I couldn't even begin to think about that.

"Mrs. Walker, Harper is a strong little girl in spite of her illness. There are several other options open to her that can help her, at least temporarily, until Mrs. Casey has her baby. Let's not push the panic button just yet," he said. Dr. Brandywine handed me his card and copies of my test results to give to both my GP and OB doctors. Once we were outside, I turned to to Audra and PJ.

"I'm so sorry, guys...I had no idea I was pregnant," I said.

"Honey, there is no need to apologize. You have a little miracle growing inside you and there's no reason for us to think that a miracle won't happen for Harper, too. You go back to Chicago and take care of yourself and that precious cargo of yours. After everything we've put you through, you and your husband deserve to be happy, too," said Audra. We drove back to the hotel in relative silence. As I watched the Texas landscape roll by out my window, I couldn't help but wonder about Matt and me and our marriage. We may have deserved to be happy, but would we be?


	14. Chapter 14

CHAPTER 14

"You need to tell Casey you're knocked up, Mads. He's sure to come back," said Em.

"Em, you know I want him to come back home, but not because I'm pregnant. It has to be because he wants to come home...that he reconciled whatever was going on in his head and he's ready to admit he was an asshole for leaving in the first place," I said. Em and I had been back in Chicago for less than a week and she had bugged me every day since to tell Matt that I was expecting a baby. Her intentions were good, but definitely misguided.

"But he deserves to know he's going to be a father," she countered.

"And I deserve a husband that's fully committed to me and doesn't run away when things get tough! Jesus, Em...whose side are you on, anyway?!" She never stood up for Matt. This was totally unlike her.

"I'm on the baby's side," she said, almost too softly to hear even though she was standing in front of my desk in my office.

"I know, Em...but I also know you understand that it's a little more complicated than that," I said, as I came around to stand beside her. She looked sad, sadder than I had ever seen her before. I gave her a big hug.

"I can feel your bulge," she said, wiping her nose on her sleeve. I let my hands caress the little bump that had already begun to make an appearance in my belly. I tried in vain to hide it by wearing flowy tops and tunics. I didn't want anyone else at work to know besides Em. I couldn't risk being questioned and word getting back to Matt before I had a chance to tell him and God knows when that would be. After two years of trying, I should have been shouting it out to the world but the circumstances wouldn't let me.

"I haven't heard from Matt since we got back from Texas, Em. I don't even know where his head is at right now," I said.

"Goddamn him for doing this," she said. "His timing couldn't be worse."

"The only thing I can do is pray that he comes to his senses, realize he's acted like a jerk and comes back home on his own. Are we clear, Emily Keira Morrison?" I asked in an accusatory tone. It would be just like her to let it slip out in conversation with Kelly, who would most definitely tell Matt. I wanted her to know that she needed to her to keep her mouth closed about all of this.

"Yes, we're clear Madeleine Elizabeth Casey. I'll keep my big cake hole shut," she said, reluctantly.

"Good...now get back to work," I said, guiding her out of my office and closing the door behind her. I needed to concentrate on catching up on all the work that had stacked up while we were in Texas and so did she. It wasn't often that I pulled rank on Em, but sometimes it was necessary. I sat back down at my computer to finish typing up the large pile of intakes that occupied the top left corner of my desk. I pounded away at my keyboard until the stack of intakes was complete then glanced at the desk clock. It was 12:30. I should have known by my stomach's resonated growling that it was lunch time. I grabbed a ten dollar bill from my wallet, opened my office door and looked for Em, but her cubicle was empty.

"Anyone seen Emily?" I asked the other social workers. They all told me no they hadn't. "If she comes back, tell her I went down to the cafeteria to get lunch." I walked out into the hallway and pushed the elevator button, calling it to go down. The cafeteria was located in the basement of the hospital and I hated taking the long walk down the dimly-lit hallway that led to it, especially alone. I made my way through the food line, looking for her but she wasn't there.

"Have you seen Emily Morrison yet today, Flo?" I asked the cashier as I paid her for my ham & cheese on a hard roll, mandarin oranges and chocolate milk.

"Not yet, Mrs. Casey. Funny, cos she's usually been here at least twice by now," she answered. I took one more glance around the room before heading back up to my office. I noticed that she still wasn't in her cubicle when I opened up the door to my office.

"God knows where that woman is, Mrs. Casey. She could be anywhere," said Mary, our department secretary. I smiled and nodded my head in agreement. I sat down at my desk, unwrapped my sandwich and took a big bite of it. I had eaten the same thing for lunch every day this week. I had probably consumed three gallons of chocolate milk since coming back home and the coolness of the mandarin oranges helped to soothe my often upset stomach after spending most mornings vomiting into various toilets from home to here. Contrary to how I had pictured it, I was not going to be one of those glamorous pregnant women. I certainly wouldn't be posing for any magazine covers with my boobs and belly exposed, claiming it was "artsy". More than likely, I would be one of those women who gained sixty pounds, waddled like a duck and looked like a beached whale.

" _CODE RED ALARM ACTIVATION...GROUND FLOOR...CAFETERIA...CODE RED ALARM ACTIVATION...GROUND FLOOR CAFETERIA….CODE RED ALARM ACTIVATION...GROUND FLOOR ...CAFETERIA…"_

A code red meant that the fire alarm had been activated in the location specified by the system, either manually or automatically. In the past, the fire alarm would go off in the cafeteria kitchen on occasion when the deep fryers would overheat. The Ansul system would be activated and the Lakeshore emergency system would call the fire department.

"Shit," came out of my mouth at the sudden realization that Firehouse 51 was on automatic mutual aid for Lakeshore in the event of a fire. Ambulance 61, Squad 3 and Truck 81 would all be responding, which meant Matt would be rolling up any minute. I could hear my staff beginning to panic in the outer office as the fire doors began shutting automatically throughout the facility.

"Hey guys...GUYS! Calm down! That's just the fire doors doing their job. The fire is on the ground floor and everyone needs to stay put until the fire department gives us the all clear! Mary will be coming around to each of you to sign the log. This isn't the first fire alarm you've been through. You all should know how this works."

I told Mary to bring the completed log into my office once everyone had signed it, then went back to my desk to finish my lunch. Before I could sit down, I heard the familiar sirens of Truck 81 as it rolled up to the hospital entrance below my office window. I felt a lump form at the back of my throat as I watched Matt climb out of the Lieutenant's seat on the passenger side of the truck and stop to talk with Chief Boden and Kelly just outside the entrance to the hospital. It was the first time I had set eyes on him in over two weeks. I was still hurt by what he had done, but my heart nearly exploded when I saw him. He had acted like an asshole, but he was my asshole and I loved him. Part of me wanted to run to him and tell him everything, but the other part of me wanted him to come begging on his knees for forgiveness. Realizing that neither was likely to happen, I sat down at my desk. My ravenous appetite had all but disappeared, so I picked at the rest of my food while I typed up a couple of memos and sent a out a few emails.

"Here you go, Mrs. Casey...signed, sealed and delivered. Everyone is accounted for, except Ms. Morrison," said Mary, as she handed me the completed fire log. Just as I was filing it away, the voice from the overhead paging system announced...

" _CODE RED ALL CLEAR...PLEASE RESET ALL FIRE DOORS...CODE RED ALL CLEAR...PLEASE RESET ALL FIRE DOORS...CODE RED ALL CLEAR...PLEASE RESET ALL FIRE DOORS…"_

I felt a rush of relief knowing it was over so that my staff could relax and get back to normal. "OK, guys...that's the 'all clear', so get back to business." As I turned to go back into my office, Em suddenly burst through the department door like a bullet out of a gun.

"Don't worry, ladies...I've got everything under control. I brought back one of Chicago's bravest with me, so there's no need to worry," she said, as she made a beeline for me. Just a few steps behind her, Matt walked into the outer office.

"Look who I ran into in the elevator," she said.

"Jesus, Em...you never think, do you?" I practically ran back to my desk to sit down just in time as Matt appeared in the doorway. "Can I come in?" he asked, sounding more sheepish than I had expected. The angry look on Em's face was enough to make anyone proceed with caution. "Morrison…do you mind?" The scowl never left her face as she walked out of my office. Matt closed the door behind him and stood in front of my desk.

"Hey," was all he said. "Hey, yourself," I replied.

"You look tired, Maddy. Are you OK?" he asked.

"Well, the last couple of weeks have been pretty stressful. I'm not exactly wearing it well," I said.

"I guess that's my fault, right?" he asked. "Not here, Matt, please…" I said, not wanting to get into an argument at work.

"Sorry," he said, scratching his forehead just above his left eyebrow. "I tried calling you a little over a week ago, but you didn't answer."

"Yeah, I was...uh...out of town," I said.

"So…did you go to Texas then? How did things go?"

"You know, Matt...all of these questions wouldn't be necessary if you hadn't left," I said. The happiness of seeing him was quickly replaced by resentment. I felt my anger begin to rise unexpectedly.

"I know...I know…" he said in a quiet voice. "I just miss you." I felt the lump in my throat again.

"Yeah, well...if you had stayed home instead of bolting…" I broke it off before I could finish, feeling tears well up in my eyes.

"You don't miss me?" he asked, sounding like child. "Of course I do, Matt...but I'm not the one who left, am I?" I shouted.

"Jesus, this is no good," he said, turning to leave. I wanted to stop him from going, but I couldn't. If I had stood up, he might see that I was pregnant and I didn't want that to be the reason he came back home.

"Maddy?" he said, pausing in the doorway. "Yeah?" I replied. "Never mind," he said. I couldn't look at him as the tears that had been threatening to fall were rolling down my face now.

I sat at my desk with my face in my hands, motionless for what seemed like forever, until I glanced at the clock on my desk. It was two o'clock. For the next three hours, I busied myself with the intakes that my staff of social workers had completed, correcting their spelling and grammar before submitting them into the system. Many of the patients at Lakeshore needed services once they were discharged from the hospital, especially the elderly ones. It was always sad to see someone who had lived an entire independent life now having to rely on social programs to help them. I did take a little comfort knowing that they would be taken care of once they were home.

When five o'clock finally rolled around, I shut down my computer, filed the last few intakes in my drawer to finish tomorrow, clicked off my desk lamp, grabbed my coat and purse and headed out. I was locking my office door when Em came up behind me.

"Feel like some company tonight?" she asked. If the truth be known, I wanted nothing more than to be alone tonight. The events of the day and Emily's surprise Matt attack had left me feeling raw and a little angry with her.

"Not tonight, Em. I just want to get home, take a warm bath, have a cup of green tea and eat a little something before crashing into bed. Some other time, OK?" I answered. "Yeah, sure," she said, hanging her head and looking sullen. I knew she meant well bringing Matt up to see me, but she never really gives any thought to how she could have seriously screwed things up even more.

I drove home in one of those tired trances where you're oblivious to honking horns, being stalled in traffic and remembering exactly how you got home. I could keep my mind occupied at work with no problem, but once I was home it was a different story. Reminders of Matt were everywhere in the house and in the grey of an early spring evening, everything appeared a little more somber and lonely than it had earlier in the day. After a quick bubble bath, I dressed in leggings and Matt's Blackhawks jersey. I pulled on a pair of heavy socks before going downstairs to find something for dinner.

I rummaged through the refrigerator, grabbing stuff to make a grilled cheese sandwich. It was one of my favorite comfort foods, paired with a steaming bowl of tomato soup. I certainly didn't have the wherewithal to make homemade soup, so I grabbed a can of Progresso from the cupboard. I grabbed the jug of chocolate milk and set it on the tray with my soup and sandwich and headed for the living room to eat. It was nearly seven o'clock and I could already feel the tiredness in my bones setting in. I turned on the TV and watched the news while I ate. After I had cleaned up the kitchen and made myself a cup of green tea, I switched through the channels and settled on one of those maudlin Lifetime movies. I pulled the afghan off the back of the couch, plumped up one of the pillows and settled back to enjoy mindlessness for the next couple of hours.


	15. Chapter 15

CHAPTER 15

" _Where is Matt? Please... help me find him! I need to tell him something important! Why won't you tell me where he is?' I rushed around frantically, looking in every corner and crevice of the firehouse, but still couldn't find him. "Matt...please tell me where you are. I need you."_

" _I'm right here, baby," he said, stroking my hair. I began to cry softly as his fingers caressed the side of my face. Finally, he was home._

I woke with a jump, not realizing where I was when I opened my eyes, The light from the television was flickering throughout the darkened room, bouncing flashes of light off of everything, including what looked like a figure of someone crouched beside the couch next to where I was laying. My head felt fuzzy and I still wasnt sure that I was awake. It had all seemed so real.

"Maddy? Are you OK?" a soft, familiar voice asked.

"Matthew? Is that really you or am I still dreaming?" I said, pulling the afghan up around my shoulders.

"It's really me, baby. I let myself. I hope that's okay," he said in a low whisper.

"It's still your house too, Matt. How long have you been here?," I asked.

"Long enough to hear you call out for me in your sleep," he said.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, ignoring the comment about me calling out for him. I sat up and turned the TV off with the remote.

"After seeing you today, I realized that I've been a complete jackass," he said, his deep voice cracking slightly. "I should have been here for you, Maddy. You were put in the middle of something that you had no control over...something you shouldn't have had to face alone. I'll never forgive myself for walking away. All those things you said to me that day were true...I was only thinking about myself, thinking you didn't have the right to get on with your life without me, fall in love, have a family...and that was wrong," he said.

"Yeah, it was, Matt. That's not how married people should act," I said.

"I know that. I didn't exactly have the best role models. My father beat up on my mother just about everyday until she couldn't take it anymore and shot him. Not exactly Mr. & Mrs. America," he said.

"Matt, you can't compare yourself to your parents. It's like apples and oranges," I said.

"Yeah, but I still have to lay the blame somewhere, Maddy. I know I wouldn't have walked out on you if my parents hadn't had such a dysfunctional relationship," he said.

"OK...fair enough, I guess."

"I've lived in this city most of my life, yet when I came back from California once I turned twenty-one, something never felt quite right, like I was missing a piece of myself. The day that feeling went away was the day you walked back into my life, Maddy. All that emptiness and feeling lost just disappeared the moment I saw your face. The piece I had been missing was you...us...what we had. Even though we were kids, I knew then it was the most genuine and deeply I had ever loved someone and been loved back," he said.

"I want you to know something, Matt...when you disappeared, my life as I knew it back then came crashing down around me. I had no idea where you were or what I could have possibly done to make you stop loving me. I practically ceased to exist without you or an explanation of what had happened. I spent the better part of my Freshman year of college in and out of the hospital because losing you nearly killed me. It was like that for a long time. I didn't live a normal college girl life. I didn't have boyfriends or go to parties. I withdrew from everything and everyone. I ached for you every day, Matt...until I met Jace. Jace was the only one to ever make the pain of losing you go away. I didn't plan any of it. It just happened and then when I lost him too...and then the baby…" My words were suddenly stunted by the sobs that were stuck in my throat.

"I know, Maddy...and hearing all of it unfold a few weeks ago for the first time...well, it all hit me like a runaway train and I ran, never thinking about you or what you were going through. I don't want to be that guy, Maddy. I'm _not_ that guy. You know that. Being away from you has only proven to me that my life isn't complete without you in it and what happened when we were apart shouldn't make any difference. At the end of the day, no matter how ugly it's been, I know that I still have you to come home to. I love you, Maddy...nothing, not anyone or anything, will ever change that. Please say that I can come back home. I made a terrible mistake and I'm so sorry I put you through this," he said. I could tell that he was crying. He was kneeling in front of me, his hands holding mine and his head bowed low.

"Matt...come on, look at me," I said, lifting his head up. His eyes were wet and red. The look of shame on his face tugged at my heart, even though it was justified. He did a despicable thing by leaving me at such a critical time, but at least he was here admitting he was wrong and apologizing for it.

"I was just as floored as you were to hear all of that. For ten years, I thought that the baby I had given birth to had died. All this time and not one person gave me any reason to think otherwise. I buried both her and Jace's memory together and locked it up somewhere deep inside me. I never lied to you, Matthew. It was a time in my life that I didn't want to talk about. I couldn't remember most of it and what I could remember was just too painful. Please tell me you understand that," I said.

"I do," he said, shaking his head.

"Finding out she was alive after all these years was a huge shock, but necessary. I had to do what was right, Matt...with or without you. I couldn't let your leaving affect my decision. I had to do right by Harper. It was the least I could do for her," I continued.

"I know that now. I'm sorry it took me so long to catch up to where you were, were you are," he said. "Did you go to Texas yet?"

"Yes, I did. We got home about a week ago," I said.

"We?" he asked.

"Em went with me," I said.

"Morrison always comes through, doesn't she? Did everything go okay?" I wasn't sure how to answer his question. Everything had gone right except for helping Harper.

"Yes...and no," I said. I got up from the couch, still holding the afghan in front of me. Matt stood up and turned around to look at me.

"What does that mean? Weren't you a good match for the bone marrow?" he asked, sounding completely confused.

"I was a perfect match for her, but the doctors there discovered something that prevented me from being her donor…" I said.

"Christ, Maddy...you're worrying me now. Is this the something important you had to tell me in your dream just now?" he said as he walked across the living room towards me.

"Yes, it is...but before I tell you, you have to promise on your life that you will always be that stand-up guy that I know you are. Promise me, Matt, because if I thought for even a second that something else could make you leave..." I said. I was crying again, trying to maintain my composure and dignity. He could never do this to me again, not now, not ever. He took my hands in his and brought them up to his mouth, placing soft kisses on both of them. Like mine, his eyes were brimming with tears.

"I promise on my life that I will never leave you again, Maddy. I will never let you down, ever again. Jesus….God...please believe me," he said. I believed him. He wasn't a perfect man and God knows he had his flaws, but he's perfect for me. He had been for the better part of almost 20 years.

"What, Maddy? They discovered what?!" His eyes were pleading with me, begging me to tell him. I could see the worry on his face.

"I'm...pregnant…" I said, barely above a whisper.

"What...did you say?" asked Matt, his face was a picture of disbelief.

"I'm pregnant, Matthew. We're going to have a baby," I said, in a flood of tears. His expression softened immediately and more tears spilled over onto his cheeks. He cupped my face with both of his hands and placed his lips on mine. His kiss was soft and wet and deepened with each second that passed. He wrapped his arms around my waist lifting me up, his mouth never leaving mine. I clutched at his shoulders as he held me, kissing him with a new found fervor and never wanting this feeling of sheer joy to end.

He set me gently down on the floor, then reached his hand out to touch my stomach. I lifted up the Blackhawks jersey, exposing my belly and the orange-sized bulge that was growing there. He kneeled down in front of me, his hand softly caressing the tiny bump in front of him.

"Miracles really do happen," he said.

"We both prayed so hard for this, Matt. This is our baby...ours...finally," I said. My ran my fingers through his hair as he leaned in and placed a soft kiss on my tummy. He lingered there for a moment before turning his face up to mine. With tears streaming down his face and his voice cracked with emotion, he said "When, baby…?"

"Dr. McAdams says around September 15th. I stopped charting my temps some time in February when we couldn't get our schedules to jive, but going by my menstrual cycle, she's pretty sure that we conceived on Christmas," I said.

The corners of his mouth lifted into that famous smile of his. "The night I said we should take a break from science and just be you and me...making love like we used to before all the fertility stuff," he said.

"Yeah, well...it worked," I replied. He stood up slowly, wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me softly. His hands moved down to just under my behind and swiftly lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around him as he carried me up the stairs and kicked open the door to our bedroom. He put me down next to the bed and lifted the jersey over my head. His hands gently cupped my breasts as he leaned in to kiss me. "I love you so much," he whispered. He snaked his hands around to my lower back, then slid them into the back of my leggings, squeezing my behind before pushing them down around my feet.

"Is this alright? I won't hurt…" he said, looking concerned. "No, baby...it'll be okay...I promise," I said. He pulled his t-shirt off over his head and tossed it to the floor. He unzipped his jeans and pushed them down to step out of them. He scooped me up in his arms and laid me down on our bed, positioning himself carefully between my legs.

"You look more beautiful than ever...if that's even possible."

"Maybe it's that pregnancy glow everyone talks about...or maybe you're biased. " His smile widened briefly before he kissed me again. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, holding on as his mouth attacked mine. He pushed himself up slightly, gazing down at me with a cautious look.

"Are you sure about this, baby?" I pulled him back down on top of me. I whispered in his ear.

"Just fuck me already, Lieutenant,"

His eyes widened and a wicked little grin broke out on his face. He grabbed my wrists and held them down on the bed on either side of my head and covered my mouth with his. With one shift of his hips and one hand to guide him, he was inside me. Still holding onto my wrists, he seamlessly moved his hips, pushing further and harder with each thrust. My body was hungry for him and responded immediately to the feel of cock. I could feel my clit swell, pressing and pulling against his shaft as he moved. My juices flowed out and around him, making his cock glide in and out of me easily. He let go of my wrists as he quickened his pace, pushing himself up and bracing himself on the bed. I dug my nails into the skin on his shoulders, feeling his muscles flex under my fingers. I felt myself begin to shudder as my orgasm hit. I thrust my hips upward and arched my back, letting wave after wave of intense spasmodic pleasure ripple through my body and around his cock. Matt closed his eyes and let out a short grunt as he found his release and collapsed on top of me.

"Oh God, I'm sorry, baby! Did I hurt you?" He pushed himself up and rolled over next to me. I rolled over on top of him, straddling his torso. I looked down at his careworn face with those incredible blue green eyes of his, sparkling like tropical water.

"I'm not a China doll, Matt. I won't break, I promise," I said. He shifted his body and pulled me down next to him on the bed. He brushed the hair off of my face with his fingers, then cupped my chin before planting another kiss on my lips.

"Can you forgive me?"

"I already have…"


	16. Chapter 16

CHAPTER 16

The dog days of the Chicago summer seemed to come out of nowhere after a long and rainy spring. Just as soon as the last little pile of black snow at the end of our driveway disappeared, the clouds cleared and the sun came out in all its glory. We hadn't seen a day below 90 degrees for well over a week and it was only the end of June. Being close to seven months pregnant, I was already dreading the temperatures that the rest of the summer had in store.

The air conditioning system at Lakeshore was a joke and my office felt like Calcutta in July. Matt purchased two large box fans for me to use at work and they were the only reason I didn't keel over from heat exhaustion. The constant circulation of air kept me cool enough to get my work done in relative comfort.

"OK, I think I've got the hang of this intake thing now," said Em, bursting through my office door. For the last several weeks, I had been trying to prepare her to fill in for me while I was out on maternity leave.

"By all means, come in, Em," I said.

"Funny. Jesus! I can't hear myself think in this goddamn wind tunnel." She crossed over from my door to the fan that was closest to her and began fiddling with the knob.

"For God's sake don't turn that off!" I yelled.

"Not even for a minute so I can talk to you?"

"Not if you want me to remain upright for the entire time." She shrugged her shoulders and plopped in one of the chairs that were in front of my desk.

"Mads, I don't know if I'm cut out to do your job while you're gone."

"Oh don't give me that, Emily Morrison. This job should have been yours in the first place and you know it."

"But there's a very good reason that I didn't get my Masters, Mads."

"And what's that?"

"I'm lazy and I didn't want to."

"That's two reasons."

"Yep…and both are very good."

"Should I find someone else to take over while I'm gone? There's still plenty of time to advertise."

"No, Mads. You know how I hate anyone telling me what to do."

"Yeah, I'm familiar with your modus operandi."

"I tend to cooperate with you because you're my friend and I love you."

"You mean all this time, you've been cooperating with me and I didn't know it?" A little smirk crossed my face as the words left my lips. She said nothing, except blew me her famous raspberries.

"Nice," I said.

"I miss this, Madster. You and me...bantering back and forth while drinking wine and eating chocolate cake."

"Aren't we doing that right now? Sans the wine and cake, but still…"

"That's not what...I just mean…"

"Go on, Em...tell me what you mean."

"Everything's changed since you got pregnant. You and Casey never go out with me and Severide anymore. You're too busy stenciling the nursery or making some major decision for the baby. Our biggest decisions are based on where in the apartment we're gonna fuck next." I could hear the tinge of sadness in her voice as she spoke. She was right about things changing, but it couldn't be helped. Matt and I were preparing to be parents. Our lives were not just about us anymore.

"Come on, Em…" She put her hand up in front of her, like a traffic cop signaling cars to stop.

"I know what you're gonna say, Mads...and I get it. I do. It doesn't mean that I have to like it."

"You'll adjust, Em. Matt and I did," I said. I didn't know what else to say to her.

"That's easy for you to say." She got up out of the chair and headed back towards the door.

"You need any help?" I asked.

"No, I got it." She quietly shut the door behind her.

I had been aware that there had been a shift in our relationship ever since Matt and I got married, but when I found out that I was pregnant, the shift had turned into a noticeable gap. I understood her feelings even though I thought she was being a little bit selfish. My first instinct was to pick up the phone and call Kelly to tell him to get on the stick and propose to her already, but that wouldn't help things. Besides, Kelly Severide seemed like the type of guy who would probably never get married and I wasn't entirely sure that that's what Em would want anyway. My empathy for Em was suddenly interrupted by my desk phone ringing.

"How's my beautiful wife?" The sound of Matt's voice always brought a smile to my face.

"She's feeling like a beached whale at the moment," I said.

"A beautiful beached whale though, right?"

"Yeah, sure. Whatever you say," In truth, felt anything but beautiful. I waddled like a duck, my back hurt, my skin was blotchy and my ankles had the tendency to swell three times their normal size by the end of the day. Not exactly Cover Girl material.

"Maddy…." Here it comes. The mild reprimand that Matt was famous for.

"You're my husband, Matthew. You love me and I'm carrying our child. You cannot possibly be objective here. You're blind to the fact that I look like a hot air balloon with fat feet." He responded with a deep laugh. God, how I loved the sound of his laughter.

"Are your fans working out?"

"Yep, both are running full speed."

"Good. By the way, I have another surprise for you...well, two actually...no, make that three."

"Is one of them that we won the Powerball? I could use a cool $300 million."

"No...but one of them is that the central air conditioning in the house in up and running. Does that make you happy?"

"Ecstatically. Not as much as $300 million, but still. What are the other two?"

"I'm cooking dinner for you tonight, so you can put those fat feet up for the entire evening."

"You think my feet are fat?"

"I'm just repeating what you already said, Maddy!"

"OK, I'll let that one slide. What's the last surprise?" It's a good thing we weren't on FaceTime. There would be no way I could hide the huge smirk on my face.

"Well, the last one depends on whether or not you can skip out a couple of hours early today."

"I'll ask my the department head, but she's almost seven months pregnant and kind of a grump these days. I'll see what I can do."

"OK, baby. You work your magic and I'll pick you up in an hour. I love you."

"Love you back, Lieutenant."


	17. Chapter 17

CHAPTER 17

"Matthew, do I really have to keep this blindfold on? I'm getting woozy." He had insisted that I wear it for the "full surprise effect", as he called it.

"Just a for a few more minutes, Maddy. We're almost there." I felt him squeeze my hand, then bring it up to his lips to kiss the back of it. We drove along a road that felt like it was full of potholes the size of the Grand Canyon. Even the smooth ride of the Cadillac wasn't enough to keep me from bouncing.

"Another bump like that and this baby will be rocketing out whether she's ready or not," I said, holding on to my stomach for leverage.

"You mean whether HE'S ready or not. Anyway, we're here." He got out of the car and came around to the passenger side. He opened the door, took my hand and helped me out of the car. With the blindfold still on, he awkwardly guided me on to what felt like a patch of grass. We were definitely outside of the Chicago city limits. I could hear the sounds of bees buzzing and cicadas singing their song. The air was warm and clean and smelled of new mown hay.

"Voila!" said Matt as he removed the blindfold. In front of me was a large overgrown patch of land with a scattering of oak trees. It had a faint familiarness to it, but I was completely unaware of where we were.

"This is your surprise? A field? Don't tell me you've bought cows..."

"No..and it's not just a field, Maddy. Don't you recognize it?"

"Not really, Matt."

"Don't you remember...the day after the Senior Formal, when we took a drive to look at places we wanted to build a house when we got married?" His eyes were wide and radiated a child-like eagerness, just waiting for me to show a hint of recognition.

"Oh my God! Is this the same place?!"

"Yes, baby...it is! And now we can buy it!" He hugged me close and kissed the top of my head.

"But how, Matt? We already have two mortgages."

"My old place on Richmond sold today! Once the balance of that old mortgage is paid off, we'll have about forty grand to purchase the land and start building our house! Surprise, baby!" He pulled me in close and kissed me softly. I held his face in my hands, feeling to movement of the muscles in his jaw as his mouth covered mine.

"Is there any chance that you still have the plans to the house you were gonna build for us here?" His grin suddenly widened.

"I do. They were in the attic on Richmond. I found them a few months ago when I was staying…" his voice trailed off before he finished. Our temporary separation seemed like ages ago, but it was still awkward for us whenever it came up, even in a roundabout way like this. He took my hand in his and led me back to the car.

"After all these years, I can't believe that piece of property wasn't sold. It's almost like it was waiting for us, Matt."

"I know...and here we are twenty years later, doing exactly what we planned when we were eighteen. Incredible, isn't it?" I smiled and nodded in agreement. It was our personal kismet coming to life and it felt damn good. We drove back to the house, talking about the details of the house Matt had designed for us back then, laughing about how we had wanted six bedrooms, each with its own bathroom. I remembered requesting a massive walk-in closet, almost as big as the master suite itself.

"I'm still gonna need that closet, Casey," I said.

"Yeah, I figured. Now, go upstairs and take a bath while I get dinner ready," he said. He gave me a quick slap on the ass to send me on my way. As I trudged myself and my puffy ankles up the stair, I could feel my energy waning. If I climbed into a bathtub full of bubbles now, I may be there for the night. I decided on a cool shower instead. The rhythmic sound of the central air conditioning sounded like a cooling little lullabye as I dried myself off and dressed in a short tank dress..

"Notice how cool the house is, little mama?" Matt was setting the dining room table as I rounded the corner into the dining room.

"Notice how I've stayed upright and conscious since I came home? Thank you, Matt...a million times, thank you," I said, giving him a quick peck and pulling off a few green grapes from the fruit basket at the center of the table. "Really? Did you just call me 'little mama'? He gave me another big grin. "I'll let that one slide, too...but only because I smell your sriracha glazed salmon cooking."

"Yep! Sit down, baby...it's ready." He disappeared into the kitchen for a few minutes only to come back with a platter of beautifully glazed fish, baked potatoes, fresh sauteed green beans and a basket of warm rolls...and my ever present gallon of chocolate milk. I had dispensed with the formality of using a glass and had begun simply drinking from the jug everytime I wanted a sip.

"Oh my God, Matt. This looks amazing!" Before he could answer, I picked up my fork and began tucking into the plateful of food. It tasted just as a delicious as it looked. I must have looked like a ravenous wildebeest while I ate, especially since I was slugging back a gallon of chocolate milk like it was moonshine. When I had finished, I got up from the table with my plate and headed out to the kitchen.

"Leave it, baby...I got this. Go put your feet up," said Matt, taking the dish from my hand.

"Have I mentioned lately that I love you?"

"You might have...maybe once...a long time ago," he smiled. I followed my Lieutenant's orders, walked straight to the couch, sat down and swung my feet around on to the cushion next to me. I plumped up one of the pillows and put it behind me. My tummy was full, my back wasn't aching and my fat feet were elevated, which all things considered, made me a very happy pregnant person and I quickly dozed off. I woke up to the feeling of Matt rubbing my feet.

"I'm sorry, baby...I didn't mean to wake you," he said as his strong hands worked their magic on my swollen tootsies.

"It's okay. I was beginning to feel a little like the fatted calf anyway," I yawned.

"Maddy...don't do that. You still look as beautiful as ever."

"The Chicago Fire Department lets you fight fires for them with such crappy eyesight?" I slowly pushed myself up into a sitting position, hoping to get the kink out of my back.

"My eyesight is perfect. You're beautiful. End of discussion."

"Yes, sir," I said, giving him a salute. I sat quietly with my eyes closed while Matt continued to massage my sore feet.

"Feel good, baby?" he asked. His strong hands were wrapped around my feet and his thumbs were rubbing the soles, pushing away the tension of carrying 20 extra pounds around all day.

"Mmmmm, oh yeah...more than you know," I said.

"I'd say the moaning you're making is giving you away." I opened one eye to look at him, only to see a cheeky grin on his face.

"Can I help it if your touch makes me moan?"

"I wouldn't have it any other way." He let go of my feet and shifted his position from sitting on the couch to in between my legs. He placed his hands on either side of me to hold himself up so that he was laying directly on top of me. I could feel the familiar hardness of his erection pressing through his jeans and against my crotch.

"Well, I see you've gotten over your fear of hurting me or the baby," I said with a grin. He gave me a soft smile before he leaned down to kissed me. The feel of his mouth on mine usually ignited my body instantly, but the fatigue I felt was not letting any passion take over.

"Matt...uh, baby...can we just…" I wanted to blurt out that I couldn't have been less in the mood for sex at this moment than if I had been jumping out of an airplane without a parachute.

"But I thought touching you made you moan?", he said, looking a little hurt.

"It does...and ordinarily this would have turned into...something...but I'm feeling a little achy and bloated tonight. OK?"

"OK, baby...I understand." He may have understood, but the look on his face gave away his disappointment.

"Matt, I'm sorry...I'm just…"

"You don't need to apologize, Maddy. It's just that I feel guilty now for…"

"For what?" He shook his head as if to get the thought out of his head. "Tell me, Matthew."

"It's just that the sight of you...carrying our baby...your growing belly...I find it all...very….sexy…" His face turned slightly red as the words stumbled out of his mouth. He rubbed his hand over his mouth, almost as if the words had left a dirty residue there. Now I was the one who felt guilty. I felt tears prick my eyes while I was trying to find the right thing to say to him, but the words wouldn't come. I picked up his hand and brought it up to my lips, kissing the back of it.

"Maddy, you know that I've always thought you were the most beautiful thing I have ever seen….but looking at you now, I not only see the most beautiful woman in the world...I see everything I have ever wanted...you and me together, raising a family...it gets to me and I just want you...need you. I'm sorry..." he said. His voice was soft and deep and I knew he was speaking from his heart.

"Don't apologize, Matt. Any woman would kill to hear her husband say those things to her," I said, wiping away a few tears.

"I just love you so much, Maddy…"

Without skipping a beat, I was straddling his lap, pulling at his t-shirt and kissing him fervently. The achy, bloated feeling dissipated with the last few sentences he spoke. My passion had found its way back to me.

"But I thought…"

"Shhhhhhhhh," I whispered into his mouth as my tongue wrestled with his, stopping him from saying anything more.

My hands found their way down to the buttons on his jeans. I clawed at it like a hungry lion on a freshly killed zebra, but still could not get them unbuttoned. I felt Matt's hands slide over mine and pop it open. I pulled at his zipper until his erection was exposed. He looked up at me, his eyes gleaming and his hand pulling down the top of my dress. His hands cupped my breasts as his mouth found one of my nipples. He sucked at it and nipped it with his teeth, making me squeal like a newborn kitten.

I raised my arms as he lifted my dress off of my shoulders and dropped it to the floor. I cradled his head as he placed a few soft kisses on my protruding belly. I lifted my body up, gripped him tightly in my hand and guided the head of his penis to my soft, wet opening.

"Baby, are you sure?" I leaned down and kissed him deeply before sliding him inside of me. He groaned into my mouth as I pushed myself down on him, taking him as deep as I could. He held my hips as I moved. His eyes were locked on mine, watching me slowly rise and fall over and over on him. I could feel him growing harder and bigger each time I moved up and down. I braced myself against the back of the couch, picking up the pace when his moans became louder. I was engrossed in watching his face as I pleasured him when my own orgasm hit out of nowhere. My entire body shuddered as I came, shooting out to my wrists and down my thighs, making me cry out and dig my nails into the skin on his shoulders. I could feel his body tense underneath me and I knew that he was close.

"Uuuhhh...uuuhhh, oh God...Maddy….I'm gonna…" His grunted and his face twisted as he found his release. I felt the warmth and wetness as he emptied himself inside me. As the last of our orgasms faded away, unexpected tears began to spill over onto my cheeks. The last of my breaths turned into soft sobs. We held onto each other until our bodies stopped shaking and our breathing calmed down, my arms around his neck and his around my waist.

"Are you alright, baby?"

"I'm perfect," I said, stroking his cheek with my thumb.

"Yes, baby...you are."


	18. Chapter 18

CHAPTER 18

"Is this crap going to be moved off my dining room table any time soon? I'm tired of pushing around stacks of folders and papers to make room to eat, Matt."

"I'm sorry, Maddy. I had no place else to put them. Once we close on my old place next week, I'll get all of this stuff organized and put away. I promise."

Ever since Matt sold his old house, he had commandeered the dining room table and the floor of the nursery for all his personal and construction business files. If I didn't know better, I would swear they were multiplying while we slept. I plunked down my plate and glass of chocolate milk on one of the few bare spots on the table and sat down to eat.

"What's with the salad? Don't you want me to make you a grilled ham and cheese instead? You love those."

"Yeah, I love 'em a little too much. I put on six pounds in the last two weeks. Dr. McAdams yelled at me yesterday," I said, just before taking a big mouthful of mixed greens, grilled chicken and low cal raspberry vinaigrette.

"Did she tell you to give up the chocolate milk?" He had a wry smile on his face, the smart ass.

"I'd rather cut off my right arm than give that up," I said. He started laughing under his breath, sounding a lot like a dog with asthma.

"Are Morrison and Severide still coming over today?"

"Yeah, Em's gonna help me finish setting up the nursery. What are you and Kelly gonna do?"

"Move the file cabinet drawers out of the nursery so you and Morrison can finish setting it up." Another sly little grin broke across his face.

"Funny, Casey...real funny," I said. He reached around and put both of his hands on my stomach. Just as he did, the baby kicked.

"My son thinks I'm funny. Feel that!"

"Believe me, I feel it...and it might be your daughter in there who thinks you're funny."

"With a kick like that? Nah...that's a boy. I can sense it." He kissed the top of my head, then continued to try to rearrange the stuff on the table. As I watched him, I realized that my gut instinct was also telling me that this baby was a boy. As much as I would love a baby girl, giving Matt the son he's always wanted since we were kids would be one of the greatest joys of my life. Just six years ago, I would have never dreamed that Matt and I would find each other again. Now here we were, married and a expecting our first child, just like we'd planned when we were sixteen. I had been a long road with its share of bumps, but we made it. I got up and wedged myself between Matt and the oak table., wrapping my arms around his neck.

"Hello," he said, looking puzzled. I said nothing as I pulled his head close to mine and gave him a deep, soft, wet kiss that lasted several minutes.

"Not that I'm complaining or anything, but what was that for?"

"Just because I love you. That's all."

"That's all? That's enough. Come here…" He lifted me up and sat me on the table, enveloping me in another deep kiss. I wrapped my legs around his waist as he pushed his tongue between my lips. I began to moan softly as he continued to master my mouth, when the doorbell rang, yanking us out of our passion.

"That's probably Em and Kelly," I said, attempting to get up to answer the door.

"Oh no you don't. You activated the launch sequence now. You're not going anywhere!"

"But, Matt...our friends are at the door! What are you going to do….take me on the dining room table in front of them?!"

"I just might!" he said. He lifted me up, carrying me through the living room and to the front door with me squealing the entire time. He hung on to me while he struggled to open the door. When he finally did, Kelly and Em were standing on the front porch looking at us like we were aliens.

"You two are so fucking weird," said Em as she breezed past us and into the house.

"Hey bro. Need a beer?" said Kelly, patting Matt on the shoulder and grinning like an idiot.

"Matthew! Put me down!" I shouted, still giggling. He finally put me down and as I was straightening my clothes, he whispered "I'll be coming back to finish what you started, little mama."

"Did you just call her 'little mama'? You don't value your nuts too much, do you?" Em had such a lyrical way of getting straight to the point.

"She likes it, so shut it Morrison," said Matt.

"Umm, I tolerate it. Big difference, babe" I replied. Matt smiled and kissed my forehead. Em stuck her tongue out at him as usual, then tugged at my arm to get me to go upstairs.

"Easy, Em! I'm not as light on my feet as I was a few months ago!" I followed her up the stairs and into the nursery. "We finally finished painting. Doesn't the yellow look great in here?" I said. "Yeah, if you like bananas. Look, I gotta talk to you," said Em. If I didn't know better, I would swear that the expression on her face was one of grief.

"What is it? Are you and Kelly okay?" I asked.

"Severide and I are fine. It's just that...I feel like...I….oh shit, I don't know how to say this…" she stammered.

"What, for God's sake?"

"I feel like I'm losing you. There, I said it." She seemed both relieved and nervous at the sound of her own words.

"Losing me how? We see each other at work every day. You and Kelly have been here almost every weekend that he and Matt have been off shift. What is it?"

"What we had as friends. Our togetherness. I don't know how to say it, I guess."

"What? Because I'm pregnant?"

"And married and I'm not either of those."

"Soooo...you want to be married and pregnant? Should I throw the word 'barefoot' in there, too?" She wasn't making any sense.

"Oh hell, no...I only meant that I feel like we're growing apart. Like you don't belong to me anymore."

"Uh newsflash, Em...I never actually belonged to you. I'm not your pet puppy," I could feel my anger rising and this was not how this day was supposed to go.

"That's not...oh, fuck. Forget I said anything."

"Em, look...I know we've both gone through a lot of changes in the last few years, but none of it has to change anything between you and me. You're my best friend and I need you more than ever."

"Why?"

"Why? Because I want you to be the baby's Godmother, that's why." Dead silence, which worried me a little.

"Say something, Em…"

"The fact that you and Casey trust me to be your child's Godmother...I'm blown away, Mads."

"Who else would we have chosen? Right now, Matt's probably asking Kelly to be the baby's Godfather, too."

"Oh, Mads…" She grabbed hold of me and hugged me until I thought she was going to suffocate me.

"We're never gonna grow apart, Em. I love you and your Godchild is gonna love you, too." I could hear the faint sound of her crying. Emily almost never cries unless it's for a good reason.

"Love you too," she mumbled through her tears. Just then, Matt and Kelly walked into the nursery.

"Women are so emotional about these things," said Kelly. "Men just crack open a beer and clink 'em together."

"Better emotional than a simpleton," I cracked.

"You don't mean that, Mads," said Kelly, giving me a hug. "Bruiser and I are honored that you guys chose us to be Godparents. It means a lot to both of us."

"Okay, enough of this mushy shit. Let's get to work," said Em, wiping her eyes and nose on her sleeve. Matt and Kelly started to pick up the file drawers that were spread all over the nursery floor, while Em and I began to set up the crib and changing table. When we were finally finished, we sat down in the middle of the room and admired our hard work.

"This baby is going to be so spoiled," said Em.

"I know she is," I said.

"She? Do you know something I don't?"

"No, it's just that Matt is so sure that it's a boy that I've been referring to it as 'she' out of sheer feminist defense. The truth is that I think it's a boy too...I just don't want to give Matt the male chauvinist satisfaction."

"Chow's ready, guys!" Kelly's voice drifted upstairs along with the aroma of grilled steak. Em helped me up off of the floor and then we both headed down the stairs.

"Oh my God! I can actually see the top of my dining room table!" I said as I rounded the corner from the stairs into the living room.

"We done good, baby?" asked Matt. He put his arm around my expanding waist and kissed me on the forehead. "You done real good, Lieutenant."

The four of us sat down at the table and had devoured every bit of the steaks, baked potatoes and salad that the boys had made in less than an hour.

"I am never eating again," said Em, letting out a belch.

"You not eat? That'll be the day, Bruiser," said Kelly. True to form and her nickname, Em punched Kelly in the arm. "We'll help you guys clean up and then we should get going. I have to take this one home and teach her a lesson," said Kelly. Em merely smirked at him as she helped the clear the table. When all of the dished were loaded in the dishwasher and the dining room table was clean, Em and Kelly said their goodbyes, leaving me and Matt alone for the first time since early afternoon. It was now after 8:00 PM.


	19. Chapter 19

CHAPTER 19

"Wanna see the nursery now, Daddy?" Matt and I were slowly trudging up the stairs, both feeling the tiredness in our bones. "Daddy...I like the sound of that," he said as I opened the door to the baby's room.

"Wow, Maddie...you and Morrison have done an amazing job! It looks great, baby!" He grabbed my upper arms and pulled me in close for a soft deep kiss. "If you're gonna kiss me like that, I'll start decorating nurseries for a living!" He grinned and kissed me a second time, sliding his hands down into the back of my shorts this time.

"Uh...not in the baby's room,mister...and not before you get that last crate of files out of here." I pointed to a small plastic bin shoved into the corner behind the chair next to the window. "You got it, little mama," he said. He let go of me and picked up the basket of overflowing files, kissing me again on his way out of the room. He returned to the nursery a few minutes later with a very naughty smirk on his face.

"Why the look?" As if I didn't know.

"I told you that I'd be back to make you finish what you started…" He gently lifted me up, his hands supporting my behind as I wrapped my legs around him. He carried me across the hall into our bedroom and put me down by the bed. He slid both of his hands on either side of my neck, pulling me into another soft, wet kiss.

"Babe, would you mind if I took a quick shower? I feel like I've got a few layers of dust to wash off."

"Can I join you in the shower?" His wide eyed innocent look wasn't fooling me. "Of course you can." I took his hand and led him into the bathroom. He turned the water on and let it run until it was warm enough for us to get in. Matt stepped in first and then offered his hand to me to help me in. I let the stream of warm water wash over my breasts and belly as Matt began to wash my back, neck and shoulders. The firmness of his hands made the tired tension in my muscles melt away with each stroke. His arms reached around me and began to wash my baby bump. I leaned my head back against his chest as his hands moved in circles on either side of my tummy. He placed soft kisses on my neck as he continued to bathe me. It was a beautiful, erotic moment.

No words were spoken between us as his soapy hands moved up to my breasts. He took my nipples between his finger and thumb, gently stroking them until they stood erect, eliciting soft moans from the back of my throat. His body shifted behind me and the firmness of his erection grazed against my lower back. Instinctively, I bent forward, placing my hands against the front wall of the shower, to let him know what my intentions were. He shifted his hands to my hips and pushed two fingers inside me, making me groan at the unexpected pleasure. Conventional sex had become slightly uncomfortable in the last few weeks and this position seemed to shift my center of gravity, taking the weight of the baby off my pelvis, making it more comfortable for penetration.

"You okay, baby?" he asked. I nodded my head to let him know that I was. I felt the tip of his penis push between my legs before he gently thrust himself inside of me. A bigger, more intense groan escaped my lips as he glided his full length into me and then out again. He hung onto my hips as he moved, bringing me closer to orgasm with each thrust. The combination of the warm water trickling over my back and between my legs and Matt's expert way with my body made my orgasm come quickly. His grip on me tightened as he quickened his pace and found his release. He pulled out of me and turned me around to face him. His breathing was still ragged when he took my face in his hands.

"I love you so much, Maddy. You have always been my everything and you always will be." He pulled me into another deep, wet kiss before shutting off the shower and helping me out. He lovingly dried me off and wrapped a towel around me before wrapping one around his waist and guiding me back out into the bedroom.

I rifled through my dresser looking for a pair of underwear and Matt's Blackhawks shirt. It was comfortable and adequately covered my growing belly.

"Babe, have you seen your Blackhawks t-shirt? I wanna sleep in it."

"You know, seeing you in that t-shirt does things to me," he said as he pulled on a pair of black boxer briefs.

"Oh please...you'll be harmless now for at least 12 hours."

"I can't argue with that, baby. I think I put it on the top shelf on my side of the closet." I pulled on a pair of underwear as I walked into our closet. When Matt had first moved in, he had enlarged the original small closet into a larger, walk-in one, each with our own side. I stood on my tiptoes to sift through the pile of t-shirts Matt had folded on the top shelf, until I found the familiar red and yellow of the Blackhawks popped out at me. I dropped the towel and pulled the t-shirt out, taking a bunch of the others down with it. I pulled the t-shirt over me, then began to clean up the mess I had made. The-shirts had fallen on the basket of files that Matt had moved out of the nursery earlier. As I picked up the last t-shirt that had fallen, I noticed a large manila envelope poking out among the green hanging files in the basket. The letters "GD" had been written across it in black magic marker. I hadn't seen this one before and my curiosity got the better of me. I sat down on the closet floor and emptied the contents of it out in front of me. A bunch of what looked like legal papers fell out. I picked up the one on the top of the pile and began to read.

 **DIVORCE AGREEMENT**

Date Filed: October 3, 2015

 **Plaintiff** : Matthew Casey **Defendant:** Gabriella Dawson

104 Richmond Street 104 Richmond Street

Chicago, IL 60601 Chicago, IL 60601

 **Date of Marriage:** June 1, 2014

 **Reason for Dissolution:** Irreconcilable Differences

Abandonment

 **Details:** _The Plaintiff, Matthew Casey, claims that the Defendant, Gabriela Dawson, abandoned their marriage months before they separated. She often made significant decisions about their lives without consulting him or considering his feelings. Case in point, the Defendant adopted a child through the Chicago Department of Family Services without the Plaintiff's input on the situation. She often went on her own "crusades", trying to help a homeless teen, leading to her continued absence at home, leaving the Plaintiff out of all decision making. This happened frequently throughout their 16 month union, widening the distance between them, citing irreconcilable differences. Ms. Dawson then made the decision to go to Puerto Rico as part of a recovery team created by the City of Chicago Fire Commissioner. She did this without the Plaintiff's knowledge._

I stared down at the paper in total disbelief. I felt the air around me start to close in. My hands shook as I looked further into the stack of papers. I leafed through several different bills and leases, one for an apartment in downtown Chicago, signed by Matt, Dawson and Kelly. The further I dug, the more sick I became. My head was spinning when I came across a bill from Lakeshore Hospital dated for February 2014. It had Dawson's name on it. I scanned it quickly until my eyes stopped on the words "ECTOPIC PREGNANCY". A feeling of dizziness washed over me, making me violently nauseous. I grabbed the towel I had dropped on the closet floor and vomited into it. I sat there shaking and crying, unable to move, when Matt's bare feet appeared in the closet doorway.

"You OK, baby?" His eyes widened when he saw the contents of the folder spread out in front of me. "Maddy…Jesus, I..." he said, dropping to his knees.

"Don't." It was all I could manage to say. I struggled to get up from the closet floor, the offending papers still in my hands. Matt got up from his knees to help me. "Don't touch me, Matt."

"Maddy, please...let me explain…"

"Explain what? That you're not only a liar, but a hypocrite too?!" He stood there in front of me, silent, staring directly into my eyes. "For all your posturing, all the drama you put me through, accusing me of lying and keeping secrets from you about Jackson...things I couldn't fully remember until a few months ago...and to think you walked out on me for it when you were harboring your own dirty little secrets. How could you, Matthew?!" I screamed through tears.

"Maddy, it was a mistake. A stupid mistake. That's all. I tried to pretend like it never happened."

"That's all? My God, Matthew...Dawson? Really? How could you? Now all the jabs she's made at my expense are beginning to make sense. You told me you slept with her once after Hallie died and that it ended there. It seems you left out a few details, Matthew. The truth is that she had everything I ever wanted with you before I was even back in your life. I feel like I'm gonna be sick."

"I wanted to tell you, honestly I did, but the time never seemed right. As you and I rekindled our relationship, it hardly seemed relevant to us."

"It's all relevant, Matthew...especially since you walked out on me for almost the same reasons. Jesus, I can't believe you've been lying to me all this time and making me look like a fool in front of none other than Gabby Dawson. You're the one man that I thought would never hurt me, yet here we are again."

"I'm sorry, Maddy...it's just that you hated her so much from the very beginning. I thought it would make things worse if I told you," he said, his eyes and face were wet with tears.

"And you think finding out this way makes it better for me? Christ, Matthew...you don't know me better than that by now?!"

"Baby, I am so sorry. I put the whole thing out of my mind. Please, God...don't..don't leave me, Maddy. Please…"

"Oh, I'm not going anywhere...you're the one leaving. You're good at that, remember? This is my goddamn house and I want you out of it! Pack your things, you son of a bitch and get out!" I was choking on sobs as I screamed at him. He stood, staring blankly at me, with tears streaming down his face, but I didn't care about how he was feeling right now.

"Maddy, don't do this...please. Think of our baby. We need to be together. I love you...please, baby…I don't know where to go without you."

"I'm sure Dawson would gladly take you in...even though I'm your everything," I hissed. "I don't care where you go, just get out of my sight." I watched through tears as he pulled on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and reluctantly shoved a few things into an overnight bag.

"I love you, Maddy...you and our baby... are my life," he said, pausing in the doorway of the bedroom. I refused to look at him, but heard his footsteps on the stairs as he made his was down. I listened as he grabbed his keys from the dish on the table in the foyer, opened the front door and closed it behind him. I heard the sound of his truck start and within a few minutes, he was gone. I had no idea where he was going and I didn't much care. The hurt and betrayal I felt far surpassed my love for him right now and I had no way of knowing if that would ever go away. I caressed my tummy, feeling the gentle movement of my baby underneath my hands.

"I'm sorry you had to hear that, my little angel...but don't worry, you and I...we'll be alright no matter what happens." I turned out the bedroom light and buried myself beneath the covers of the bed, not knowing what my or my baby's future had in store. The scent of Matthew suddenly filled my head, making me burst out in another round of sobs. I may have talked a tough game in front of him just now, but the truth was that I was totally terrified of what might happen.


	20. Chapter 20

CHAPTER 20

"What the fuck is wrong with you, man? Why didn't you tell her?" Kelly asked.

"I don't know. Everything happened so fast and she made it clear from almost day one that she didn't like Dawson. I couldn't bring myself to tell her."

"Jesus, Casey...I thought you were smarter than that. She didn't like Dawson from the beginning because Dawson made it impossible for her! She went for Maddy's throat when you first started seeing her! It didn't occur to you then that maybe you should tell Maddy the truth?"

"I told her that Dawson and I had dated for a little while after Hallie died..that she helped me through a difficult time," said Matt.

"And that's it?!"

"I thought that would be enough. Jesus, I don't know what I was thinking."

"No, man...you didn't and you may have fucked up the best thing that's ever happened to you."

"What am I supposed to do now, Severide?! I can't change the fact that Dawson and I were married. How do I make this right? I can't lose Maddy...not now...not again."

Severide rubbed his face with his hands, trying to take all of this in. He and Matt had been friends for a long time and had gotten each other through some difficult times, but he was at a complete loss of how to help him with this one.

"To be honest, I don't know if you can make this right, but Maddy is a level headed woman...and she loves you...maybe once the shock wears off and she cools down...I guess time will tell."

"Time? I don't have a lot of time. The baby is due in six weeks. I need to be home."

"Do you want me to talk to her?" Kelly asked, against his better judgment.

"Jesus, no! She'd see it as an intervention and pregnant or not, you'd walk away from her limping." Kelly heaved a huge sigh of relief. He really didn't want to get involved in that way. Casey had to figure this one out for himself.

"I think the best thing is for _you_ to talk to her," said Kelly.

"I know, I know...I just don't know how to go about it. I don't want to ambush her and I don't want to come off as smug. Jesus, she's my wife. I should know how to talk to my own wife! I've known her since we were sixteen, for God's sake!"

"I don't know, man...you're gonna have to figure it out."

"Hey, do me a favor and don't say anything to Morrison about this. I don't need her anvil to come crashing down on my head, too."

"Not a word, I promise...but don't you think Maddy will say something to her?"

"Jesus, I hadn't thought of that. Hopefully, she'll keep this thing close to the vest. It's between me and her."

"Here's hoping…" said Kelly.

"Thanks for letting me crash here for a couple of days."

"No problem. What are brothers for anyway?" Kelly slapped Matt on the back and handed him a beer.

"I wish I could make Maddy understand that I didn't love Dawson like I love her. I've loved Maddy since high school. Then shit went down between my parents and I was shipped out to California to live with Christie until I was twenty-one. By the time I came back to Chicago, she had graduated college and moved out of state. Her mother refused to tell me where she was, saying my family was nothing but bad news. We lost touch, but I never stopped loving her. Never. Even when Hallie came into my life. I loved Hallie, but not like I loved Maddy. It sounds absolutely insane because we were just kids, but any woman I was ever involved with could never live up to her, you know?" Matt absentmindedly peeled the label from his beer bottle as he spoke, never looking up.

"I know, man. I get it," said Kelly.

"Dawson was another thing. Christ, she practically threw herself at me from day one, even though she knew Hallie and I were together. After Hallie died, she shifted it into high gear. I went into a tailspin and she was there for me then, Severide. She saved me from myself."

"I remember. You were a mess back then," said Kelly.

"I guess I felt that I owed her something for helping me through all of that...and then when she told me she was pregnant, I thought it was the right thing to do."

"Marrying someone you don't love is never the right thing to do, Casey," said Kelly.

"Yeah, I guess the fact that we divorced after a little over a year of marriage proves that. We were all wrong for each other anyway. It never really felt right, if you know what I mean, because somewhere in the back of my head, I knew I was meant to be with someone else."

"But at that point, you had no idea if you'd ever see Maddy again" said Kelly.

"It was a risk I was willing to take, I guess. I loved her that much. I did see her once, though...when her Mother died. Hallie went with me to the wake. She has just gotten married to Stephen Gage a few months earlier. She was living in Westchester, but had come back to Chicago for the funeral. The minute I laid my eyes on her, all I wanted to do was grab her, kiss her, throw her over my shoulder and run away with her. You never really lose that kind of love, no matter how hard you try to move on. She's everything to me, Kelly…"

"These are the kinds of things you need to say to her, buddy...not me," said Kelly. Matt rubbed his eyes and slowly shook his head. These were things he knew he had to do, but didn't know how to go about it. He had never seen Maddy so angry before. He knew she had every right to be angry. It was his own fault for not telling her about things sooner. All he could do now was to wait a few days and try to talk to her again. He finished his beer, picked up his overnight bag and headed for Kelly's spare bedroom.

"Gonna call it a night. Thanks again, Kelly," said Matt.

"Any time, Matt," said Kelly. He watched as his friend and brother in arms closed the door to the spare bedroom behind him, shaking his head in disbelief. Matt and Maddy were the perfect couple in his eyes. They were destined to be together, but yet here they were, separated for the second time in just a few months. He had been burned so many times that he was afraid of committing to any woman, He loved Em, but if two people like Maddy and Matt couldn't make things work, he knew he and Emily couldn't either. He downed the last of his beer, leaving the empty bottle on the coffee table. He shuffled off to his bedroom, turning to look at the closed door to the spare room.

"God's speed, brother," he said, then slowly closed his bedroom door.


	21. Chapter 21

CHAPTER 21

"There's your baby, Madeleine. He...or she is growing perfectly, the measurements for 34 weeks are right on target. How are you feeling?"

"Fat...puffy...like a big ball of blubber. Other than that, I feel great. A little tired, maybe," I replied. I had started seeing Dr. McAdams every two weeks for the past month, but would be ramping it up to weekly soon. I was trying not to dwell on the fact that Matt wasn't at this appointment. It was the first one he had missed. I stared at the little squirming figure on the ultrasound screen, amazed at the sight of the baby inside me and wishing my husband was here to see it, in spite of the fact that I was still furious with him.

"That's perfectly normal, especially at this stage of the pregnancy. But all your labs are normal and you've kept your weight gain in check this last month, which is important. The only thing I'd like to keep an eye on is this...see that ridge on the lower left side of your uterus? That's your placenta. It's a little bit lower than it should be at this point. It's actually partially covering the the cervix, which concerns me a little. Hopefully, as the baby's head turns down, the placenta will move up." She sounded harshly clinical and it scared me.

"And what if it doesn't move up?" I asked.

"Then we may have a problem when it comes time to deliver. It's called placenta praevia and we'd most likely have to do a C-section. But let's not worry about that just yet. It's not completely covering the cervix and we still have time," she said, sounding a little more reassuring white wiping the clear jelly goop off of my belly. She helped me up to a sitting position.

"Great...one more thing to worry about," I mumbled.

"Are you sure you're okay, Madeleine? I sense there's something else worrying you." I kept my head down as I pulled my shirt back over my stomach. "No, I'm fine...really. Just tired and a little anxious to get things done before the baby comes."

"I'm going to have to take you out of work and put you on bedrest," she said.

"What? No, you can't! I still have a lot of work to finish before my maternity leave starts!" The last thing I needed was to be out of work, sitting home alone, thinking and waiting and worrying.

"I know it's bad timing, Madeleine, but it's absolutely necessary. You're only 34 weeks along and we can't risk this baby coming early. As it is, we may have to start giving you corticosteroid injections to help speed up the development of the baby's lungs as a precaution. Until your next appointment, I want you on bedrest. No intercourse, either...not until I see how things are going next week. I hope your husband understands." I felt a few tears prick at my eyes as I said, "Oh, that won't be a problem. Matt's main concern right now is the welfare of the baby." She nodded as she tapped at the keyboard on the portable laptop that contained the database for all of her patients. "Good. He'll need to help you as much as he can over the next six weeks," she said, not realizing that I was now crying softly. I quickly wiped my eyes and cheeks before she looked up from the computer screen.

"You're all set, Madeleine. I'll see you next week...and remember, nothing strenuous," she said as she left the exam room. I got dressed, paid the receptionist and scheduled my next appointment. I had left work a little early for my doctor's appointment, so I decided to head to the Whole Foods Market on Kingsbury Street in Lincoln Park. It was a slightly out of my way but I needed to clear my head a little before going home. As much as I was still angry as hell at Matthew, I hated being in an empty house. Besides, I was craving one of their berry smoothies and a beef empanada. I also had a taste for a fresh nectarine. Boy or girl, this baby definitely has an eclectic palate.

As I drove towards the neighborhood I grew up in, I reveled in the late summer evening. The sky was beginning to turn into a gorgeous shade of purple, orange and pink with a few streaks of thin clouds scattered throughout. The air still had the day's warmth in it, but as soon as the sun set, it would get a little chill. I watched several kids playing in the puddles of an open fire hydrant. There weren't many of them around anymore with all of the new building codes requiring larger sprinkler systems, but the older neighborhoods of the city still had them on almost every street corner. Watching them reminded me of when I was a kid, doing the same thing on a hot summer night. It was such a simpler time.

I pulled into the Whole Foods parking lot, parked and grabbed one of the grocery carts at the entrance. I headed straight for the produce section and began pinching nectarines and peaches, picking out a bunch of bananas that were still green and a couple of pints of fresh blueberries. Matt loved my homemade blueberry coffee cakes. Matt...

As thoughts of my husband invaded my head, I heard a familiar voice call my name from somewhere behind me.

"Hey, baby girl...what are you doing in this neck of the woods?"

"Hey, Daddy...oh, I guess I was feeling nostalgic for the old neighborhood...and the baby was hungry for a berry smoothie and a beef empanada."

"How's my grand baby doing in there?" Dad put his hand on my stomach as he gave me a hug.

"Except for the weird cravings, he or she is doing just fine. Dr. McAdams told me everything is on schedule. I just came from her office." I didn't want to worry him by telling him about the placenta thing. It was better this way.

"Good to hear, baby girl. And how's my son-in-law?" Insert a pregnant pause here.

"Matt's fine too, Daddy. Working a lot, as usual," I stammered.

"Is he going to take some time off when the baby is born? You're gonna need an extra set of hands around."

"Oh, I'm sure he plans to come...be home with me...for a while...you know, after the baby comes." I could feel a lump forming in my throat. How could I tell my father that I kicked Matthew out of the house? That he was once married to that wretched cow, Dawson and never told me and that I was angry as hell at him? The thought of it was too much to bear.

"How much longer?"

"Six more weeks," I said, trying to muster my best "everything's alright" smile.

"I can't wait to meet this little one," he said, placing his hand back on my stomach and grinning from ear to ear.

"Me too, Daddy."

"I'll let you get back to your shopping, baby girl. You sure you don't want to come home and have me cook you something? I make a mean skillet lasagna."

"Thanks, Daddy...but I think I'll stick to my plan of a smoothie and an empanada. The baby is sort of in charge these days."

"OK, honey. I understand. We'll talk soon," he said before kissing me again and disappearing down the aisle towards the check-out. I meandered around the rest of the store, picking up the things I needed, plus the smoothie and he all important empanada. I loaded the bags in the trunk of my car, taking my dinner with me into the front seat. Between bites of the spicy empanada, I sipped on the deliciousness of the blended berries and vanilla yogurt, as I drove back towards the city. The combinations of savory and sweet hit the spot. Even the baby seemed satiated, barely kicking by the time I had finished everything.

As I turned the corner onto our street, I could see Matt's truck parked in front of the house. I wasn't prepared to see him now. I was a mess, having cried on and off for the past two hours, stuffing my face with spicy ethnic food and feeling bloated as a result. Plus, my feet and ankles were puffed up over the straps of my sandals. I looked like a Rose Bowl Parade float.

I pulled into the driveway, popped the trunk and started to lift the bags out of the car when Matt came out the back door of the house. I turned around to see him coming down the back steps towards me.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey," I replied.

"I just came to pick up some clothes and a couple of tools I needed. Got a job building a deck over on Kendall," he said.

"It's a little late in the summer to be building a deck, isn't it?." I didn't know what else to say.

"Yeah, but the guy's planning a big Labor Day weekend party. Here...let me get those for you."

"Thanks. Are you gonna be able to finish it on time? I mean, it's kinda short notice." I followed him into the house as he carried the groceries in through the kitchen. He set the bags on the counter and immediately started to put things away.

"It's a rush job for sure, but I'm on it. What… are you on a fruit kick?" He put the blueberries in the fridge and the bananas and nectarines in the fruit bowl on the kitchen table.

"Had a craving, I guess." His mouth curled into a smile and the dimple on his left cheek appeared. I could feel my heart melting. " _Tell him, Maddy...for God's sake...tell him!"_

"How'd everything go at the doctor's today?" I felt a lump form in my throat again and I couldn't say anything. I stood at the kitchen counter, quietly putting things in one of the cupboards with my back towards him. "Fine. Everything is fine." My voice croaked as I lied to him and a few tears spilled over on to my cheeks. I could feel Matt walk up behind me, the heat from his body radiated against mine.

"I wasn't sure that you'd want me there this time…" he said, in a low voice.

"Don't be silly, Matthew...this is your baby too," I said. I jumped as he slid his hands around my waist and slowly turned me around until I was facing him. His blue green eyes were rimmed in red. His lips were wet and partially opened. He never uttered a word as he leaned in close to my face and put his mouth on mine. His kiss was soft and light. His arms now encircled me, pulling me in closer to him. His kiss intensified with each second, his tongue gently pushing between my lips. I grabbed his shoulders, feeling my resolve weaken as his lips commanded control of mine.

"Jesus, Maddy...I need you…please, let me come home…" He rested his forehead on mine and whispered into my mouth. Visions of him kissing Dawson suddenly popped into my head out of nowhere and I abruptly pulled away from him.

"I think you'd better go now," I said, wiping at my mouth and the stream of tears that were falling. He rubbed his hand over his face as he looked down at the floor. He said nothing, only nodded that he understood what I had said. He turned and headed out the back door. My head was spinning with a hundred things I wanted to say to him.

"Matthew!" I heard myself yelling out his name. He stopped dead in his tracks and spun around to look at me. "Thanks for the help," was all I could manage to say. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't shake the images of him and Dawson out of my head. The thought of him touching her the way he touched me made me physically sick. Before I knew it, I was retching into the kitchen sink.

"Damn you, Matthew!"

My emotions were spilling out as fast as the tears from my eyes. Why couldn't he have told me when we were dating about him and Dawson? She had been rubbing it in my face all along and I never knew it. I had kept a secret too, but at the very least, there was no one there to keep reminding Matthew about it. Jace was dead and our daughter would never be in mine and Matt's life. Gabby Dawson was still very much a part of Matt's. He sees her every day at work. She's unavoidable and I didn't know if I would ever get past that. Maybe these separate secrets would be the end of us. Maybe too much had happened to us in all the years we were apart for us to make a life together. Things sound good when you're a lovestruck teenager, but more times than not, those same things didn't always translate well into adulthood. Or maybe I was just being far too emotional about this. My hormones had had their party hats on for months and it was possible that they were clouding my judgment.

Right now, all I was certain of were four things...one was that I loved my husband. That was never in question. Second, I wanted him with me and the baby. That was never in question either. Third, I knew I needed to be strong enough to move on from Matt's past with Dawson. And last was that I needed to call Em to fill her in and prepare her to take over my duties at work a little earlier than either of us had planned. I spoke out loud as I dialed Em's cell.

"One down, three to go…"


	22. Chapter 22

CHAPTER 22

Another week had gone by and another appointment without Matt. Except this time, it was my fault because I had forgotten to tell him that Dr. McAdams had moved me up to being seen every week. I had told him not to call my cell phone instead of my office as I would be getting Em set up there to take over for me when I went out on maternity. At the same time, I was trying to keep Em from finding out that Matt and I weren't together. She'd have my head and Matt's testicles served on the same silver platter if she knew.

This game of cat and mouse was getting difficult to keep straight and it was taking an emotional toll on me. It wasn't helping me physically either. The placenta hadn't moved the way Dr. McAdams had hoped it would, so she started me on a series of steroid shots just in case the baby came early.

I needed Matt now more than ever, but my pride was still too hurt. We had talked on the phone a couple of times in the last week, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him about the placenta praevia thing. I didn't want him to worry and I definitely didn't want him to use it as an excuse to force me into letting him come back home. I wasn't ready for that. I had to feel this way until I didn't anymore It was that simple...and that complicated. Matt had punished me for my past, a past I couldn't completely remember, and now I was punishing him for his. The only difference being that he remembered his history with Dawson and all of its sordid little details. He just failed to tell me about it. I guess when you break down the minutiae of it, I am no less guilty than he is. All things considered, it was pretty stupid.

I had done my best to try to rest as much as possible over the past couple of weeks, but complete bed rest was next to impossible. There was still food to be bought and cooked, laundry to wash and all the other daily tasks that no one thinks about. I wasn't sure I could do this for another month, but I had to for the baby's sake and mine. With the exception of feeling puffy and slightly off balance, I was feeling pretty good. Dr. McAdams told me that I probably wouldn't experience any pain, but I needed to be on guard and watch for anything unusual, like suddenly feeling pressure in my pelvis, fluid leakage or the appearance of any vaginal blood. The more symptoms she ticked off, the more I wanted to run to Matthew and tell him to come home.

"What the hell are you doing, Mads?!" Em had unexpectedly popped in through the kitchen door, just in time to see me standing on a step stool and reaching into the cabinet above the stove, trying to retrieve the blender.

"I want a chocolate banana smoothie and this little gadget here helps with that."

"Where the hell is Casey? He's supposed to be waiting on you hand and foot!"

"Working," I said, thinking as quickly as I could.

"Kelly's not working and they're on the same shift, Mads," she replied.

"It's an extra shift."

"Funny. Kelly never said anything." As I stepped off the stool, Em stepped on it and got the blender down for me.

"Thanks, but since when has Kelly ever kept you apprised of Matt's schedule?"

"Apprised? Never, I guess."

"Then stop. Why are you here, by the way? If Kelly is off, I'd think you'd be with him."

"He's got some poker thing with a few of his buddies over in Elgin. He won't be back until tomorrow, so I thought I'd hang out with you. It's okay, isn't it?"

"Of course, but it would be even more okay if you made the smoothie for me. My back feels a little tight and achy."

"Sure, go sit. I've got this." As much as she was a pain in the ass sometimes, Emily Morrison was still the best friend I'd ever had. She always has my back, as achy as it was. I waddled into the living room and sat down on the couch, rubbing my back the entire way. I felt a slight twinge on my right side, probably the result of reaching too far up. I massaged that area too. Thinking I could have used an extra set of hands at the moment, I was really beginning to miss Matt. I felt my eyes begin to well up.

"Here ya go, babes. Are you hungry? I could order a pizza if you are," said Em, setting the tall glass of pureed banana, cocoa powder, yogurt, milk, honey and ice down on the table in front of me.

"This is enough for me, Em, but if you want a pizza, go ahead and order one. Or there's plenty of stuff in the refrigerator you can grab, if you want."

"Are you okay, Madster? My gut tells me there's something you're not telling me."

"Then your gut is out of whack, Emily. I'm fine."

"How many more weeks now until the little proby makes its debut?"

"About four...as long as he or she doesn't decide to come earlier. That's the reason I've gotten so fat. I've been sitting my ever-expanding ass for the last couple of weeks, not being allowed to do much of anything."

"Better safe...and fat, than sorry, so do what the doctor tells you."

"Yes, ma'am." I saluted her.

"Jesus, Casey must be peeing himself over the arrival of this baby. You two were born to be parents. It's like to two of you fell out of 'Leave It To Beaver', for God's sake."

" Leave It To Beaver? Really, Em? Why...cuz I cook dinner wearing a string of pearls and Matt comes to the dinner table in a suit and tie? Or is it because you're our equivalent of Eddie Haskell?"

"Funny. No, I just meant that you and Casey are so damn perfect for each other. It's almost sickening."

"Yeah, we're perfect alright." Nothing could be farther from the truth right now. I let out an unexpected groan as another twinge pulled at my right side.

"You okay, Mads? Just say the word and I'll call Casey for you.'

"NO!" I shouted a little louder than I should have. "No, no I'm okay. I think getting up on that stool was a little too much for my shifted center of gravity. It'll pass."

"A nice hot bath might help."

"Dr. McAdams said no more baths. It's too risky with the placenta where it is. I think I'll take a long hot shower and try to work this kink out before I hit the hay," I said, rubbing at the knot that had formed in my side.

"You mind if I stay here tonight? My place is being repainted and I hate staying in Kelly's apartment when he's not there."

"If you don't mind the sofa. Your old room has been converted to a nursery, remember?" Em nodded as she gathered up the smoothie glass and the remnants of whatever she had found for dinner.

"I'm going up to take my shower. The spare blankets and pillows are in the linen closet in the hall."

"OK, babes," she said, cleaning up the dishes off the coffee table.

The twelve stairs up to the second floor seemed like one hundred as I made each step upward towards the master bath. As I turned the water on in the shower, I realized that both my body, the baby and my mind were getting closer to forgiving and forgetting the whole Dawson debacle. Matthew was mine. There was no argument about that. He had been mine for close to twenty years, with a few detours here and there. My stupid female pride was keeping my husband from me and my husband from his baby. In my head, it had all seemed logical but looking at it all now two weeks later, is was anything but logical. It was a knee jerk reaction on my part that had more to do with my hatred of Dawson than it did with Matt keeping a secret from me.

As I crawled between the crumpled sheets and blankets of my bed, I made the decision to call Matthew in the morning to tell him to come home. All I could concentrate on now was getting a good night's sleep and hoping the twinge in my side would subside by tomorrow. I wanted to see Matt with a fresh face. Trying to find the most comfortable position I could, I rolled over, pulling Matt's pillows in close to me. They still had the remnants of his scent on them and I needed to feel like he was here with me in order to fall asleep. If I hadn't been so stubborn, he would have been here with me now. As I drifted off to sleep, I took comfort that he would be home tomorrow.


	23. Chapter 23

CHAPTER 23

I awoke a few hours later, feeling stiff but like I had slept hard. The room was dark and the air felt heavy, almost to the point of choking me. In my haste to lay down, I had forgotten to turn on the ceiling fan before getting into bed. As I rolled over to get out of bed to turn it on, I saw the clock on the bedside table said 2:15 AM. I had slept for almost six uninterrupted hours, which was a first in several months. I took a minute to stretch before getting out of bed. I ran my hands over my belly, just in time to feel the little person inside me do the same thing.

"It's too early to get up, Baby Casey. Mama's gotta pee and turn on the fan, but then I'm getting right back in to bed, so no gymnastics for a few more hours," I said, gently stroking my tummy. I sat up and threw the covers off of me, swinging my legs over the side of the bed. As I pushed myself up, I felt a warm dampness underneath me. I turned around to glance down at the mattress and caught the sight of a smear of blood on the sheet. I felt my panic rise immediately as I pulled the bed clothing down to see a large puddle of blood in the middle of the bed. I felt my knees begin to buckle and I grabbed for my phone as I sat back down. My hands were shaking so badly that I couldn't get it to work. I pushed the Home button and managed to ask Siri to call 9-1-1.

"9-1-1 operator...what's your emergency?" The voice crackled at the other end. I suddenly felt light headed and couldn't muster an answer. I put my head as far down as I could, but the room began to spin. I tried calling out to Em, but it was no use. My voice was too weak. I could feel beads of sweat forming on my forehead and down the back of my neck. I leaned forward and lowered myself onto the accent rug next to the bed. I was afraid I was going to fall if I attempted to get up. My phone had slipped out of my hand and onto the rug next to me. I pushed the Home button and asked it to call Em, praying she had left her phone on.

"Hey, Mads...what's up? You OK?" I heard her sleepy voice on the other end.

"I need you, Em...come up here," I said. Within a minute, she was at the door to the bedroom. "Maddy?" I heard her say before she opened the door. "Oh, sweet Jesus! Maddy!" She kneeled down beside me, taking my phone in her hand.

"Yeah, I need an ambulance at 2502 Lexington. My friend Maddy is pregnant and she's bleeding...oh Christ, about 36 weeks, I think...yeah, she's conscious, but barely...she has that thing where the placenta covers the thing...you know, where the baby comes out," she said in a panicked voice. "Yeah, ok...I'll ask her...are you in any pain, Mads? No...she's shaking her head no...OK, I'll stay on the line…"

"Matthew...I need Matthew…" I said, feebly.

"Shit...can someone call her husband? His name is Matt Casey. He's a Chicago firefighter at House 51...Captain Matt Casey...yeah, please tell him...he's on duty tonight…Oh Christ...it's gonna be okay, Mads...I promise...you'll be okay...where is that damn ambulance?! Why do they take so fucking long?! Two minutes out? OK...I'll let them in. Mads, I'm going down to let the paramedics in but I'll be right back, OK?" I nodded as she made her way down the stairs and waited for the ambulance. I was in no pain, but was too weak to move. WIthin a few minutes, I heard the sound of my front door opening and the unmistakable noise of equipment being hauled up the stairs.

Despite drifting in and out, I could hear the Em and paramedics talking as they worked on me.

"Hey...what's her name?"

"It's Madeleine Casey."

"Jesus...is this Captain Casey's wife?"

"Yeah, I'm trying to get a hold of him now….what do you mean he's not on duty? He's picking up an extra shift...it's his wife...she told me he was...can you locate him? Jesus...this is fucking ridiculous..."

"Tell him we're taking her to Lakeshore. Are you coming with her?"

"Yeah...yeah, of course.."

They carefully lifted me onto the gurney and strapped me in before heading down to load me in the ambulance. Em followed closely behind.

"Call him…" I said, as they pushed the gurney into the back of the ambulance. The oxygen mask made it even more difficult to speak.

"Call who?"

"Matthew…"

"I'm trying, Mads…"

"No...you...call...his cell…now…"

"Oh, shit...why didn't I think of that? I'm sorry, Mads. My head isn't on straight…"

I drifted in and out for the next few minutes, vaguely remembering Em leaving a frenzied message on Matt's voicemail. " _Please God...let him get the message before it's too late…"_ was the last thought I had before I passed out.

I woke sometime later to the sound of Dr. McAdam's voice.

"Madeleine...it's Dr. McAdams. Can you hear me?" I nodded that I could. "The placenta has dropped into your cervix, which is why you are bleeding. Because you've lost a lot of blood, the baby is in distress. We are going to have to do an emergency Cesarean, Madeleine. We need to get you and the baby stabilized as soon as possible. Do you understand?"

"Is Matt here yet?" I asked through the O2 mask.

"No, not yet...but we can't wait, Madeleine. We have to go to the OR as soon as one is ready."

"Not without Matthew…I can't...he won't…"

"He will understand, Madeleine...it's his baby and wife's lives we're talking about."

"NO...I NEED MATTHEW!" I shouted. The monitors that I was hooked up to started to blink and beep furiously.

"Has anyone located her husband yet?!" I heard Dr. McAdams shout. No one answered. "We can't wait. We need to prep her for the OR now. Her BP is dropping from the blood loss and her O2 sats are in the tank. Let's go…"

"Matthew...Matthew…" I said weakly, as they moved me from one gurney to another and wheeled me out the door towards the elevators. Tears rolled down the sides of my face and onto the dull, greying sheet underneath me. I needed Matthew here. I wanted to see his face, look into his beautiful blue green eyes one more time.

"Maddy! Maddy, baby...I'm here...I'm here!" I heard the sound of his voice just as they pushed me inside the elevator to take me up to the OR. He pushed his way in, leaning over me and kissing me on the forehead.

"I'm sorry, Matt...this is my fault...I'm so stupid…" I said through my tears.

"No, baby...don't say that...I'm the stupid one…what's the hell is going on, Dr.?"

"We're taking Madeleine to the OR for an emergency C-section. As I expected, her placenta did not cooperate and she's lost a lot of blood. She didn't want to go until you got here. You'll need to scrub up once we get upstairs," said Dr. McAdams.

"Wait...what? What are you talking about?" asked Matt. His face looked care worn and confused. The doors to the elevator opened and Dr. McAdams didn't have time to explain.

"Follow us, Mr. Casey. My nurse, Carolyn, will show you where to change," was all she said.

Matt let go of my hand as the nurse whisked him away to get him ready.

"Matt…Matt…" I started to cry.

"He'll be back in a few minutes, Mrs. Casey. Don't cry…" said the orderly who was pushing me into the operating room. Once inside the OR, the coldness and bright lights of the room were overwhelming me. I couldn't stop the tears from coming even if I tried. Even though everyone was talking to me in a gentle hushed tone, it all scared me to the point that I was shaking uncontrollably.

"I want my husband!" I cried as I was moved from the ER gurney to the operating table.

"He's getting scrubbed up, Madeleine. He'll be here in a few minutes. Try to relax," said Dr. McAdams. Even she looked unfriendly and foreboding in her gown, cap and surgical mask. The OR nurses began to prep me for the Cesarean...sliding a cap over my head, setting up the tented drape across my body, hooking me up to monitors and IV's while I dozed on and off. I felt weak and tired, but wanted to be awake for the procedure. Dr. McAdams was agreeable to that, but only if my blood pressure stabilized.

"Maddy, baby...I'm right here now...you OK?" I heard Matt's voice from somewhere behind me.

"You can sit on this stool, Mr. Casey...right beside Madeleine," I heard another voice say.

"I'm OK...just scared," I said with tears rolling down onto the operating table.

"It'll be alright, baby...everything will be fine...I love you," he said, kissing me lightly on the lips.

"I love you too," I said.

"OK, Madeleine...your blood pressure is looking better, your other vitals are in line and the baby is doing better too, so you can stay awake for the Cesarean. Are you both ready?" asked the doctor.

"Ready as we'll ever be," said Matt. He pulled the stool up next to me as close as he could, wrapping his left arm up over my head and holding my right hand in his.

"OK, Madeleine...you may feel some tugging and pressure, but you should not feel any pain. So let me know if something hurts," said Dr. McAdams. "OK," I said, squeezing Matt's hand tightly.

"Matthew...please forgive me. I know I acted like a spoiled brat and I'm sorry I made you leave," I said through a flood of tears.

"Don't cry, Maddy...please...it was my fault. If I had told you, none of this would have happened. I'm the one that should be asking for forgiveness," he said, kissing the side of my face.

"Can we just forgive each other and be done with it, OK?" I said.

"OK, baby," he said, kissing me softly on the mouth.

"OK, Maddy...I'm making the incision now, so you'll feel a little pressure here…" said the doctor. I took a deep breath and held it in, trying to focus. The felt the sensation of hands pushing down on my abdomen as Dr. McAdams pulled the scalpel across my bikini line.

"There goes me ever wearing that thong bikini again I wore on our honeymoon," I giggled.

"Don't worry about that, baby...besides, I've never seen you look sexier than you do right now," he said.

"Yeah, right…" I said.

"OK, Madeleine...you're going to feel a lot of tugging and pulling as I take the baby out of the uterus. Just take some deep breaths, just like they taught you in Lamaze," said the doctor.

"This is it, Maddy...our baby is being born," said Matt. I could see him smiling widely with tears rolling down his face. Behind the drape, I could feel my lower half being manipulated, pulled and prodded. I tried to take a few deep breaths, but felt as though the wind was being knocked out of me with each movement they made.

"Here we go, Madeleine...the baby's out and…IT'S A BOY! Congratulations, Mom and Dad!" Dr. McAdams held him up so Matt and I could see him, the umbilical cord still attached to him.

"Oh my God...we have a son! He's beautiful, Maddy!"

"He looks so scrawny!" I said, the tears blurring my vision slightly. His little legs seemed thin and tiny, but his color was pink, the sign of a healthy baby.

"Would you like to do the honors, Daddy?" asked Dr. McAdams. She held up a pair of surgical scissors and pointed to the umbilical cord. Matt's hands shook slightly as he took the scissors and cut between the clamped areas.

"We're gonna get this little guy cleaned up, weigh him and run a few tests, then he's all yours," said the doctor.

Matt and I watched as they washed him off, wailing the entire time.

"There's definitely no problems with his lungs," said Matt.

"He weighs 5 lbs. 14 oz., ten fingers, ten toes and two bright blue eyes. He passed all of his tests, which is unusual for baby born a month early. He's looking good, Mom and Dad," said the nurse as she brought him back over to us. He was swaddled up in a blanket, his little pink face was scrunched up tight, as she laid him in Matt's arms.

"Welcome to the world, James Finnegan Casey. We've waited a long time to meet you," said Matt, placing a kiss on our son's forehead before handing him to me. "This is your beautiful and amazing Mom."

"Hello, baby Finn. See this guy right here? He's your Dad...and he's pretty amazing too," I said. I kissed the top of his head and cradled him close to me while tears spilled down my face. I looked up at Matt, who was also crying happy tears. I reached up and wiped his cheek with my thumb, holding his face in my hand.

"We did it, Matthew...we did it," I said. He pulled my hand away from his face and kissed the palm of it.

"We sure did, baby. I love you."

"I love you too."

And all was right within our little world.


	24. Chapter 24

CHAPTER 24

"I think he loves your breasts almost as much as I do," said Matt, watching our son as he nursed. His little hand clutched at the skin of my left breast as he voraciously sucked at my nipple, drawing out the milk he so desperately craved.

"I'd call it a draw," I said.

"He's the Master of them. There's no question about that."

"True, but it's temporary. You'll be Master again soon enough," I said. Matt tipped my chin upwards and placed a soft wet kiss on my lips. Surprisingly, the feel of his mouth on mine ignited my passion. Recovering from major surgery and being a new mother had taken its physical toll on me and the last thing on my mind was sex...that is until my husband's kiss sparked something familiar between my legs. It had been two months since the baby was born and we had settled in to a nice routine of nursing, napping, bathing, eating, cuddling and play time. Matthew had been a tremendous help over the last eight weeks, chipping in to do laundry, the cooking and cleaning, plus helping to take care of the baby. He was adept at burping him after feedings and changing diapers. Having a new baby in the house was definitely a team effort.

"Here...let me put him down," said Matt, taking Finn from my arms. James Finnegan Casey, named after my father and Matt's paternal grandfather. Two stalwart men with strong names that represented the best parts of us.

Finn had contentedly pulled off of my breast and promptly fell asleep as I gently rocked him in the big cushioned rocking chair my father had bought for the nursery. Matt kissed his forehead before laying him down on his back in the crib. His little arms splayed out above his head as he stretched in preparation for his longest period of sleep...five whole hours. After that, he would be awake every two hours to nurse. Matt would dutifully get out of bed, change his diaper and bring him to me to be fed. Then I would nurse him and Matt would rock him back to sleep until the next time his tank needed to be topped off. It was like a perfect little choreographed dance and both Matt and I thanked God for it.

"He's beautiful, isn't he?" I said, watching our little blue eyed angel with the wisps of blonde hair sleeping peacefully.

"He's perfect...just like you," said Matt. He kissed me again, this time a little slower and deeper than before. He took my hand in his and led me out of the nursery and into our bedroom. On the nightstand was a bottle of champagne and two glasses on a silver tray.

"Awwww, Matt…" I said, choking up.

"Happy Anniversary, baby. I know it's not dinner at The Drake, but..." he said. Our third wedding anniversary had crept up on us when we weren't looking. Being so busy as new parents, we sort of overlooked the occasion in favor of a more pressing issue...our baby son, Finn.

"It's perfect...just like you. Happy Anniversary, Lieutenant," I said.

Matt filled the two glasses with the pale bubbly liquid and handed me one.

"To us...two of the luckiest people in the world...now with an addition," said Matt, clinking his glass with mine and wearing a huge grin. We both sipped the champagne in our glasses, downing it quickly. Matt took my empty glass and set it down on the nightstand next to his.

"Have I told you lately how beautiful you are, Mrs. Casey?"

"Yes...but it's usually when my breasts are exposed," I said with a giggle. A devilish grin broke across his face and a wicked little twinkle appeared in his blue green eyes.

"Come here," he said in a low voice. He took my hand and pulled me to him, swiftly covering my mouth with his. His hands cupped either side of my neck, holding my head while he devoured my mouth. Each time his tongue swept my mouth, the dull throb between my legs became more intense. For the last couple of months, sex had been the furthest thing on my mind. Diapers, sore breasts and an ugly incision had seen to that...not to mention the countless sleepless nights since Finn had been born. But wrapped in the arms of my husband now, all of that seemed to melt away.

"Are you ready for this? Because if you aren't, tell me and I'll…" I put my finger to Matt's lips.

"I'm more than ready, so clam up, Lieutenant…" I said. I heard him snigger softly as I unbuckled his jeans and helped him pull his t-shirt over his head. I ran my hands across his chest, feeling the dark blonde hairs tickle my palms. I moved in closer, flicking my tongue lightly around his left nipple. I felt his body shudder underneath my hands as I moved my mouth from the left to the right.

"I'd say you're ready, too…" I said, my hands grazing the bulge in his pants. To my surprise, he blushed at my notice of his erection. Maybe becoming a father had made him a little more modest than he had been before. I guess we would both find out within the next few minutes. I slowly pushed him back towards the bed. He sat down and leaned back, letting me take command of things.

"Oh, come on Lieutenant...you're making this too easy," I said, straddling him.

"Oh, am I?" he said, suddenly grabbing my arms and turning me around until he was positioned on top of me.

"How's that for taking charge? And it's Captain, by the way."

Matt had been promoted to Captain in the weeks since Finn was born. He had always been an amazing firefighter and a strong leader, but his actions at a warehouse fire a few weeks back had separated the men from the boys at Firehouse 51. I was so proud of him and felt a little guilty that I had forgotten about his promotion.

"Right...right...I have baby brain. I'll blame it on that," I said, just before he covered my mouth with his. His hands found their way under my nightgown and moved up to my breasts, his fingers lightly stroking my sensitive nipples. I pulled my nightgown off over my head and flung it to the floor as Matt moved downward on my body. He hooked his fingers into the waist of my panties, caressing the scar left by the C-section. Instinctively, I grabbed at his hands.

"Don't...it's ugly," I said, still feeling self-conscious about it.

"Baby...it's not ugly...not even a little. This scar represents our son's birth and the fact that you're a goddamn warrior. It's a part of him and you...and it's beautiful," he said. He placed delicate kisses all along the edge of the incision, pulling my panties down over my hips and off of me as he moved. I held onto his head as his warm mouth landed between my legs. I arched my back as he connected with my throbbing little bud. He flicked his tongue in a circular motion all around me, then licked at me like a lion who hadn't eaten in several days. My body responded immediately, groaning softly as head moved and his tongue explored every inch of me.

He climbed upwards on my body, placing soft kisses as he moved. His tongue circled around the nipple on my right breast, making it stand erect. A drop of breast milk appeared on the tip of it, which Matt promptly licked off.

"Finn will be looking for that later," I giggled.

"God, I've missed your body," said Matt, as his mouth continued to explore my breasts and neck. As his mouth devoured mine, he slowly thrust himself into me. I let out a gasp at the sudden feel of him inside me after so many months.

"And I've missed yours," I said, as I raked my nails across his back. He arched his body upward as my fingertips grazed his skin, making the muscles in his upper arms flex. In my postpartum haze, I had forgotten just how beautiful my husband was...from his blue-green eyes and perfect lips, down to his toned arms and upper body to every inch of his masterful cock. I pulled my legs up, spreading myself wider to him as his movements quickened. Within minutes, my orgasm exploded all over him as he continued to thrust hard and deep, reaching his own climax just shortly after. The heaviness of his body on mine and the wet and warm sensation between my legs triggered a rush of emotions I hadn't expected. My love for Matthew suddenly seemed a thousand times bigger than it had before and I was lost in a flood of tears.

"You OK, baby? I didn't hurt…" he said, trying to catch his breath and sounding concerned. I nodded, unable to speak.

No, Matt...no, you didn't hurt me. It's just been...so long," I said, trying to stop crying long enough to speak clearly. He leaned down and placed a soft kiss on my forehead. "I know, baby...I know," he whispered.

We pulled the comforter and sheets down on the bed, then crawled in between them, cuddled up together. Matthew's arms felt strong and warm around me. I lightly stroked his chest hair as he cradled me in the crook of his arm. Whatever energy we had managed to reserve throughout the day was now effectively gone. The tiredness we both felt now was something neither of us could fight, even if we wanted to.

"Did you ever think we'd make it this far, Matt?" I asked, sleepily.

"This far?" he asked.

"You know...married with a baby. The odds were stacked against us for a long time," I said.

"Yeah, they were...but I think I knew all along that we'd be together eventually. It's that thought that kept me going for all those years we were apart," he said, kissing the top of my head.

"I never want to be apart from you again, Matt...for any reason," I said. A few soft tears escaped my eyes as I placed a few soft kisses on his chest.

"Hey...hey, no tears, baby. You and I will always be together. Nothing and no one will ever keep us apart again. Besides, I love you a million times more than I ever did before. You and Finn are mine, now and forever," he said, pulling my face up to his for a deep, wet kiss. I squeezed him tightly as I settled back down into his arms, comforted by the warmth and scent of his skin.

"I love you, Matthew...so much," I said. I could feel sleep quickly invading my body.

"I love you too, Maddy...now, let's get a few hours sleep before Finn wakes up again." I snuggled down close as Matt's arm held me tight against him. Before long, we were both fell into a contented sleep, confident in our love for each other and our baby son.


	25. Chapter 25

EPILOGUE

 _One Year Later_

"But I don't want to leave him," I said. I had said the same exact thing almost every morning for the past eight months since I returned to work. Leaving Finn was one of the most difficult things I had ever had to do and even though Matt would be watching him today, I still felt cheated that I was missing out.

"I know, baby..but we'll be fine. We always are," said Matt, kissing me on the forehead.

"Yeah, you take good care of him. I know that. I just miss him so much when I have to go to work," I said.

"So do I. It's what we parents do...now get," said Matt. I hated it when he was logical, especially when I wanted him to be completely on my side. I suppose I was lucky. I had only been working 3 or 4 days a week since I went back, which meant I got to be home with him on Matt's days off and Matt took over on the days I worked. Neither of us trusted run of the mill babysitters or daycare. Finn was over a year old and had only been in the care of Matt, me and Em, Kelly and occasionally my father. I had nursed him until just after his first birthday and he was now on whole milk and regular people food, so watching him was a lot easier now than when he was an infant. The days of pumping breast milk were finally behind me.

"Just one more kiss," I said, taking Finn from Matt's arms and hugging him tight. He giggled and squirmed as I covered his face with soft kisses.

"Mommy loves you, Finn. See you later," I said. I handed him back to Matt, then grabbed my coat from the hook in the foyer and my purse and keys from the table and started out the door.

"Hey! What about Daddy? Don't I get I kiss?"

"Of course you do, Daddy." Matt wrapped his arm around my shoulder, then leaned down to place a soft kiss on my lips. I lingered for a few seconds, reveling in the perfection of my husband's mouth.

"Now, scoot...there will be plenty of time for this when you get home," said Matt, patting me on the behind. I reluctantly grabbed my coat, purse, keys and shoulder bag and kissed the baby again before heading out the door. I backed out of the driveway watching Matt make Finn's little arm wave goodbye through the glass in the front door. I fought back a few tears as I made the drive into Lakeshore as I had done every morning since returning to the office. I hated being a working mother and I wasn't ashamed to admit it. I wanted to be home with Finn all day, every day. He changed so much in the months I had been back to work. I felt like I was missing something important in his development every hour that I was away from him. Even though I knew Matt was taking perfectly good care of him, it tore my heart out to leave him. The best days of my life were when Matt and I were both off and all three of us could spend the day together. My heart was never more full than on those rare few days each month.

"Good morning, Mrs. Casey! How's that baby of yours?" said the new receptionist at the front desk. I think her name was Laura, but I couldn't be totally sure. She had a pleasant smile with perfect white teeth and she drew her blonde hair back into a nondescript ponytail. She was a pretty girl and I never understood why someone like her didn't take more effort with her hair. Pulling it back with a scrunchy seemed sort of lazy to me.

"Getting bigger everyday!" I said as I waved and walked past her desk towards the bank of elevators behind it. As the elevator car made its way towards the third floor, I wondered how many other random questions about Finn I would have to field before I was inside the sanctity of my office. Everyone meant well. I knew that. What they didn't know was that all of their questions reminded me that I wasn't home with him. Even Em was guilty of it.

"Morning, Maddy. Can I get you some coffee?" Another new receptionist. I couldn't keep them straight.

"That would be nice, Mary. Just cream," I said as I unlocked the door to my office.

"There are a few phone messages for you," she said. I nodded in acknowledgement, hung up my coat and sat down at my desk. In about ten minutes or less, Em would be bursting into my office to catch me up on all the latest gossip in the hospital; the least of which I was interested in. All I cared about at this point was putting in my six hours, getting the essentials taken care of and heading straight back home to Matt and Finn. I rifled through the pile of phone message slips that Mary had collected and strategically placed in the center of my desk. Most of them were from other Department Heads and pertained to some bullshit that had more to do with them than me or my department. I threw the pile to the side and turned on my computer. I was sure there would be more of the same in my email. Mary came in with my coffee and set it down on my desk.

"Is there anything else I can get for you, Maddy?" she asked. "No thanks, Mary…this will do for now," I replied. I sipped from the big ceramic mug carefully as I searched through my emails, carefully deleting the ones that had nothing to do with me or my job. There must have been twenty of them alone about the fireboard being in manual mode. Who cares? I'm sure my fire captain husband would tear me a new one for saying that.

"Hey, Mads! How's my beautiful Godchild doing?" said Em, as she flew into my office out of nowhere.

"Good morning to you too, Em," I said. I never took my eyes off of my computer screen while I continued to sip my coffee.

"Sorry. Good morning, Mrs. Casey. Now...how's my Godchild?"

"He's just fine. Home with Daddy today while I'm here, toiling away for people who don't really care and missing so much of his childhood," I said.

"Ouch! Feeling a little more maternal today than normal?" said Em. I glared at her over the mug of coffee I held up to my lips.

"Not the least bit funny, Emily," I murmured.

"Fine. New subject. You and Casey got any plans for your anniversary next weekend? If you don't, Kelly and I would like to take you out to dinner," she said.

"Actually, we were hoping to have dinner at The Drake," I said. I braced myself for what was coming next.

"Great! Then Kelly and I can join you!" Again, another glare from over the top of my cup of coffee.

"Em...no offense meant, but Casey and I were hoping to have some alone time...just the two of us...if you don't mind. But thanks for the offer," I said. As much as we loved being parents, it definitely had changed our lifestyle. We found ourselves trying to fit in time just for ourselves and it wasn't always easy.

"OK...no harm, no foul," she said, throwing up her hands.

"Em...I'm sorry. You know we love you and Severide. It's just that…"

"I know, I know...parenthood," she said, sounding rather dejected.

"Yeah...something like that."

"Who's watching the little Finnster?"

"My Dad offered to sit with him. Why?"

"Can't Kelly and I pull a shift with him? We'd love to do it."

"I suppose, but Dad will be disappointed."

"We can do a tag team kind of thing. That way, it'll give your father a break."

"Sounds good to me," I said. She gave me the thumbs up and said she would see me at lunch before she whirled out of my office and back to her desk. I finished my coffee and I worked through the referrals that had come in from the night shift. The ER must have been hopping last night as there were eleven of them in my email. I printed out the forms and assigned them to my staff based on their areas of strength. Some were good with the elderly, while others were good with the homeless or children. Since giving birth to Finn, I could no longer deal with cases that had to do with abused or neglected children. I found myself crawling into a big ball and crying my eyes out every time I had to read one of those intakes. My objectivity went right out the window. As I was filing the necessary paperwork, my cell phone rang. It was Matt trying to FaceTime me.

"Hi, Mommy!" I heard Matt's voice as Finn's little face suddenly appeared on my phone screen, drool dampening his cute little chin as he blew saliva & milk bubbles at me.

"Hi, baby boy! Mommy misses you so much! Are you having fun with Daddy?

"Yep! And Daddy's having fun with me...aside from the very large poop I took after breakfast...but he's recovered from that," said Matt's voice. I couldn't help but laugh at the way Matt tried to make his voice sound like a baby's.

"Yeah, poopy diapers can get to even the best of us," I said. Suddenly, Matt's face appeared where Finn's had been.

"Can you believe the conversations we have now? Jesus, how things have changed over the last year!" said Matt, grinning from ear to ear.

"Tell me about it! Remember when we used to talk about what we were gonna do to each other when we got home...and where? Where did those days go?"

"Buried under poopy diapers, I guess...which is exactly why we need to go out for our anniversary. We need some adult time, baby!"

"We sure do, Captain. Looks like Em and Kelly will be helping Dad out with babysitting duties that night, too. We're covered!"

"That's great, baby. I can't wait to get all dressed up and have you all to myself for the night."

"Me neither. It's been a while."

"It has. I can't believe we've been married almost four years. Where did the time go?"

"I think it slipped away from us while we weren't looking. We've been a little preoccupied over the past year."

"And I wouldn't have it any other way."

"Me neither. See you later. Love you guys." I said, blowing kisses at two of my three favorite men.

"Love you too. Bye, Mommy!"

I reached for the pile of phone messages that Mary had intercepted from my line before I arrived at the office and began to sort them by importance. I made the necessary adjustments to my schedule for changed meeting times and a luncheon with the hospital administrator, divided up the follow-up calls for cases by the social workers that had been assigned to them and the rest were thrown into a pile I decided was "miscellaneous". Translation = I didn't have the energy or desire to deal with them right now. My belly was grumbling and I needed food. My usual lunch date was not at her desk, so I decided to head down to the cafeteria without her. She'd catch up with me eventually. I grabbed some money out of my wallet and headed for the elevators. Just as I pressed the button for the Ground floor, Em's dulcet tones appeared behind me.

"Going to lunch?"

"Yeah, so hungry I could eat my own head," I said.

"Not Casey's, huh?" she smirked. Always twelve years old at heart, this one.

"Oh please. We barely have the time or energy right now. Part of the perils of being parents."

"Oh God...then I am never having a baby. I need my nookie or I become a right bitch."

"Oh my God, Emily...we still have 'nookie', as you so delightfully refer to it. It's just not as spontaneous as it used to be. We have a little one to consider now. It's not just about Matt and me anymore."

"Yeah, yeah…" she replied.

The elevator doors opened on the Ground floor and as we stepped out, Lana Gilligan stepped on. She was one of the nurses that had been working in the NICU when Finn was first born.

"Madeleine! How are you? It's so nice to see you! How's that baby boy of yours?" she asked.

"He's great, Lana. Thanks for asking. He just turned a year old."

"Pictures?" she asked.

"What kind of mother would I be if I didn't have pictures of my baby with me at all times?" I said as I whipped out my cell phone to show her pictures of Finn's first birthday party.

"Oh my God, he is super cute! I can't believe it's been a year already!"

"Me neither. Time moves so fast."

"It sure does. Well, take care Madeleine!" she said just before the elevator doors closed.

"You're beaming," said Em. I gave her a knowing smile as we pushed the doors to the cafeteria open.

"These next few hours can't go by fast enough," I said as we worked our way through the long lunch line.

"You'd really rather be home with the baby, wouldn't you?"

"I'd hand in my resignation today if we could swing it financially."

"Matt's a Captain now. That means he's making more money."

"Yeah, but not enough to make up for my salary if I stopped working."

"You know Casey would do anything for you, Mads. I'll bet if you talked to him about it, he'd be on board."

"I know, but I don't want to put him in that position just to satisfy my maternal instincts. I have to eat this at my desk if I'm going to be done by 3:00 PM." I held up my half cup of cottage cheese and dish of mandarin oranges so Em could see. She reluctantly nodded her head as she sat down at one of the tables in the cafeteria.

Once I was back at my desk, I ate my lunch as I looked through my phone messages again. Nothing seemed pressing enough for me to give up part of my lunch break, until the last one in the pile.

" _Please call Audra Walker ASAP. It's urgent. She says there are new developments she needs to discuss with you. Her cell number is the same as it was and she says you have it."_

My heart stopped. My thoughts went immediately to Harper. " _Please, dear God...let her be alright…"_ My hands were shaking as I pulled my cell phone out and scrolled through my list of contacts. I held my breath as the phone began to ring.

"Hello?" Audra's familiar Southern drawl filled my ears.

"Hi, Audra...this is Maddy Casey. I got a message that you called. Please tell me that Harper is okay…" my voice was shaky as I spoke.

"Harper is doing just fine, Maddy," she replied.

"Thank God for that. What are the new developments and why the urgency? Finn has been weaned now, so I can donate the bone marrow Harper needs. Is there more to it than that?" I said, my voice still quivering.

"Yes, Maddy...I'm afraid there is. We did find a suitable donor for Harper and she's doing great. Better than ever, actually…" her voice trailed off.

"That's such a relief to hear. Who was the donor?"

"Umm...I don't know how to tell you this, Maddy...it's...umm...it was Jackson." I must have heard her wrong. Jackson was dead.

"You can't be serious. Jackson has been dead for almost twelve years. The Army sent me his death certificate and dog tags…"

"But they never found his body, Maddy. Don't you remember that? He was being held in an internment camp in Iraq all this time. He and several other men that were presumed dead were found by the Army Special Forces Unit almost eight months ago. He's undergone several months of treatment for PTSD...and Maddy….he's asking about you." The last five words hung in the air over my head like a black cloud. I could barely breathe.

"But...I can't. It's not possible, Audra. I'm married to Matthew. I have a whole new life now," I stammered.

"I don't think he's expecting anything from you, Maddy. He knows all about what happened since we were told that he was dead. He just wants to see you. Would you at least consider it?"

"I don't know...I don't think it's a good idea, Audra...it would hurt Matthew...that part of my life is over...Jesus, I can't believe this…."

"Just think about it, Maddy. I think he's looking for some closure, is all."

I ended the call without replying to her. I couldn't process what she had just told me. It was impossible. I buried Jackson and the memories of us a long time ago and it nearly killed me. Learning our daughter was still alive was an emotional shock I will never get over. My life was here in Chicago with Matthew and Finn and it was perfect...perfect until I made this fateful phone call. There was no way I could ever see Jackson now. It had been too long. He had been dead to me for over ten years and I would be damned before I let one more thing disrupt my life...or Matthew's. We had been through far too much in the last five years to allow anything more to hurt us.

"God damn it! How much more am I supposed to take?" I shouted before I put my face in my hands and started to cry. I was interrupted by the ring of my cell phone. It was Matthew calling through FaceTime. I wiped my eyes quickly, hoping my mascara hadn't run too badly.

"Hi baby! Sorry to interrupt you, but I wanted you to see this before you got home…" Suddenly, Finn's chubby little cheeks and bright blue eyes appeared on screen.

"Go ahead, Finn...say it... say it again….who's that?" I hear Matt say off screen. Finn blew a few bubbles as he mumbled a few unrecognizable words for a few seconds.

"Mmmm..mamama...mama…" he said. Tears rolled down my cheeks almost immediately.

"Did you hear that, baby?! He said 'mama'!" I could only nod, totally unable to string any words together, as the tears turned into unadulterated sobs.

"I was showing him a picture of you on my phone and told him that it was Mommy. I nearly shit when he repeated it! I had to call you!"

"I'm glad you did. You made my day," I said, wiping the tears away.

"OK, baby...I'll let you get back to work. See you in a couple of hours. We love you!"

"I love you too...so much…" I said.

As I did every night, I prayed that all that love would protect us. For the last year, it had. Now, there was a new storm on the horizon and I wasn't sure we would survive it.


End file.
